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Miscarriage - posting for traffic/ potentially triggering

(26 Posts)
zaalitje Sun 06-Dec-15 08:12:43


Also posted on miscarriage boards, but they look to have very little traffic.

Hoping someone can help me with some advise,
I'm 8 weeks, had a private scan yesterday, they said there's a sac and no baby. So now I'm just waiting to start to miscarry.

I'm not with my partner so doing this on my own and could use some help to effectively carry on as if normal.

I started a new job last week, they don't know I'm pregnant, I can't take time off whilst my body does this:-
A) because I have no idea when it will start.
B) because it's a new job and I'm not allowed time off, it'll cost me my job. Maternity rights or not, it's very easy to get rid of someone in their first year, let alone the first week.

So if anyone could provide some tips on coping whilst carrying on as normal if really appreciate it.

Thank you.

IamlovedbyG Sun 06-Dec-15 08:17:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OwlinaTree Sun 06-Dec-15 08:21:16

Sorry for your loss. Can you continue to work until the miscarriage starts? Then speak to your supervisor and explain the distinction when it starts? Do you have any paperwork from the hospital you could show your supervisor?

OwlinaTree Sun 06-Dec-15 08:21:55

Situation not distinction, sorry

maddening Sun 06-Dec-15 08:25:47

Get strong painkillers, big pads and a hot water bottle. I found that the neurofen extra (iboprofen with codiene) alternated on a 3 hourly basis with co-codamol helped when I mc at 8 weeks - so I had each type every 6 hours). Change your pad frequently to avoid flooding.

Do talk to your manager - explain what you will be going through, say you realise you can't have time off but you feel that they should be aware - if it were me as your manager I would sort you time off on compassionate grounds so you never know.

So sorry flowers

Lasaraleen Sun 06-Dec-15 08:30:14

Are you sure it will cost you your job? I am a manager and have just had someone in a very similar situation (new employee). She took a week off sick and I felt nothing but sympathy for her. Definitely wouldn't have tried to get her sacked.

Really sorry for your loss x

Annecyinyourpantsy Sun 06-Dec-15 08:32:02

Sorry for your loss O, I agree with OWL is there a supervisor that you could talk to? Even if it is just to explain if you need to not be there one day? From what I gather everyone is different, I MMC at 9 weeks and it was pain wise very painful (endo sufferer) but bleeding wise not too bad and the sac was no bigger than a 50p piece.
Try to take care off yourself.

Sighing Sun 06-Dec-15 08:32:13

I'm sorry for your loss.
There is a thread about managing the process/ pain/ bleeding on the miscarriage boards that has a lot of detailed approached that helped.
An easy read (magazine); pain killers; plenty of sweet drinks (i couldn't manage food but light meals easy to prepare).
Access to a bathroom.
Hot water bottles.
Lots of maternity type towels.Possibly towel on bed (I bled through everything during miscarriage 1 but not everyone does).
Somewhere comfy to be.
You can't plan / anticipate for how much you'll be confined to a bathroom I'm afraid.
If you're sure of dates? Have you been referred for a second confirmation scan in a week?

zaalitje Sun 06-Dec-15 08:33:14

It was a scan at a private clinic, the sort that does 4d and gender scans, pretty pictures but no diagnosis.

I was bundled out the door with no info and told to talk to my midwives, "they need to confirm it, but I couldn't see anything inside the sac" She showed me the sac it was empty, I'm very sure of dates, so it's not that I'm not as far along as I think, that would be impossible.

I'll be speaking to the clinic about the lack of info and tact (given repeat customer vouchers), surely I can't be the first person they've had less than positive news for, even a flyer with numbers for the city hospital EPU would have been helpful and saved me trying to scrabble round on Google whilst walking around the city centre.

I'm going in to EPU at lunch today, managed to get hold of them yesterday, and they said to go in for a confirmation scan, a friend is giving me a lift there but can't stay. Unfortunately, I'm new to the area so know no one in a 'look after me' capacity.

I know my options are surgery or wait for nature, as I absolutely can't have time off, I have to wait for nature, I just need to know what to expect so I can cope at work as if nothing is happening.

lilac3033 Sun 06-Dec-15 08:40:44

So sorry! I agree with maddening. I used Tena pants, as they made me feel more secure against leaks. There can be a lot of blood and clots as well.
I would also speak to your manager, they may surprise you.
Did the hospital not offer you medical management? It could give you more control over when the miscarriage actually happens. If they didn't due to being a private can, phone the local EPU. I would hope they would offer you some options. I didn't find out about my mmc until my 12 week scan and then did medical management. I just couldn't cope with waiting.

chelle792 Sun 06-Dec-15 08:42:15

I had a MMC at 11 weeks. You won't be able to work. Tell your boss about the scan and that you have been told you will miscarry.

It wasn't physically as bad as I thought it would be but I filled six heavy duty pads in an hour and loads more down the loo. I took two paracetamol and two neurofen and was still in pain.

The next day I had a normal period so potentially you could work then. I did need recovery time though.

The miscarriage board are a really supportive lot. There's a huge thread on practical advice dealing with a miscarriage that you can read.

