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to feel conflicted?

(20 Posts)
Ludoole Fri 04-Dec-15 21:11:39

My husband died 2 days ago and ive been informing his friends.
One friend who is female and an ex has asked if she can see him in the chapel of rest to say goodbye.
I feel a bit weird about it and dont really know what to say.
Ive told her he had drastically physically altered in his appearance since he got ill and maybe she would be better holding on to the memories instead but she still wants to see him.
Im just not comfortable with the idea of an ex being on her own with him. I know its irrational and im prepared to be told im unreasonable and should get a grip but its niggling me.
She hasnt seen him in a while and he hated the way he looked over the past few months (skeletal and bright yellow). I thought it would just be family and people who saw him regularly that may want to see him.
I feel conflicted and dont know what to think really.

Littlefluffyclouds81 Fri 04-Dec-15 21:15:41

Sorry for your loss OP.

Not sure what the protocol is here, but I'm sure you don't need anything else upsetting you right now. But maybe it's important for her to say goodbye, if they were together a while.

ChampagneTastes Fri 04-Dec-15 21:17:51

So sorry for your loss. My feeling is that your wishes have priority here. If you don't want her there, she doesn't get to be there. There are many other ways she can mourn and say goodbye.

Osolea Fri 04-Dec-15 21:17:56

I'm so sorry you lost your husband. flowers

If you feel wierd about it then listen to that feeling, if it makes you uncomfortable then say no. There's nothing wrong with saying no, I know it would have made me feel quite uncomfortable if someone I hadn't expected had asked me the same thing when my DH died. The way you feel is not irrational at all, and even if it was you'd be allowed!

Is there anyone else you can ask to give the message that you'd rather she didn't visit him?

Pollyputhtekettleon Fri 04-Dec-15 21:18:47

That's so tough and I'm so sorry for your loss. She is an ex. I think she needs to step back and grieve privately, not get in your face and put you in this position. Just tell her that you would prefer not as you feel your dh was very unhappy with how he looked at the end so in respect to him you are keeping such things as close family only.

I don't know the full situation with her and him and how things were left but at most she is a friend. I'd tell her politely to back off. You have more than enough on your plate.

Dogsmom Fri 04-Dec-15 21:19:45

Yanbu he was your husband and if it doesn't sit right with you then say no, there's no right or wrong way to feel and you don't need anything else on your mind at the moment.

Ludoole Fri 04-Dec-15 21:23:06

Littlecloud They havent been together for over 15 years and i suppose in my head she knew he was terminally ill for the last 16 months and had plenty of time to visit.
Osolea I was going to talk to his sister about it tomorrow and see what she thought but didn't want to appear unreasonable.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Fri 04-Dec-15 21:24:27

Oh OP, I'm really sorry for your loss. It would be totally fine to tell her that you would rather she did not go as you're not confortable with it and then forget it. You are a lovely person to worry about her feelings in this but it is completely fine just to say no.

Ludoole Fri 04-Dec-15 21:24:59

Thank you for not making me feel like a horrible evil cow im being totally unreasonable. smile

FoxesSitOnBoxes Fri 04-Dec-15 21:40:27

You're being incredibly reasonable. She is an irrelevant person. Don't give it any more thought. You're clearly a lovely person

StealthPolarBear Fri 04-Dec-15 21:44:08

It sounds as though your dh's wishes would have been the same as your own.
so sorry for your loss

comedycentral Fri 04-Dec-15 21:45:51

I would say no, she may be one of those people who like to involve themselves deeply in the grief of others. Sorry for your loss x

ImperialBlether Fri 04-Dec-15 21:48:14

I'm so sorry your husband died, Ludoole.


I think seeing him now is a really intimate thing and something she has no right to ask for, given she couldn't shift herself to see him when he was ill. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I'm sorry, only family will be visiting him now. That was what he wanted." Then forget her. She's trying to make this about her.

TempusEedjit Fri 04-Dec-15 21:49:07

She's an ex from 15years ago and is being crashingly insensitive for bringing this up.

So sorry for your loss x

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Fri 04-Dec-15 21:52:11

If she hasn't seen him in all the time he's been unwell she's probably lost her chance.

You're nice than me, I'd have told her where to go.

Sistedtwister Fri 04-Dec-15 21:53:40

Sweetheart, just tell her the funeral home says it's not a good idea and he wouldn't want it. They said this to me when my dad died.

Alternatively just say no... it's your wishes that count and if you're uncomfortable then that's that. YANBU

Wombatinabathhat Fri 04-Dec-15 21:55:35

"I'm sorry, only family will be visiting him now. That was what he wanted."

I think Imperial is spot on with this.

I would feel the same in your position Ludoole
I'm very sorry for your DH has died thanks

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Fri 04-Dec-15 21:55:47

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

It really doesn't matter if your feelings are unwarranted, unreasonable or anything else. They are your feelings and that is all that matters at this awful time.

Do what feels right for you and don't worry about anyone else.

Fwiw I think she was very insensitive to ask and has put you in a situation you don't need to be in right now. Yanbu at all to say no.

wilkos Fri 04-Dec-15 22:00:05

Yes I agree, she's had plenty of time to visit so no, she does not get to see him now. Tell her politely no and don't give it a second thought.

So sorry for your loss thanks

OfficeGirl1969 Fri 04-Dec-15 22:30:00

You have so many other, really important things to be thinking about right now, Ludoole. Your grief and that of your children. Adjusting to life without him. Planning a funeral. Continuing your lives.

The very last thing the entire world that you need to worry about right now, even if it sounds harsh, is someone who is not a part of your life.

You don't need to contact her personally. Ask a friend to speak to her and calmly, factually say no...that won't be happening, it isn't what the family wish to happen....

And then put her out of your mind. Don't think about her again. It's not about her, it's just about you and the family. Take care x

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