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To think I'm never going to have any friends who are also parents?

(31 Posts)
OhWhatAPalaver Sat 05-Dec-15 21:05:03

None of my good friends have children. Absolutely none. I have an almost 4 year old dd and when she was young we did the whole early days group thing and I tried to make 'mum friends' as I didn't want to be the only one with a baby. The others from the group all kept in touch but after about 6 months things stated to get a bit uncomfortable. I never felt like I fit in with their group as I had nothing in common with any of them but the straw that broke the camels back was when one of the women in the group was extremely racist and no one except me pulled her up on it, so I felt that I couldn't be part of the group any more.

I have tried to make other friends who have kids since but nothing has ever materialised. I am now expecting dc2 and I really don't want to be in the same situation again. It's been a lonely few years.

Just today I took my dd to a party (one of her nursery friends) and I thought I'd try and get to know some of the people there but the other parents barely said two words to me.. It's getting to the point where I find it hard to make small talk because I don't think anyone will want to speak to me anyway.

I have lots of friends who don't have children but they are busy with their childfree lives and it's hard to find time to see them. I'm genuinely a nice person, I just don't know why I can't seem to relate to or get on with other parents! It's really getting me down now. I'm starting to think it's because I dress slightly alternative (i wear dm's, bit of a hippy etc but nothing major) and I live in a really 'normal' (aka boringb) area. What ever it is, it's doing my head in and if anyone has experienced similar it would be very reassuring.

BernardsBum Sat 05-Dec-15 21:17:24

Oh I can reassure you that I'm experiencing the same. My DD is 4 and I only really have one friend who is also a parent. Most of my friends have chosen not to have children. Like you, I did baby groups & tried to engage at parties, but with little success. It's hard, and I also worry about the impact on DD, who doesn't really have friends outside of school.
Thinking about it, I don't have loads of friends full stop, nevermind parent friends, so I suppose for me it's a general issue around friendships.
I think I'm normal wink but obviously there's something about me. I think it gets harder as you get older too.

LumelaMme Sat 05-Dec-15 21:17:24

Ah, it's grim when you feel that you don't fit in and can't make friends. I had five years of this when we lived in a dull part of suburban Britain and I had one real local friend. One is better than none, but I tried so bloody hard and... nada, no joy.

We moved, to a smaller town with a more open-minded bunch of people in it, I made loads of friends. When I put out the word that I would be on a certain beach at a certain time one half term (or inset day, or something) we ended up as a largish get-together with ten or twelve children playing on the sand.

OP, it's not you, it's them. I'm not sure what to suggest, other than hanging out at places like parks and library story-telling times and hoping you meet someone with whom you just click. You might find you end up meeting a good friend on a PTA or at Brownies... don't give up!

jorahmormont Sat 05-Dec-15 21:30:03

You're not alone flowers

I had DD at 19 while at university. I'm now 21 and while my friends adore her; three of my uni friends are her godparents and it's like she has sixty aunts and uncles who dote on her, it has been really really difficult not having any 'mummy friends'.

I'm only now starting to make friends with other mums of a similar age whose children are at nursery with DD, or who I've met at work who just so happen to also have similar-aged children. It is tough, but at some point it will just click - hang on in there flowers

Senpai Sat 05-Dec-15 21:54:56

Trying to make friends with parents is as vague as trying to make friends with other women. It's just biology that makes them that label. Once you're out of the baby stage and the kids get a personality, saying two parents have something in common because they have kids is like saying two women have something in common because they have boobs.

I'd try networking with whatever hobby you have and find people you get along with that just so happen to be parents instead of the other way around.

Anyway, I just happened to get lucky to be in that my friends all somehow managed to sync our babies within the same year. I'm not sure how it happened honestly, I guess we all had a ..sizzling... summer the previous year. grin

But we don't really have too much in common as far as parenting goes since we're all doing things so different, and as our kids are getting bigger they're doing things different so we have different ways of adapting to them. The only thing we have in common was the things we had in common before kids. Now we just have little people under foot when we chat.

