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To post in aibu because I am completely at breaking point with dd and I don't know where to go from here and desperately need your advice.

(53 Posts)
throughaglassclearly Sat 05-Dec-15 17:28:13

Firstly have name changed.

DD is 12 years old. She has learning difficulties including dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. She also has issues with anxiety.

For years we were very close and she was a lovely girl.

For the last six months things have been horrendous. She struggled with the transition to secondary school but we had a 'honeymoon period' were she was really great and things were fine at home.

Then the year head left and several teachers she liked changed classes and she fell apart, she stopped coping. She even got detentions for not doing homework which is completely out of character although her behaviour at school was still very good. I went to the SENCO, got things put in place but things have been awful since then. For the record school have pulled out all the stops to support her, she is not being bullied, she gets masses of help and support and I really cannot ask more of them.

If she has had a bad day at school she literally explodes. A bad day can include someone putting their arms on her desk, someone chatting to her in lesson, someone saying something silly to her, someone disagreeing with her or her not getting the reward she wanted etc. She can be talking normally about a different topic and then she absolutely flips. She hits me, pushes me, hurts me, slams the door in my face and more. She kicks things across the room, throws things at the walls, breaks my things, screams in my face, tells me to ring the police she does not care, tells me I have brought her hitting on myself, holds me in a room and holds the door so I cannot get out, our neighbour complains about noise so she screams the place down and bangs intentionally to wind the neighbour up and says she doesn't care and calls them names (to me not them). If I go to another room she will just follow and ramps it up. She tells me to shut up.

If I had behaved anything like this with my own parents they would have gone nuclear.

Last week we had a massive tantrum because she asked for something from the shop and I said yes but that I needed to go somewhere quickly first.

I am utterly at my wits end. If I remove stuff she doesn't care. She does not go out so grounding doesn't work, If I talk calmly she ignores me, if I shout she shouts back. She will not go to her room to calm down she just gets in my face. She screams she isn't going to school I cannot make her etc.

She will not go to cahms or the gp, I have contacted young minds for advice too.

I am horrified at the girl she has become if I am honest. I am also sick of being in an abusive relationship with a child and ashamed to say I do not know a way forward or out of this, she screamed at me this morning that I should get lost and never come back and honestly I wish I could. sad

MuttonWasAGoose Sat 05-Dec-15 17:30:19

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I hope someone can come and give you practical advice.

baublesbells Sat 05-Dec-15 17:32:06

Sorry you are going through this flowers

I think you need specialised advise rather than post in AIBU

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 05-Dec-15 17:33:09

I would ask for this to be posted in SN children.

You will get a whole lot of replies about being firm with her here and that might just escalate situation here.

stargirl1701 Sat 05-Dec-15 17:36:54

Who supports you? Do you have a partner/husband? How does her Dad cope? Are you still together?

Can you meet with CAMHS without her to get advice? Is there a Community Link worker at her school? Would Social Work involvement help?

Extended family support? An Aunt? An adult cousin? Someone who could provide respite?

RubbleBubble00 Sat 05-Dec-15 17:39:51

I don't know much but have had amazing family support from barnardos. Referral through cahms (different name where we live). They came out for 12 wks and worked with us. Dc responded very well

throughaglassclearly Sat 05-Dec-15 17:47:32

I have seen the doctor without her but they will not move forward unless she engages. School have been told of the behaviour have been supportive and put sessions in place but do not see this behaviour in school (as I believe is common with some SN).

My parents when she is really bad have occasionally offered to have her to give me a break but they are both elderly with health issues, sometimes she refuses to go alone even though she is close to them but to be honest when she has been an absolute nightmare with me I do not really want her going for a jolly weekend of treats and days out which they do. I know it is petty but I think it gives her the wrong message completely!

Her Dad (my ex husband) is not in contact and has not been for some years. We do not have any family other than them.

throughaglassclearly Sat 05-Dec-15 17:50:23

For similar issues Rubble?
We have been told the waiting list for CAMHS is very long. I remember when we say them when she was small we waited forever.

Grumpyoldblonde Sat 05-Dec-15 17:52:26

I also think you need specialist advice, I also think that PMT is often completely overlooked in young girls - it was a massive problem for me at that age, something to think about perhaps? Awful for both of you, I sympathise

kippersmum Sat 05-Dec-15 18:00:49

My DD is 9 & has aspergers. It can be very tough. I think you need to ask for this to be moved to the SN chat board.

The people there have a wealth of experience & do not judge. I'm not sure the saturday night AIBU crowd are the same...

ommmward Sat 05-Dec-15 18:07:19

Does she enjoy being in school? Among the children of my (close) acquaintance with sensory processing disorder, I cannot even imagine them coping with secondary school - multiple transitions in one day, the chaos of the corridors, the complexity of queen-bee/wannabee interactions, the whole thing gives me the heebeejeebees just thinking about it.

Could you home educate? There are so many children in our home ed community who have sensory processing issues, and the transition to secondary can often be a moment when school becomes so clearly a poor fit that the whole thing is impossible. And it's a great age to try it - because if it doesn't suit her, then she can go back into school for year 10, and just go through GCSEs like the rest of the herd, but if it does suit her, it means you can side step a lot of the difficulties of the teen years.

If you are thinking about home education, then please give her (and you) an extended period of recovery before you starting doing anything explicitly or formally educational. The usual rule of thumb, which is recognised by Local Authorities, is a month per year in school, assuming no major trauma. In that time, you spend time together, help her develop her confidence and interests, do fun stuff like trips and activities, give her social opportunities that are suitable for her (often younger children are a good fit socially during the recovery period). You'll have your sunny daughter back well within the de-schooling period, and that'll give her and you a firm foundation to work out what kind of environment and education she'll actually thrive in.

