Another MIL one. ....

[Tink06]

Mil has come to live with us through ill health. It means lots of adjustments all round. I am coping with it most of it but she is so bloody nasty.
She is awful to dsd for some reason. Dsd looks after her on her days off college, cooks lunch, makes constant drinks, keeps her company etc but she never has anything nice to say. She had her in tears last week as she said something really awful about her mum. Very uncalled for. Dsd ran out of the room heartbroken - i told mil how much she had upset her and comforted dsd but she didn't apologise. I asked dh to have a word but he hasn't.
I have just found out that she slags me constantly. The most annoying is she told her friends who came to visit that I don't do anything, dh comes home from work and does everything, cooks, cleans etc when its actually me that does it. This has really got to me as its the bit I find most stressful - cooking her healthy varied meals from her very limited options. Also coming home to pots all over, a pile of washing n ironing (continence issues so seems to be loads extra), as well as taking to her loads of appointments, sorting tablets, hospital etc...
She has always been like this - slags everyone as soon as their backs are turned so am trying to take it with a pinch of salt but how can I get her to stop it? I think dh should do it as its his mum and he should let her know its not acceptable, especially with dsd (his daughter )? Aibu in asking him. So far he is burying his head in the sand but I think being in ill health (mainly mobility wise) does not excuse appalling behaviour. Incidentally she isn't nasty to the other 2 kids (who are mine) or dss who is at uni most if the fine just dsd. I know he hates confrontation and doesn't want to upset her but I think it has to be tackled now and not left to fester.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

It's not fair on the young people on the receiving end of her tongue. You need to ask DH to deal with the situation, for their sakes at least, and if he doesn't then you will have to step in and change the arrangement.

[Senpai]

Is she usually like this? It could be early stage of dementia if such nastiness if out of character.

If her brain is fine, I would absolutely not be putting up with this and nip it in the bud.

[TheExMotherInLaw]

She's lashing out at the very people caring for her because she hates having to be cared for. Doesn't excuse it, tho, and dh needs to tackle it asap.

[RideEmCowgirl]

This situation needs to change before it destroys your own family.

If she has always been nasty then it isn't going to stop now. Maybe you need to rethink where she lives as it will only get worse, to the point that maybe your children won't want to come round.

Also is she really incontinent or just another of her nastiness. She needs to wear pads if that is the case.

Start putting your foot down as currently it appears that she is the "alpha" female in your home and you are the skivvy

[Readyforthefuture]

Personally I think it would be better if you have a conversation with her yourself making it clear that DH supports you. Otherwise you risk making him look like a pawn that you will both compete to attack each other. It's your house, and your right to dictate how you and the other people you live with are treated.

In terms of dealing with immediate issue, a short conversation along the lines of 'I'm hearing things which make me think you're not happy staying here, and this is backed up by how I see you treating some members of the family - do you want us to help you make alternative arrangements or do you think we can resolve some of this unpleasantness'. It will let her know the status quo is not ok, the ball is in her court to change things, and that you know what she's up to. She obviously won't go anywhere, but it's a reminder that she is very lucky to have the option to stay with family, not many do!

[pluck]

I was going to suggest dementia, too, until I saw the line about how she was fine to DSS. OP, are your two DC boys?

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Absoloutley no way would I be putting up with this in my own home. No way.

Can you and DH discuss alternative places for her to live?

[CombineBananaFister]

Am afraid it's tough if he doesn't like confrontation, his daughter needs his support. I know your MIL is probably going through a tough time feeling angry and vunerable but she's not lashing out at everybody it's just your DSD so it's out of order.
Being ill or old is not an excuse for poor behaviour, it might be understandable but not an excuse and needs bringing up. Poor DSD, she sounds brilliant

[Tink06]

Its not dementia - she has always been like this but I haven't noticed us on the receiving end (although we probably were). I think she is depressed and there is probably some truth in her lashing out at people caring for her.
She is staying so we need to make it work. If dh doesn't say anything I will have to but try and be diplomatic. Its not fair on dsd who in turn being cheeky and disrespectful and getting told off by dh.it was her who told me this , mainly I think to make her feel a bit better that its not just her (have no doubt its all true as have heard her criticising everyone).

[Tink06]

Forgot to say the continence is being addressed - got an appointment next week. She already uses pads - its not helped that she can't get to the loo quick enough.

[NicoleWatterson]

I wouldn't rule out dementia because she picks and chooses who she's horrid too, I've seen that with sufferers. Especially if they are 'good' for the non carers who don't see them much but tricky for the carers. (Think three year old on best behaviour for their auntie, but bloody awful for mum)
Although you've said she's always slagged people off.

I think you have two options
Get carers and help in
She goes

It's not fair for her to be vile to you and her grand daughter, it's also not fair for your dh to expect you to just put up with it because she's his mum.
Let's face it as she gets older the level of care and help she needs is going to be more, she's not suddenly going to be accepting or nicer about it.

You need proper discussions now, this is not going to be better.