I think you're forgetting that this is physical trauma you're talking about. All physical trauma involves risk. Look after yourself.

Ps - sorry for the tone of my post but it's made me angry

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 06-Dec-15 08:42:32

I manage a team of people, and if a new member of staff came to me and said this was happening to them, I absolutely would feel sad for them and try to make it possible for some time off to be given. I would not move to sack them or be cross in any way. please consider telling your manager.

Sleepyfergus Sun 06-Dec-15 08:43:24

The scan place don't sound great at all, I think an email to 'complain' when all this is over would be worthwhile.

With regards to the mc, I had a natural one at 10 weeks, the baby had stopped developing at about 7 weeks so it took my body a couple of weeks to catch up. I had bleeding for about a day beforehand. Not heavy, enough for a pad. However, that night I went through (what i now understand to be) labour and my body experienced contractions until I passed the sac and lining. It was very painful for about 2 hours from start to finish. I was curled up in agony. Once it was all over, the physical pain completely vanished. Just mental anguish thereafter.

You might be lucky and it happen on the weekend but there is no telling when it might happen.

I'm so sorry, I'm not sure how you can deal with this and your work situation. Is there really no way you can explain to work?

lilac3033 Sun 06-Dec-15 08:43:43

Too slow with the post. Medical management is a third option. Involves medication and usually kicks off within a few hours. I would arrange for that the afternoon before your days off.

Sighing Sun 06-Dec-15 08:49:25

The service does sound very poor. To be honest my experiences in private and nhs contexts weren't always a great deal better.
Once confirmed your epu should give you some choices of treatment and book any follow up / medications. I'll warn you now you need to let your GP practice know as the information doesn't get exchanged and you might need antibiotics or have follow up questions.

LBOCS2 Sun 06-Dec-15 08:55:54

I worked during mine. It started on a Sunday night (at its heaviest ) but Monday morning I was in work and carried on until the Thursday when we went on holiday. I even took an evening meeting during that period.

Emotionally it was not a good move - I was distracted and definitely not giving work even 25%. But physically I was fine. Unfortunately you're not going to know which you'll be until it happens for you.

Sorry for your loss, I hope this is as easy as it can be for you.

SummerNights1986 Sun 06-Dec-15 09:01:25

as I absolutely can't have time off, I have to wait for nature, I just need to know what to expect so I can cope at work as if nothing is happening

Op, i'm not good at the fluffy stuff but practically, I would really prepare yourself for maybe needing at least a couple of days off, if just for the medical side of things (and you're coping emotionally that is).

I had a mc at 9 weeks which was 'natural'. I had pain that was like a v bad period pain for a couple of days which I would have found very difficult to carry on as usual and very heavy bleeding, much more than a normal period. You can't wear a tampon if the bleeding is mc related which makes it impractical and awkward even if your pain is OK. For the first day I was flooding pads every half an hour, there's no way I could have gone to work (or anywhere else).

I'm sorry for your loss x

BillBrysonsBeard Sun 06-Dec-15 09:01:51

Sorry for your loss OP flowers I would see how you feel when it starts happening bit definitely go home if you feel bad, don't try and be stoic. I couldn't have worked through mine, I was bleeding too heavily.. The cramps were manageable with painkillers though. But you don't know until it happens x

Iammad Sun 06-Dec-15 09:02:56

Sorry to ask but how was the scan done? On tummy or internal?
You need to go to your GP and be referred to epu.
To get confirmation and hopefully for some support.

zaalitje Sun 06-Dec-15 09:07:56

My manager is an older man, quite gruff, I really don't feel I can approach him about this, I also would rather that they weren't aware, I couldn't cope with awkwardness and pity from the rest of the team, there's no privacy in the office so over hearing would be unavoidable.

I've been having light cramps on and off since yesterday afternoon, so I don't know if this is the start.

I've posted on the miscarriage boards as well, but posted here too as they looked to be very slow moving and needed some fast answers as my thoughts are doing overtime.

Sighing Sun 06-Dec-15 11:25:55

Of course your mind is racing, it's a lot of stress to be facing a new job and an unknown in the miscarriage. Be kind to yourself, acknowledging your needs (physical and emotional) will be best in the long term for you. flowers

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 06-Dec-15 14:57:02

I really think that you have nothing to gain by not telling your manager - ask to speak in private and then tell him.

VestalVirgin Sun 06-Dec-15 16:35:04

Couldn't you take something that stimulates uterus contractions to induce the miscarriage? (I wonder why they didn't offer you medication for this, actually.)

Maybe something to keep in mind in case it hasn't started yet, and you can induce it next weekend as to not miss time at work.

VestalVirgin Sun 06-Dec-15 16:38:03

@Mouthful: You never know how a male manager, and a gruff one at that, will react to her having been pregnant when she was hired. Employers tend to be rather hostile to pregnant employees, and I don't think you - who are probably female - can be considered the norm.

Mouthfulofquiz Tue 08-Dec-15 17:44:16

Well, maybe I've been lucky then because in nearly 20 years in different jobs, I've never been managed by anyone who would be less than sympathetic in that situation.

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