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AIBU?

To wish dp would just tell sil no?

41 replies

ginmakesitallok · 05/12/2015 15:11

We've been planning to have a quiet christmas at home just us and the kids and Mil. Asked Mil ages ago. Anyway a couple of weeks ago Mil tells us that she thinks sil is going to invite us for Christmas. At the time I said we hadn't had an invite and we were staying at home. Last might sil sends dp a text asking if we want to go to theirs. I DON'T want to go.

Sil is fine. Her dh is a pain in the ass, as is his father. I don't want to spend all day with them. Food is a big thing for me, i look foward to Christmas dinner for months. Sil cant cook. Dp says he doesn't want to go, but "it's family!".

Dp still hasn't texted sil back. Aibu to think he just needs to grow some balls and tell her? I've told him he can go if he wants but I'm staying here.

(It's fine with me if Mil wants to go there, shouldn't be any awkwardness there)

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PurpleWithRed · 05/12/2015 15:12

DH needs to say no thanks, nicely.

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BifsWif · 05/12/2015 15:16

He just needs to say 'thanks for the invite but we're having Christmas at home'. No big deal.

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ginmakesitallok · 05/12/2015 15:16

All he needs to do is call her, thank her for the kind invite but we're having a quiet one at home and will see them all on boxing day.

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pigsDOfly · 05/12/2015 15:17

You've already made your arrangements, you're having Christmas at home with MIL. Why would you have to change your plans at this stage.

So what if she's family, you're DH's family now.

It's important to you, stick to your guns.

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ginmakesitallok · 05/12/2015 15:17

So why won't he??????? He's making it into a much bigger deal than it is.

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Sparkletastic · 05/12/2015 15:23

The correct answer is 'no thanks we have already planned to be at home but we'd love to see you on xxx date'
If he won't do it you should.

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ginmakesitallok · 05/12/2015 15:26

We're going for big family dinner on boxing day- saying no is fine. But it's always me who is the one to say no. He NEVER does! She texted him, so it should be him who replies.

I'm giving up, not mentioning it to him again

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pigsDOfly · 05/12/2015 15:30

How well do you get on with her? Would it make things awkward if you told DH you'll ring her and tell her you're staying at home this year if he's not happy say no to her?

I had this when I was married, never got to make any decisions about where we'd be for festivals. When MIL and exH wanted us to go to MIL that's where we went, when he decided it was time that they started coming to us, I was the one who did all the work.

Don't be pushed into doing something you're not happy with.

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ginmakesitallok · 05/12/2015 15:35

Oh don't worry I'm definitely not going! I think he's being rude not replying. I've asked him a couple of times and he just says he'll do it later. He doesn't want to do it just now. Why not? "Because I'll do it later"

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GabiSolis · 05/12/2015 15:50

Do you think he won't do it? Because unless that's the case I'm not really following where the issue is!

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ginmakesitallok · 05/12/2015 15:56

I don't think he'll do it. I think he thinks I'll change my mind. And I think it's rude not to tell them. I'd like to have a chat with Mil about it tonight, so that she knows we'd love to have her but will understand if she wants to go to sils

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ImtheChristmasCarcass · 05/12/2015 16:33

If he's already agreed to stay home, I'd take his damn phone and send the text myself.

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Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 17:04

He is being a dick.

I would want to shout 'Just get it fucking done!!'

I want to text her for you.

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reni2 · 05/12/2015 17:07

Tell your dh you've send SIL's number to one of us and he has until 6pm to text her or that anonymous mnetter will.

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5Foot5 · 05/12/2015 17:22

"Because I'll do it later"

Is there anything he is expecting you to do for him this evening. Cook tea? Iron the shirts? Because if so just sit back and say you will do it later. When? After you have stopped being such a dick and just send the bloody text.

YANBU and he is being rude for not replying asap.

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TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 17:25

Ooh, I like 5's idea.

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LittleBeautyBelle · 05/12/2015 17:29

I agree with all the other posters. You've already made your plans--Christmas at home with just you, your husband, your children, and MIL (unless she wants to go to SIL).

Having Christmas at home is not a crime. It is your decision, not SIL's. SIL is putting subtle pressure on and she knows her brother will be too afraid to challenge her and will give in. That's why he hasn't texted her back. He's afraid of her.

We had similar problems for years. In hindsight, I should have stood tall from the beginning and when I finally did, we finally had peace and everything got better. Take the reins. Pick up his phone and text back as the others above said, "Thanks for the invite but we're having Christmas at home. See you on Boxing Day." Don't add any sugary pandering or excuses or explanations. Always neutral tone and precise. It doesn't matter that your husband is afraid to do it and you are having to do it this time. It's none of SIL's business who is texting her back, it needs to be done. When your husband sees that you are confident in your authority, he will likely take your lead next time.

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ReginaBlitz · 05/12/2015 17:35

Yabu for looking foward to Christmas dinner for months, you need to get out more.

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Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 17:39

I don't think he'll do it. I think he thinks I'll change my mind.

This is interesting. Please OP, do nothing more. Mention it to no-one. Carry on with your plans for Christmas day at home.

How long will it be, do you think, before he realises that you're not going?

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TheLesserSpottedBee · 05/12/2015 17:40

I'd text her myself, thank you so much for the invite but we have planned a quiet day at home, just us but we will see you on X.

If he hasn't got the guts to do it, you do it yourself.

The choice is which phone you use to do it on

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Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 17:42

Nooooo, don't text for him. That is infantilising him and, more importantly, you would be stepping on your own point!

He has to do it himself.

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TeaFathers · 05/12/2015 18:02

stick to your guns OP.
DP sounds like a bit of a douchebag, no?

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badg3r · 05/12/2015 18:13

Write the text for him on his phone and leave it sitting there passively aggressively waiting for him to click send 😈

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reni2 · 05/12/2015 18:18

Well, if he waits for you to change your mind, leave plenty of messages. Post its:

Nope, won't go
Christmas @ home
Just the 2 (or 4 or whatever) of us
Still nothing doing

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LittleBeautyBelle · 05/12/2015 18:26

I see what Fairenuff is saying, and in healthy sibling relationships, yes, a husband would be secure enough in himself to be able to tell his sister that he is having a quiet Christmas at home with his wife and children. And generally I would never take over someone else's phone.

In this case, though, your husband doesn't know how to do this very simple thing. Give him a good, clear, easy example to follow, and he will see it really is okay to say, "No," simply, without any drama or emotions or hurt feelings or arguments or retribution.

From my own experience, I used to agonize over these types of dilemmas (and much worse) with my inlaws and wonder why my husband couldn't say a simple, "No, we've already planned to do x."

He didn't know how to, he'd never done it before. I think I was the first person to stand up to what was going on in his family. It felt GREAT. And you know what, there was nothing to be scared of and not a big deal. Remember, your husband and your children and how you spend Christmas are your territory, not your sil's or anybody else's. Internalize this truth, rejoice in it, and live it.

Go get his phone, right now, and text "Thanks for the invite but we're having Christmas at home. See you Boxing Day." Use his phone, and use it boldly. His sister needs to see that clear answer from his phone. If she thinks she can manipulate him by texting him and not bothering to ask what you had planned, then that thinking needs to get corrected. And now no need for nagging or worrying or agonizing. Don't get into any arguments with your husband. Let the sister do the nagging. Don't hide what you're doing. Go get the phone calmly and cheerfully and do what needs to be done. If he says anything, just smile and say to your husband, "We're having Christmas at home." That's all. Don't get into any long discussions. The fact is, it is not your sil's decision to make. Let us know how it goes.