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To think that if I've found stuff that helps me sleep, doing them is not being 'obsessed' and 'dependent'?

(38 Posts)
murmuration Sat 05-Dec-15 12:29:23

I've had insomnia for decades. It would take me 1-2 hrs to fall asleep, then I'd wake up around 3-4am and watch the clock slowly tick by to my 6am wake up, or if I was lucky, nearly so and get 10-15 minutes sleep right beforehand. I was always sleep deprived and could sleep in well past noon on weekends at times, the only thing that enabled me to keep going.

Over the past few years I've slowly found a number of things that have improved my sleep considerably, to the extent that I am getting a good 6-7 hours a night! It's bliss, and I love it! I still wake up around 3-4am, but only for 10 minutes or so rather than that being the end of the sleep.

But now I'm getting flack for doing these things - I don't think it's too much. I meditate for 15 minutes sometime after I put DD to bed, I wear blue-light blocking glasses for 2 hours before my bedtime, and I have a warm bath right before I go to sleep. If I don't some of these, my sleep is worse, although it usually takes several days of doing none of them to return to my previous insomniac pattern. But I can tell specific things, like if I don't wear the glasses I tend to take much longer to fall asleep, etc.

But DH says that I have an 'excessive routine' and am 'obsessed' about making sure I do these things (I do like to do them, it helps me sleep! I like sleep!). He says I'm getting 'dependent' on them - but I don't understand how I can be getting dependent on something when they improved my quality of life and all removing them does is let my quality of life drift (slowly) back to what it was before.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Sat 05-Dec-15 12:40:31

What does he suggest you do?

Enjolrass Sat 05-Dec-15 12:40:56


If you are doing them to the point that you can not go anywhere or deviate at all. Then I can see why it frustrating.

While it's great that you have found something that helps, if it's stopping you and your dh doing things, it's not ideal.

Does he suspect that it's actually the placebo effect.

I can't say either of Yabu, because I only know what you have written

RaptorsCantPlayPoker Sat 05-Dec-15 12:46:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat Sat 05-Dec-15 12:51:41

Wouldn't most of us do anything to get a decent nights sleep? I know I would. I thought you were going to say that you were reliant on drugs or something. What you describe sounds healthy and harmless.

Does it impact on your evenings with your husband at all or going out together? It's the only reason I can think of that he might be bothered by it.

firesidechat Sat 05-Dec-15 12:55:12

Nothing wrong with the placebo effect.

murmuration Sat 05-Dec-15 13:01:22

I think he doesn't like the way I look with the glasses (he says I look like my Mum, who has to wear dark glasses due to eye issues when in the bright sun), but I'm not sure how the rest could bother him. I do try to do them, but if there is a reason I can't, I am flexible. I'll skip the glasses to shag, for example smile

DH and I don't go out in the evening, but that's because we'd have to sort childcare, not my evening routine.

I feel like he doesn't like the idea that I have a routine at all - he's much more of a do-as-you-feel-right-now type, no matter what. I also try to get to bed right after the warm bath, as it helps me fall asleep if I can get into bed before my body cools down too much. Sometimes he seems to want to talk to me then, but I don't understand why we can't just chat before my bath. I'll often hang out and try to drum up a conversation, but it seems he suddenly starts talking instead right as I say I'm heading to the bedroom, as if he's just realised that's it for me for the day and now wants to chat.

RB68 Sat 05-Dec-15 13:03:46

its not drugs its a sleep routine and as someone else says he clearly never has had a problem sleeping - perhaps waking him up when you wake would help him understand!!!

I would just try not to be too obvious about it - e.g. boots glasses can add the blue light filter to any specs so just have those anyway, bath - most people bath or shower before bed don't they or in the am - why does it matter so much. The meditation is different but who is it hurting and if it allows healthful sleep what is the harm.

He is being ridiculous

MangoBiscuit Sat 05-Dec-15 13:09:03

I'm assuming your DH likes eating everyday. That he can skip the odd meal here or there if there's a reason to, but wouldn't feel too good if he went several days without eating anything. Perhaps your DH is obsessed with, and dependent on, food? grin

TheBouquets Sat 05-Dec-15 13:10:04

Cancel doing all these things for one week, get stuck in all the previous non sleeping situations and keep DH awake throughout all the wakingness and see what he has to say after a week of it. Bet he would let you do anything so that the household can sleep.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 05-Dec-15 13:13:46

People who don't experience insomnia have no fucking clue what it's like and why we cling to our routines. Actually I believe that half of what I do is placebo but then insomnia is a psychological issue so that's fine. I struggled with my XH who was a late sleeper and could sleep through a fire alarm and I don't know what I would do if I got a new boyfriend, even one who was sympathetic. It's very limiting. But the alternative is not sleeping which isn't an option.

noddingoff Sat 05-Dec-15 13:38:51

What bouquets said. Don't lie there silently and completely still in bed at 3am - shift about, accidentally dig your heels and elbows into him when you roll over, go to the loo and flick the light switch as noisily as you can. If all else fails and he's a heavy sleeper (and you live in a detached house), slap Faithless' "Insomnia" on as loud as you can, have a bit of a dance to it and sing along. Then he will be grateful that you have found a method of dealing with the problem. Honestly, if you were hearing impaired would he say that you are too dependent on your hearing aid and that he didn't like the look of it?

