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AIBU?

To think he is playing me?

15 replies

Hi8 · 04/12/2015 20:01

To think he is playing me

Guy I met through work, we work on the phones so often get time to chat. I like him and he knows it we've been getting close for past few months been out together alone a few times.

He now tells me he has a fiancé who doesn't mind him hanging out at other women's houses or going out for meals with other women... I told him are you for real? apparently he tells her he is "just friends"with me

Fair enough but how many women would be happy with their fiancé becoming close to another woman

OP posts:

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MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2015 20:06

I have a male friend who is friends with all the women at my old workplace. He's not smarmy, or sleazy, he's not after anything. His wife calls us his 'Harem' as a joke. She's absolutely fine with it because she's happy that he would NEVER go over boundaries. Utterly fine.

Now, if he knows you fancy him; that's different.

ovaryhill · 04/12/2015 20:10

He's playing you like a fiddle
Don't believe a word of his guff, his poor fiance will have no idea what he's coming out with and I'd be very surprised if she is ok with him hanging out with other women

BubsandMoo · 04/12/2015 20:11

How is he playing you? Are you more than friends, has anything happened between you? What do you mean by getting close?

Many women are more than happy for their male partners to have female friends, or have no opinion on the sex of their partner's friends. Emotional affairs are something different, but it's really not clear from your post if that's what this is. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at my OH going for a drink with a female friend, he certainly wouldn't have to justify "she's just a friend" to me, that sounds a bit odd.

Hopefullyoneday1 · 04/12/2015 20:14

I wouldn't believe a word he says. I would put money on it, his fiancé has said nothing of the sort. I would be inclined to tell him to jog on!

TheWitTank · 04/12/2015 20:19

Yep, he is definitely playing you.
You have been chatting for a few MONTHS and out a few times and he hasn't mentioned his partner once . He is loving having your attention and feeling like a stud. I get his partner knows absolutely nothing about it -would put money on it actually.

MsVestibule · 04/12/2015 20:19

You've become close at work over the last few months, been out together a few times by yourselves and he's only just mentioned a fiancée? Why on earth has that only just come up in conversation if he thought you were just friends?

Needtobebetter · 04/12/2015 20:19

I think it depends on the kind of conversations you have really and the type of feelings he has for you. Does he overstep boundaries? For example, texting late at night, calling you when he's alone, confiding relationship difficulties, being overly physical. I don't think that going out for a meal, or chatting excessively at work are, as isolated incidents, playing you but I think an accumulation of actions together could be.

I have a close male friend who I met at work, we've both been in relationships, we've both been single and we've had times where one of us is in a relationship and the other isn't. Never, ever has it felt like more than friendship - we respect our friendship far too much to overstep boundaries.

You need to have a conversation with him but to be honest, you need to cut ties. A friendship like this cannot work if you have feelings for him that are more. Honestly, he's not playing you, you've developed feelings which have complicated everything. Unless he's being inappropriate then he hasn't done anything wrong.

FreeWorker1 · 04/12/2015 20:21

Hi8 - you shouldn't be 'getting close' to someone who has a fiancé. Are you not just as bad as he is? Who is playing who here?

TheWitTank · 04/12/2015 20:28

Free -read the op. She has only just found out he has a fiance.

Hi8 · 04/12/2015 20:48

I've only just found out
I thought he had feelings for me too and was shocked when he said he was engaged... He has clearly been flirting with me
I thinks it's an arranged marriage too

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 04/12/2015 20:55

Hmm, if you are prepared to accept it as a friendship and nothing more, then it is fine!

If you want more, and/or he wants more, that is not good!

FreeWorker1 · 04/12/2015 21:28

Hi8 - apologies I had not picked up that it was only recently you found out he was engaged. If you carry on then that would be wrong. You need to distance yourself and make it clear to him that you are not interested.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2015 23:42

I wonder if his 'arranged' fiancee is allowed to hang out with men on their own and go for meals.

LaLyra · 05/12/2015 00:00

I wouldn't believe a single word that came from him again, not even as friends.

Who goes months without mentioning their fiancee except a liar? He'll probably say he didn't lie, but do you think in all of that time not once has he deliberately not mentioned her when you said "What did you do at the weekend?" or "How was your day off?" or "Did you see X on tv last night?"? - I think not.

Birdsgottafly · 05/12/2015 01:46

I know people who have had arranged marriages and it is accepted that the Man can have "white girlfriends" and it doesn't count because it is the Woman's fault for being "immoral".

So he may not be fully lying.

You haven't had the friendship that you thought you had. You fancy him, so just keep the friendship in work, because anything else would be wrong.

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