Practice makes perfect though. Force yourself out of your comfort zone and make small talk with other moms on the playgrounds. Take comfort in that they're strangers so if you do something silly, you'll never see them again. Then once you're comfortable with that, make small talk with parents at nursery. Come with a list of potential things you can talk about, the interesting thing you did this weekend. The other week my conversation starter was Starbucks cups ridiculousness. Just come armed with interesting things to talk about and force yourself to talk about them even if it feels awkward at first. smile

OhWhatAPalaver Sat 05-Dec-15 21:55:35

Thanks for the replies smile it's funny you should mention location Lumela, when we visited my dp's friends in the south west they were much more welcoming and quite a lot of them were parents! I was going on to him about moving there for ages but due to dp's career it's a no no at the moment. I have to say I am quite fed up of where we live :/

Glad you're finding friends jorahmormont, hopefully me and Bernardsbum will getthete eventually! smile

museumum Sat 05-Dec-15 21:59:55

If you're expecting again nct do "refresher" courses which are pretty much only for people in your situation looking for maternity leave company. The advantage is all will have older children too.
Otherwise I found antenatal or baby yoga or baby massage good in the early days for company but they are dominated by first time mums.

Lilipot15 Sat 05-Dec-15 22:03:26

It is really hard, there have been several threads about this. I was happy to be invited into a Facebook group of mums who I met at a baby group. A similarly racist thing came up - one of them liked what I considered a shockingly racist post and she is the "Queen Bee" of the group. I realised the crowd wasn't for me.
I just natter to folk I meet round and about, have "clicked" with one or two, but it is a bit lonely.

OhWhatAPalaver Sat 05-Dec-15 22:04:50

Get there! Silly phone...

I see what you're saying Senpai. I've tried all sorts of varying groups, even a Steiner one because I'm quite interested in alternative education (but could never afford it, hah!) So many of these things seem so cliquey it's hard to join in.

I don't ever see other parents at nursery because of all the varying drop off/pick up times. It's dd's birthday in a month and I have to invite all these kids from nursery whose parents I don't know at all, it's really weird because they all seem to know each other already! I think it's because I live further away from the nursery than most families and my dd only started there in April of this year. Oh well. I just hope they turn up!

ghostyslovesheep Sat 05-Dec-15 22:06:05

I met mine through NCt and Sure Start baby things - like massage and signing - youngest is 7 now - join things!

OhWhatAPalaver Sat 05-Dec-15 22:08:36

Ooh I will definitely have to try the nct thing then! Thanks for the info smile

I don't know, what is it about these racist people ruining things?!

Ughnotagain Sat 05-Dec-15 22:12:34

Whereabouts do you live? If you're in West Yorkshire I'll be your friend! grin

In all seriousness it is shitty though. Hope it gets better for you soon.

MicheleWeinberger Sat 05-Dec-15 22:14:38

I feel I am similar to you where I feel I have only made one good friend after having my son who is now 6. Haven't made any school mum friends which for some reason I do find upsetting but I now have a 6 month old son so have another opportunity to make some other friends I click with hopefully. I did daisy birthing and daisy baby where I met a number of other mums who I get on well with. Am hoping to stay in touch with some of them if I can. This may be an option for you as another opportunity to meet some like minded people.

BackforGood Sat 05-Dec-15 22:34:33

I agree with Senpai.
I'm good friends with people I have become good friends with, over many years at many different stages of my life, and for all sorts of different reasons.
I am friendly with people I've met through the dc, as it's good to get along and try and help each other out when you can, and pass the time of day when you need to, but just because they have a child the same age, doesn't mean I'm going to be close friends with someone. The same as I'm not necessarily going to be really close friends with all my colleagues. It might be that you hit it off with one or two or with other Mums, or with a neighbour, or with people you do a hobby with or volunteer with, but you can't plan to become friends with someone, it evolves over time, from people you just start out being friendly with - for some reason it just 'clicks' with one or two people.

OhWhatAPalaver Sat 05-Dec-15 22:57:08

I'm in greater Manchester but unfortunately not one of the most interesting areas. It has all the culture of a door knob!