catfordbetty Sat 05-Dec-15 13:40:24

Point out that his quality of life, in part, depends on your quality of life. Sleep deprivation is not going to make you was to live with.

catfordbetty Sat 05-Dec-15 13:41:17

was = easy

expatinscotland Sat 05-Dec-15 13:42:01

I drug myself to sleep every night. I care not a jot what anyone thinks of this. YANBU. Stop giving headspace to people who can't mind their own fucking business.

liz70 Sat 05-Dec-15 14:03:07

"Does he suspect that it's actually the placebo effect."

"Placebo" doesn't come into it - the OP isn't taking drugs (or dummy pills). She's using methods and aids to help her sleep, which are working. I say carry on and disregard your DH's words. Nothing is more important than getting sufficient sleep - it's impossible to function normally otherwise, and leaves people feeling dreadful. If this is what it takes to help the OP sleep then her DH's thoughts are by the by - he should be happy for her that she's found ways that work for her.

coffeetasteslikeshit Sat 05-Dec-15 14:47:47

He sounds rather selfish tbh. It's all about him isn't it? No consideration for how you feel.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 05-Dec-15 14:55:07

Yanbu, I'd be tempted to use TheBouquet's suggestion. He clearly has no idea how awful it is to have insomnia.

I'm in expat's camp and drug myself to sleep every night, and I'm envious you have found a drug free solution to your insomnia, placebo or no.

If I had, I wouldn't give it up for anyone.

Enjolrass Sat 05-Dec-15 15:59:05

Placebo" doesn't come into it - the OP isn't taking drugs (or dummy pills). She's using methods and aids to help her sleep, which are working.

Placebo effect refers to treatment. It also has found its way into common language to include non drug related situations.

Besides which you clearly knew what I meant.

I stand by my question.

Op it doesn't sound like it's effecting your life too much, so Yanbu. You need to do this.

Is he usually quite selfish? Because if he isn't you need to sit him down and explain this fully. You are dependent on it, in that you need it to sleep. But that's not always a bad thing. You have found what works. It's not really impacting him. It can be worked around. M.

SSargassoSea Sat 05-Dec-15 18:05:12

He is a selfish idiot. My DH is the same - because he doesn't have any problem sleeping (he is overweight, hogs the blankets and snores) I am a fussy wooss because I complain that I want to go to bed early/ want the light off as I'm dozing off/ threaten to move to another room because he snores.
Most annoyingly he expects me to hang around in bed until he wakes and gets in the mood for a shag - I might have been awake since 4am.

Anyway, much more whingeing and i'm in the spare room. I recommend the same for you OP

murmuration Sat 05-Dec-15 18:14:01

Wow, people think I'm NBU! I didn't know that could happen smile

He does have insomnia at times, so I don't really get it. He has CFS/ME and can be quite exhausted (I do too, but not as bad).

And I'm not even sure how it can be all about him, because I can't see it affects him! Other than I look weird in my glasses, which I can't see how that's a burden at all. Of course, I could be wrong in that assumption. But it seems more like he's annoyed that I do things purposefully to help myself, as if he thinks it shouldn't be necessary. I don't think he doesn't want me to be helped, but seems to object to the idea that I can do stuff that helps (hmm, I wonder if because I can, than maybe he could, and it often frustrates me that he doesn't pace and manage his condition like he should).

FormerlyKnownasFK Sat 05-Dec-15 18:23:02


Does your DH criticise and snipe at other choices you make, especially when it's an area where you are taking responsibility for your wellbeing or making life a bit more pleasant for yourself?

My ex used to do it all the time. Low level picking. I do not miss it!

IWasHereBeforeTheHack Sat 05-Dec-15 19:00:16

My DH doesn't sleep well. I wish he could reach the kind of solution you have found - I would encourage him all the way, because without sleep he is like a bear with a sore head every day.

Sorry, I'm no help.

Rainbunny Sat 05-Dec-15 19:12:22

I have my own bedtime routines, a cup of decaf tea with milk and reading for a few minutes to get sleepy, plus I cannot sleep without earplugs and a white noise machine on so I definitely have my own quirks in the sleep department.

That said, can I ask if your routine causes any issues with your sex life? If you can never vary from it do you think perhaps your DH might resent it sometimes because he is in the mood for sex and he feels your routine shuts down any spontaneity? I only ask since me and DH are boring and usually overwhelmed by modern life by so sex mostly happens at bedtime for us.

To be honest I can also understand the annoyance of being told that I can't speak to or interact with my DH every evening after a certain time not matter what. I understand your reasons perfectly and you need to go through your routine but I would be unreasonably frustrated by this every now and then if my DH imposed this on me.

PhoenixReisling Sat 05-Dec-15 19:37:26

I am really finding it difficult as to why your DH has a problem with what you do.........

Would he rather you pop some sleeping medication? Would he rather you be sleep deprived?

Carry on OP!

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