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To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

(355 Posts)
MJ686 Sun 06-Dec-15 15:43:51

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

AliceInUnderpants Sun 06-Dec-15 15:49:52

She's 16 confused And the other mother probably thought you would have had the chat about contraception or safe sex!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 06-Dec-15 15:53:00

Yes, what Alice says.

She's 16, She's your daughter, she needs to be able to talk to you and communicate rather than having to run away from you. She needs you. Don't drive her away.

RoseWithoutAThorn Sun 06-Dec-15 15:53:37

My advice is pick your battles and this isn't one of them. Whether you agree with it or not your DD is 16 and can legally have sex. If you continue to rant about this to her you're going to push her further away. My DD moved in with her BF when she was 17 and gave up Uni. I kept my trap firmly shut although I hated the thought that the BF's parents had encouraged all of this. My DD had only known him 5 weeks. She came home 4 months later. You have to stand back and let your DD make her own mistakes as hard as it is to do. I never had phoned any girlfriends parents DS brought home btw. What are parents of DS's supposed to do? Demand a phone number to ask a 16 year olds parents if it's ok if she stays overnight with him?

Snossidge Sun 06-Dec-15 15:54:00

She's 16, so it's up to her who she sleeps with. It's your business to teach your children about safe sex, not the other mum.

I certainly wouldn't phone the mums of my 18 year old son's girlfriends.

shutupandshop Sun 06-Dec-15 15:54:20

Yabu. Shes 16. Its your job to talk about sex. There is no parental code.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Sun 06-Dec-15 15:56:27

His Mum was supposed to do the condom talk with your daughter?
Say what?

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 06-Dec-15 15:57:07

well they'd obviously made the decision they were going to have sex. If not as yours or his parents house it would have been somewhere. It's their job to talk to their son about safe sex but not their place to discuss it with your daughter, that's your job.

Your relationship with your dd isn't really their problem. Focus less on putting all the blame on his parents and work things out with your own dd

Brioche201 Sun 06-Dec-15 15:58:12

as long as she wasn't underage, I don't think it is the mothers business to interfere in her adult son's sex life

SofiaAmes Sun 06-Dec-15 15:59:39

OP, I am with you. Don't have time to write more here, but I think anyone who lets a minor stay in their home overnight has an obligation to at least check in with their parents. But apart from the common sense moral obligation, I guess things are a little different in the UK, but here in the USA, I am legally obligated to care for my children until they are 18 and can be held responsible for their behavior until then.

frillybiscuits Sun 06-Dec-15 16:01:07

I understand that it may be hard. I was sexually active myself from 16, my mum knew and was comfortable with it. If you haven't had the safe sex talk with her then now is the time to do it. You've got no reason to be angry about them sleeping together, it's the boyfriend's parents home they can allow them in the same room if they want to. You should be a little miffed at the running away but at least you knew where she was staying and the police wouldn't have be able to force her home if you got them involved because she's 16.

Yabu because of her age, yanbu to be naturally worried because she's your daughter

manamanah Sun 06-Dec-15 16:02:18

You are being naive and unreasonable. 16 year olds have sex with or without their parents' knowledge (intentionally not using the word permission here because it isn't yours to give). Your job is to make sure she knows how to avoid STIs, unwanted pregnancy and being pressurised into something she doesn't want to do. It is not your job to try and prevent her engaging in a perfectly normal part of life, or to make her feel as though she's doing something wrong. Out of interest did you have an age in mind when you felt it would be acceptable?

PinkSquash Sun 06-Dec-15 16:04:41

16 is not a minor and I'd allow my DS to bring a girlfriend over as long as they're both over 16.

For a teenage girl, you sound a nightmare. It isn't up to other people to police your daughter, not everyone thinks the way you parent is right and you don't think people are right, do you?

BackforGood Sun 06-Dec-15 16:05:29

Yes, YABU to expect a call from them, and YABU to be furious at them.

As her parent, it is your responsibility to talk to your dd about choosing to have sex, or not, and about contraception and keeping safe from disease, not anybody else's parents.

DawnOfTheDoggers Sun 06-Dec-15 16:09:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seriouslyffs Sun 06-Dec-15 16:09:24

I'd have contacted you OP. and I wouldn't have put them in the same room. Although I'm apparently the strictest parent in London. hmm
Funnily enough although the dcs moaned about it when they were younger they don't now they're older teenagers. I wouldn't have had 'the chat' with your dd, but I have with mine.