Hopefully we will move somewhere nicer soon. Then maybe things will work out smile

bingisthebest Sat 05-Dec-15 23:02:47

It will happen. It took until my dc1 started school that I began to get a few 'mummy' friends and now they are just 'friends'. In our group their is a total mix of ages so don't be put out if they seem too old for you. It will happen just keep being friendly.

Fratelli Sun 06-Dec-15 06:36:40

I felt like that when ds was tiny. Have a look at mummysocial.com as it's great and where I met my friends. Just because you're mums doesn't mean you'll automatically get along but some people you will do. We have a nice little group of friends now which us great. Good luck

Enjolrass Sun 06-Dec-15 07:23:57

It's so hard OP.

I had dd at 21 at NCT I was by far the youngest mum. They made it clear that they thought I wasn't good enough, apparently it was assumed that dh had only married me because I was pregnant. Even thought we had been married two years when I gave birth.

I tried to meet other women who has kids but it never worked out. Even when she started school it was awkward. What you said about parties really spoke to me, I remember those days.

Something has changed though. I didn't try as hard when I had ds, but a few women at work also had kids around the same time. We did bits together and I was too busy with 2 kids to really worry about it.

When ds started the school nursery I felt more comfortable in myself and have actually become good friends with a few mums. Ds beat friends mum happened to be friends with one of the ladies I mentioned earlier from work.

It's the best friends birthday party today and for the first time I am looking forward to it, because I will see my friends.

I can't help but wonder if because I am more relaxed about making friends, that people are more relaxed around me. Since I haven't worried about making mummy friends, it has actually happened.

I wonder if I made people a bit uncomfortable because I was so desperate to be friends.

I am not saying that's the case here or you are desperate or making people uncomfortable. Just giving my experience and to let you know, you aren't alone in feeling this way.

TisIthecat Sun 06-Dec-15 07:39:46

It does get easier as they get older and start to develop their own interests and friends. Dd (6) has a brilliant bunch of friends who's parents are similar to us in terms of approach and attitude and I really enjoy their company.
Have you tried inviting one of her nursery friends to play? The parents will need to bring the child and are likely to stay so you can talk to them on their own and get to know them a bit. You probably won't like all of them but you might find one or two who may introduce you to more similar people.

Littlebigcat Sun 06-Dec-15 08:40:42

Whereabouts is Greater Manchester are you OP? I live in Stockport and have lots of child free friends but no real friends with children. A few hope to have them in the future but no immediate plans. There are a few people I was friendly with on mat leave from one coffee morning i used to go to but see them very rarely now (my son is nearly 3) to be honest. I spent most baby groups trying to make small talk and feeling as though everyone else knew each other and didn't seem interested, not sure if it was just me.

A good relatively central thing to try if you have Wednesday mornings on your own with the new baby is Art baby at the Whitworth.

Enjolrass Sun 06-Dec-15 08:45:15

Just remembered as well i have a couple of friends who stayed in touch with women from their NCT.

But as the kids got to 4 and 5 they grew apart because the kids didn't get on.

So sometimes it is best to wait until your kids have friends that they have naturally become friends with and be friendly with their parents.

trilbydoll Sun 06-Dec-15 08:52:14

Is there anything you can do that's more for you and take baby with you? I'm thinking of Buggyfit, the lady who runs it was saying she didn't really click with her nct group but found some good friends at Buggyfit which makes sense as they have that in common.

SummerNights1986 Sun 06-Dec-15 08:53:35

You're not alone op - there are lots in the same boat, usually if you have dc when you're younger than average IME.

I was 21 and 23 having dc's. NONE of my friends or even acquaintances had dc. Now, at 29, over the last year people in dh and my age group seem to be getting married and having dc en masse.

OhWhatAPalaver Sun 06-Dec-15 14:22:10

Littlebigcat, I happen to be in Stockport too! smile Which bit are you in?

I wasn't mega young when I had dd, 27, but all my friends up here either don't want children or aren't anywhere near ready yet. I have friends scattered about the country from uni etc, who have just started having babies, just no one up here!

Littlebigcat Tue 08-Dec-15 21:18:15

I'm in Davenport, it's lovely but not a huge amount going on. Where are you?

I was 29 when I had DS and I had thought we wouldn't be the only ones in our group by this point but we still are!!

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