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AIBU?

To be sick of DH disengaging at weekends?

61 replies

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:40

DH has always been a bit lazy with the DCs and around the house but I swear he's getting worse. I feel like a single parent and actually quite lonely and down at weekends as he's here but just disengages.

He's either watching TV, playing on the Xbox, on the computer, playing on his phone, or napping!

Today we went out for the day and he was in a bad mood because he was 'tired', and just wouldn't engage in any conversation. I drove home and he was either snoozing or on his phone the whole time. He doesn't really engage with the kids in any way. All he wants to do is please himself. And needless to say, all chores, childcare and everything else is left to me!

Then tonight he fell asleep in front of the TV really early.

It's like I never have any adult company, and it is getting me down.

We both work full time all week as I'm sure that will crop up at some point in this thread.

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IceBeing · 05/12/2015 23:45

If he is disengaging is it possible he is suffering from depression?

It doesn't sound like he is absorbed in something he actually enjoys and has disengaged generally and not just from you and the kids?

Of course he may just be lazy...but sleeping all day isn't usually anyones idea of fun.

Andro · 05/12/2015 23:47

Maybe he ought to get himself a doctors appointment if he's that tired all the time.

Assuming he's not unwell you need a long, hard talk about equal parental responsibility, he needs to shape up or ship out!

Notcontent · 05/12/2015 23:48

This seems to be a common theme.
I am a lone parent but I know that my exH spends a lot of time just reading the paper or on his phone when dd is with him. It's pretty shit. In think we all would sometimes prefer lying on the sofa than doing stuff with kids, but we do it anyway, because that's what being a parent is about!!!!!

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:48

Well it's not my idea of fun either if he's sleeping all day....

I don't think he has depression

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LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:48

Exactly, Notcontent!

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NewLife4Me · 05/12/2015 23:49

Tell him to stop playing and be a father and husband at the weekend.
He should be taking on the kids and his share of housework, but maybe the sleeping early and napping is because he is knackered, as i'm sure you are.
It must be really hard with both of you working full time, i don't know how people manage it myself.
I feel so sorry for young people today, the pressure to do everything and be everything to all the family.
You just need to talk to him.

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 23:49

is there a white elephant in the room. Something that he can't risk coming up in conversation.......

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 23:50

How does he think clean clothes, etc. magically appear then? Just talk to him. I presume he's not a complete arse?

peggyundercrackers · 05/12/2015 23:51

If he is sleeping a lot it would suggest he is tired unles he has a medical issue which causes him to sleep.

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:52

I've tried talking to him. He doesn't see a problem. As far as he is concerned weekends are 'for relaxing'

Yes I get tired too but at the end of the day there are things that need to be done.

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BlueJug · 05/12/2015 23:52

He may well be exhausted and there may be a reason for that.

If you both work full time could you both take it a bit easier at the weekends? Or get some help?

I found when I was working full time, demanding job, long-ish hours - I just could not do all the chores plus kids at the weekends. Everyone needs a rest. I cut my hours and got a bit of help. It made a huge difference - to both of us.

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:53

Well I get tired too Peggy but I don't fall asleep all the time because if I did nothing would ever get done and the kids would have to fend for themselves which isn't exactly acceptable.

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BlueJug · 05/12/2015 23:54

How old are the kids?

Murdock · 05/12/2015 23:54

You need to have a conversation - he's tired? So are you. It doesn't minimise what either of you have to cope with, to state that you need more support and help.

ChippyOik

Wow, good shit-stirring.

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:55

I am exhausted too Bluejug! I know everyone needs a rest but it's not possible for me to have one! Plus I don't want to be in a relationship with a mannequin who never speaks!

what do you mean could we both take it a bit easier? He already does take it easy! He can't possibly take it any easier than he does!!

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OnlyLovers · 05/12/2015 23:55

Why don't you spend a weekend 'relaxing' too, OP? Then he might realise that chores and childcare are not done by the fairies.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 23:55

So he thinks that weekends are for relaxing for all of you, or just him?

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:57

It's not just sleeping, its the playing with gadgets and not even having a conversation with me that pisses me off more.

I have to say his name 5 or 6 times sometimes to get his attention to ask a question or speak to him

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LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:57

Oh he thinks it's just for him. I clearly don't matter.

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Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 23:59

And why does he think that it's just for him? If you have no explanation from him then you haven't actually discussed this with him properly and you need to go back and have the talk properly this time.

NewLife4Me · 05/12/2015 23:59

Have you tried going on strike? Would he really not do anything at all?
Would the kids starve?

Talk to him and make an essential list for the weekend, show him in black and white what needs to be done.
You may find that some of it you can spread throughout the week and leave the weekends freer.
Then divide the essential list between the two of you, remembering to alternate things that done require to be done every weekend.

alltheworld · 06/12/2015 00:00

Please don't compare having a lazy partner to being a single parent

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Seeyounearertime · 06/12/2015 00:00

What do you both do?
O don't mean to chuck a huge part in bit if he does 12 hour shifts of Construction work I can see why hes tired and wants to relax at weekends.
Of you have similar jobs then a conversation is needed to maybe split the rest of the chores between you?

You take kids to school, he pick them up.
You look after the washing, he looks after the cooking
You hoover, he dusts
Etc etc.

LovingLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:00

I have tried to discuss it properly with him but his explanation is he doesn't see the problem! How can I force him to discuss it properly when he won't?

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Katiekatiekatiekay · 06/12/2015 00:00

How often does this topic come up?! Your most certainly not alone...
Annoyed me so much he's now exh. Other reasons too but ffs you're a family, families support eachother & do things together. not one adult doing everything for everyone else. Don't see why you should have to suggest it really but could you split time with the kids, you with them on a Saturday & him a Sunday? Both get a break that way?

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