Come over to the Home Ed board if you want enthusiastic advice smile

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 05-Dec-15 18:10:34

Grumpy makes a good point there. Hormonal changes can cause big issues at this age.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sat 05-Dec-15 18:20:35

Everything ommm said.

She's being asked to cope with something that she just can't cope with and she is buckling under the emotional and sensory overload.

What other educational options are there?

baublesbells Sat 05-Dec-15 18:25:10

Special needs chat is here

SuperFlyHigh Sat 05-Dec-15 18:25:46

Grumpy does indeed make a point re hormones. They can cause huge problems at your DD's age and when I was that age little was known about it but talking later to friends it turned out several of us had hormonal problems but feared we were mad so apart from family didn't talk about it to friends etc.

I had terrible PMS at 11/12 where I hated going to school but was more anxious and tearful than angry. I also had an undiagnosed thyroid problem that can start in childhood but that can also cause huge mood swings etc.

I was a perfectly normal balanced child re moods before 11/12. PM me if you want to chat. I have no idea what doctors etc do for hormones now but I know the pill helped me hugely re mood swings etc.

goodcompany2 Sat 05-Dec-15 18:26:21

Maybe the school can support you with rewards/incentives in school for good behaviour at home? Good schools manage poor behaviour in school by encouraging rewards/sanctions which learners get at home based upon their school behaviour. Perhaps school may support you with the reverse?

Just get through each day as it happens, horrendous as it is, it may be just a phase. tell yourself that when you feel overwhelmed and don't underestimate the power of 'love-bombing' her when she does behave in ways which are deemed positive. I teach and it all I can do sometimes not to get angry with certain classroom behaviours. It rarely helps; the times I can hold it together and switch to charm often get better results. Sometimes!

rumbleinthrjungle Sat 05-Dec-15 18:28:49

Have you asked the school to do an Early Help Assessment (what was the CAF, different areas call it different things) with you? Your county will have a team to manage these assessments who are always useful to talk to, you can find them by ringing your county council main desk. The assessment is a long form on which you can list all the areas you are struggling with and a multi agency meeting will be called to look at the options for you and meet those needs. The waiting list for CAMHS can be long, but there are often other programmes running or day trainings etc that they run that you may be able to be put on while waiting to see someone.

Some things to put on the EHA - a referral to your Community Paediatrician would be a good start, the school will have a link one. Any VIG training in the area may also help support you in managing her behaviour at home. You need to put clearly on the EHA that she is attacking you, that you are not able to cope with this and you need help de escalating her or knowing who to call when she's reaching this point. If you're in a situation where she is attacking and you don't feel you're handling it you can also call social services front desk at any time and ask them for advice on what to do. If they can hear her in the background that also helps get it quickly to the attention of the teams who offer urgent help.

throughaglassclearly Sat 05-Dec-15 18:30:50

No she hates school, absolutely hates it. She behaves well at school and tries but she hates it.

She has not got a statement. For two years she made no progress and I battled with the most useless primary senco, I did not know at the time I could apply myself. Now she is at secondary and has made bags of progress academically and although she has had self esteem, confidence and friendship sessions they are not seeing enough of the behaviour to warrant a statement. So now I am in a catch 22 were there is a school suitable for her needs but I cannot access It unless she is statemented.

I am not in a position to home educate and if I am honest I am scared of being at home with her more hours than I already am and her total resistance.

She is considering moving to a school that starts at 14 for year 10 which is more hands on in the area she likes but that's two years off. I cannot afford private school. I have considered Interhigh but I am worried about how unsecure my work position is and not being able to afford it is work goes pear shaped. I have tried to ask the lea about funding and they have said no.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sat 05-Dec-15 18:31:45

If she has had a bad day at school she literally explodes. A bad day can include someone putting their arms on her desk, someone chatting to her in lesson, someone saying something silly to her, someone disagreeing with her or her not getting the reward she wanted etc. She can be talking normally about a different topic and then she absolutely flips

This is absolutely classic sensory overload for someone with her dxs. It sounds as though her cup is full to the brim, she has no capacity for any extra tiny thing going wrong and she is probably full of resentment that she has to go to the unbearable place every day. A teenager won't hold back from expressing a meltdown in full.

Home Ed could be the answer, an ECHP and specialist placement could be the answer, so could a small private provision.

GreatFuckability Sat 05-Dec-15 18:31:57

I have a daughter the same age, she has no SEN but I recognise a lot of what you are saying. I believe its down to hormonal changes. I don't really have a ton of advice, but I certainly can empathise.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sat 05-Dec-15 18:34:19

So now I am in a catch 22 were there is a school suitable for her needs but I cannot access It unless she is statemented.

CAMHS could still help you get that the ECHP/statement.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sat 05-Dec-15 18:35:46

They might also be able to help you push for interim measures such as reduced timetable.

Is the 14+ a Studio School?

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sat 05-Dec-15 18:37:28

And let her go to the GPs if it gets you a break. Don't worry about the 'treats' aspect for now. You need to get through this flowers

throughaglassclearly Sat 05-Dec-15 18:38:26

The school has two reward systems. The first one is merits, so many merits equal a prize but dd does not consistently get merits, she is always good there and quiet and a bit invisible in class, that has never mattered because the second reward system was focused on behaviour, effort, attitude and homework, dd got gold across the board. She was made up and for a short time motivated. Only this year they have changed the system to include academics. So she has gone from gold to bronze purely based on academic achievement and aptitude and is furious about it.

She was on school action plus and iep before it changed. She has been assessed by school and they ran some sessions, they also mentored her.

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