To think my DH would be supportive of my PND?(16 Posts)
Had a bad day with my DH. Long story short is that we've got a 2.4 yo DS and a 4 mo DD. Both are/were high needs babies with reflux and cows milk allergy. Queue lots of feeding issues, screaming, no sleep etc. I've struggled and not got any nearby family to help alleviate some of the pressure. They have both been ill too. I cracked recently and the GP diagnosed PND. My DH just doesn't sympathise to how I'm feeling or my need to have some child free time. When I asked for a couple of hours today it resulted in sulking/monumental row. He said I was 'playing a card' today. We're now not talking. Everything feels tit for tat at the moment and he challenges everything I say. I'm so fed up. We used to be good but now I just think I don't want this anymore. I was hoping for more support from him but that seems to big an ask.
The classic way to start recovering from depression is to spend a bit of time everyday doing something that you actually enjoy. I would work out what that thing is for you and then explain to your DH that you need that time to get well and that he needs to look after the children. Explain that the situation will only get worse if you can't find time in your day to day life to focus on recovering your mental health.
Good luck on your journey to recovery.
Men don't get it. I've had pnd for 7 years and hubby thinks I can just take meds
He's got you to the point when you feel you have to ask to have a couple of hours for yourself.
Which gives him the impression that he has the authority to grant/not grant permission.
If you want that time you're well within your rights to elbow your way to it, tell him what you're up to when you've decided how you'd like to spend it.
Best advice I was ever given?
If you find yourself feeling depressed, before relying on labels and medication, first make sure you are not surrounded by assholes.
I am not trying to deny the existence of PND, which is of course a medically confirmed, highly debilitating medical condition. However, in some cases I think women are actually reacting perfectly normally to having completely inadequate support at home, whether that be through lack of family support or twattish DHs.
The fact that your DH sees it as his role to grant or deny you child-free time from a child that is 50% his responsibility, sadly leads me to believe he is being a twat.
However, if there is much to this than your opening post, and your DH is doing his fair share and is himself knackered, and the truth is that you have a difficult baby and there isn't enough of you and your DH to go round no matter how hard you both try, then that's different. CAn you get help from the GP or Home Start? Or a friend?
Hope you feel better soon.
Thanks everyone. Pounded you have actually hit the nail on the head. There isn't enough of us to go around and that's the problem. We're both trying but exhausted, desperate for some child free time and to feel 'normal'. He's under pressure at work too. He's normally very supportive but recently he hadn't been. He's also been bought up to 'grit teeth and power on' without being allowed to be emotional. I have my MIL for that but that's another issue! I just don't know how to find away forward for us. I'm starting counselling in Jan for the PND and feel 'better' in some ways but my marriage is crumbling away from me.
trees all serious illnesses put stresses on relationships. I think the key thing is to get across to your DH that this could have been a serious physical illness...and it would be tough but he would intrinsically 'get' that he needed to support you. The fact that the illness is invisible doesn't make it any less debilitating or the road to recovery any easier.
Maybe try exploring with him how he would respond if you had had a broken leg...or a treatable cancer diagnosis....
I'm inclined to think he wouldn't tell someone on chemo that they were 'playing a card' if they needed to take a few hours out?
A mum threw herself off a cliff recently due to PND. Agree with Ice. You need to tell him unequivocally what you need, as you are in genuine need. Then you should be up to 'full power' again quicker?
Could you get a mothers help for a couple hours per week?
Or a Student nursery nurse?
Practical help goes a long way and it does not sound like you are getting it from your husband.
Also I would not ask for time off. I would tell dh that this weekend you are going out for two hours in the morning. He can do same in afternoon. You would both benefit from some me time. Put your coat on and go.
Or if you think that you're past that now, and he genuinely doesn't care enough, then maybe you need to decide what you do with that.
Could you get a post-natal doula? Mine was an absolute god-send with a high needs baby (DS1). All my local friends had family close and didn't understand why it was so tough. My family were great, but had to come down at weekends, take time off work etc. When in fact all I needed some days was to go for a sleep for a couple of hours or go and have a bath in peace.
If funds are tight have you spoken to HV about any local charities. There is an amazing charity round here "Family Friends". They do lots of great things, but one is to match up volunteers with families who need a bit of support.
In respect of your DH no he's not been great, but mental illness can be tough for a none sufferer to understand. I have anxiety at the moment and my DH says things like, "well just stop worrying about it". He just doesn't get it. I honestly do think he tries, but his brain is completely different to mine. I over think, he probably does the opposite. I think you have to spell it out for him what you need (i.e. I need 2 hours this weekend, and I need you to do x, y, z).
That's a good point about a physical illness versus a mental one. In definitely going to use that as a suggestion. I think he thinks that because my 2yo is in nursery 2 days a week it's 'easy' those days and get a 'rest'. I've already told him that I'm going out next Saturday am and I've got a lady coming tomorrow from a charity that support Mums like me. I'm hoping all these small things take the pressure off. Generally I'm feeling more myself but then something happens that rocks things (like the massive row we had on Sat).
trees people how haven't experienced mental illness often genuinely don't get it. They don't mean to be dismissive they simply don't have the experience to relate to.
I am relatively far down this road and I still find myself thinking stupid things all the time. For example I realised that I tend to wake up, realise I am feeling very low and unwell, decide I need some down time, but then assume that means I will be feeling better than average once the down time is over.
Imagine if you woke up with the flu, thought you would therefore take a few hours in bed while the lemsip kicked in and then assumed you would feel better than average for the rest of the day because you had taken lemsip....
Honestly sometimes I feel like we are all programmed to underestimate and misunderstand the nature of mental illness.
I think it would help if we were taught anything at all about it in school!
Don't panic that your marriage is crumbling. You have two small children and the transition from 1 to 2 is harder than from 0 to 1 IMO. Plus you are ill and he's under pressure at work, and you have no family support. Any marriage would be under strain on those circumstances.
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