Adelecarberry87 Sun 06-Dec-15 16:12:04

Firsty kids will have sex no matter what you do or say but the important factor is ensuring she is safe and on appriorate contraception to avoid unwanted pregnancy. This relationship is new and exciting and no doubt might even last that long. She shouldn't disrepect your rules but you cannot enforce them at someone elses house either. You need to sit down and dicuss that at your house you don't feel comfortable with her boyfriend staying over but what rules her boyfriends parents have are different. Daughters grow up we can't protect them and keep them locked away. Seems shes close to her brother maybe speak to him about the best way to go about things.y parents were strict even to the point of going out. I had to lie about where i was going.

laughingatweather Sun 06-Dec-15 16:12:22

You're 'shocked, hurt and angry' that she had sex?. I'm guessing that's what you mean as you said the 'sense of betrayal' about her parents was separate to that?.

You can feel whatever you like but her parents didn't betray you and your DD did nothing wrong having sex with her BF at the age of consent.

I'm not sure what you're 'shocked, angry and hurt' about?.

AliceInUnderpants Sun 06-Dec-15 16:12:25

When you daughter said his mother hadn't talked to her about contraception, did you?

hedgehogsdontbite Sun 06-Dec-15 16:13:32


At 16 whether she has sex or not is up to her. It's your responsibility to teach her about safe sex. Expecting her boyfriend's mother to discuss contraception with her is weird, it's absolutely none of her business and would be overstepping boundaries big time. It's also not appropriate for her to ring you to discuss sleeping arrangements. It's 2 people in a relationship who are old enough to marry each other spending the night together, not a playdate.

Time to cut the apron strings I'm afraid.

MJ686 Sun 06-Dec-15 16:14:05

Hi, thanks for the comments so far. Just to clarify, yes, of course I've had the talk with her about safe sex and unwanted pregnancy. But no, she wasn't on the pill yet or probably really prepared, as she had been telling me they were just 'friends' they met in July but it's only since she ran away that she has now called him her 'boyfriend'. Even so, my point was, that she was at a vunerable point in her life, away from home and arguing with her mum, so therefore, out of pride and stubborness, couldn't talk to me, if I was faced with a young girl in that position, I would have just stepped in and checked that she was safe.

But my bigger point here was, why don't we back each other up as parents? His parents knew I didn't want her to sleep over there as I had previously told the kids I didn't approve. Why, just because one parent is more liberal than another, does the other parent's view or wishes count for nothing?

ratspeaker Sun 06-Dec-15 16:15:38

It's up to you as a parent to have a talk about contraception and safe sex waaaaay before your daughter reached 16.

The age of consent in the UK is 16. Neither she, her brother, her boyfriend, or his parents are doing anything illegal. Whether you agree morally is another matter but I feel you are pushing her away. What if she leaves and stays with her boyfriend or her brother permenantly?

Here in Scotland someone of 16 can leave home legally. They can even marry without parental consent.

Fatfreefaff Sun 06-Dec-15 16:16:18

I have a 16 year old daughter and of course I worry about her getting into abusive relationships or forgetting contraceptives - that sort of thing. It is difficult for parents to accept that their children are sexually active sometimes and there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt if your daughter rejected your advice.

I think what you have to do is take a bit breath, swallow your feelings and try to repair your relationship. I would apologise to her, have the talk about contraceptives etc or ensure she has been to the GP or clinic if you can't face it. I think you have to try and transform your relationship into that of adviser/older friend rather than the rather controlling parent you seem to be at the moment. Don't blame the boy's parents at least she is not having sex the park or a seedy hotel. Perhaps you can attempt to make friends with them and offer to collect or drop her off one day to meet them?

thegiddylimit Sun 06-Dec-15 16:16:25

here in the USA, I am legally obligated to care for my children until they are 18 and can be held responsible for their behavior until then

It's 16 here. A 16 year old can move out, get married, get a job.

Skullyton Sun 06-Dec-15 16:17:48

1. she's not a minor
2. she's legally allowed to have sex
3. she's legally allowed to move out if she wanted
4. its your job to have the sex talk, not her boyfriends mother.

5. back off.

6. you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar, this is one of those situations where if you treat her like a young adult instead of a child you might get further.

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