[Penfold007]

She isn't happy living with your family so she needs to live elsewhere. Her son needs to step up and do all the caring until he finds alternative accommodation for her.

[Adelecarberry87]

Dementia doesn't necessarily make them target certain people and constantly slag them off to others. Nasty outbursts would be redirected to anyone and everyone and not as person as the OP SD mum. It might be frustration but it sounds as if shes just a nasty person who thinks the world owes her something. My nana my DF mum was vile human. There is such a thing as a nasty old person. They aren't all sweet. Your DH and you need to sit her down and explain her behaviour will not be toleranced and if she continues she will have to seek approiate accomdation else where. Harsh i know but might be the kick up the arse she needs. You can't be walking on egg shells in your own home nor is it fair on your poor SD and if she turns on the other children home.

[mintoil]

I am quite shocked that you say "she is staying" and would tolerate this abuse for DSD. MIL is so awful that DSD is in tears but you are condoning this by allowing her to stay - presumably from your post, no matter what she does?

Perhaps you didn't mean it quite like that? I hope not.

I agree with PP - she needs to understand she stops being such a bitch or she lives elsewhere. I wouldn't inflict all this on my DC.

[timelytess]

Put a stop to this.

[IJustLostTheGame]

Wow.
Tell your DH to step up.
There's no way I would tolerate that treatment to dsd.
You need to organise a carer or better yet throw her in a home.
Yes she's old, yes she needs help but no, you shouldn't have to suffer this.

I live in dread of Mil needing constant help. I've already told DH she will NOT be living with us and it will be her or me in that situation.

[Russellgroupserf]

Your DH sorts it out or she has to leave, why is he doing nothing? Is he scared of her?

I told DH that I would never have his parents live with us when older as I knew full well caring would end up down to me as he travels abroad with his work a lot.

[SSargassoSea]

OMG people live into their 100s nowadays (more likely if they are being looked after and fed and watered with care) - you do realise what you have committed to here.

At the least get a carer in and stop putting DSD through this soul destroying treatment from mil.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Your poor DSD

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Wild guess here but presumably DH just wants you all to get along together and not stress him out. It must feel like the whole atmosphere at home has changed.

Let the comments to her friends slide off you. So what if a few strangers think her son is a saint. If they thought about it they'd soon realise there aren't enough hours in the day for him to work full time and do absolutely everything.
(I was going to suggest looking for a carer support scheme where a volunteer comes to your house and chats with her until I read the bit about her slagging you off to friends, so she's not short of a croney or two).

Regarding incontinence glad MIL has an appointment, I believe there's a continence nurse attached to GP surgeries so she can arrange for a visit and assessment. If she's got mobility problems it's probably under the category of 'forced incontinence' - maybe she'd qualify for free pads which would be bigger than ones in the shops (and save a bit of money).
//www.continence-foundation.org.uk/living-with-incontinence.html

It's no good DH not raising anything with his mum. Things won't settle just because he ignores it all. Sticking up for DSD is well and good but she shouldn't be harangued in the first place.

If MIL's mobile enough to be turning the kitchen into a tip she is either less incapacitated than it appears or intent on marking new territory.

[Hissy]

Wow, your h is prepared to sit and watch his own daughter be abused by this old woman and do nothing? Who does he think will be making decisions about HIS old age care?

Mil needs to go. This situation is not working for any of you. Including mil herself.

[SSargassoSea]

Also think that DH should be made to take some responsibility for at least getting her pills, taking her to some appts. It sounds like his life continues unaltered whilst yours is upside down.

[Oldraver]

I think she needs to be told to STFU and be nice to those caring for her or you will find someone else to do it

[Tink06]

Think I have come across wrong here. Dh does help. I work part time so always do the bulk of the cooking as I am in first.
I think he does just want us all to get on so is hoping it will all settle down.
The daytime mess is dsd (another story)...
Mil isn't a horrible person and her life has been totally uprooted so can see why she is depressed. She isn't that old - early 70s. She loves being here, although it doesn't sound like it on paper. She did have sheltered accommodation but hated being on her own. That's what I mean about her staying. We need to make it work.
The best description is the Catherine Tate gran. Wants visitors and company , is nice while your there but launches into 'what a fkn liberty' the second you are gone.
I think she has been like it so long its natural to her now .
The issue with dsd needs tackling and dh has actually said something today but I honestly don't think mil realises she is doing it.
Dsd lives with us and we are close. She knows we are tackling it and won't let it carry on. I need to nip it in the bud now.
A volunteer carer might be a good option - someone for her to offload to . She isn't a nasty person just someone who has had a really rough time.

[Hissy]

Your dsd needs to stop doing the caring. Today.

If any comments come from mil be very clear with her, you are bloody awful with this young girl and we are protecting her.

Upheaval? You've signed yourselves up for what? 20 odd years of this woman?

The woman needs to be in an appropriate and professional environment, or in her own space with social care. Tearing you and your family to pieces has to be removed from the equation.

Stop defending someone who is damaging your home life, and hurting a child for no other reason than she wants to.