AIBU to be pissed off and upset with DH for being unsupportive re my job?(73 Posts)
I have been having a crazily busy time at work recently and DH has been unbelievably unsupportive.
To give some context, I used to work in an industry notorious for long hours. My hours weren't actually that bad but I knew it wasn't maintainable. I really enjoyed it but wanted a job with a good life balance, and whilst we don’t have children yet, one that was compatible with family life. So we discussed it and I moved to a job which isn’t as fulfilling but 90% of the time is a 9.30-5.30/6pm.
Dh has a very stressful, tiring job and sometimes has to work long hours and weekends, which I just accept. In terms of DH's career I have been ridiculously supportive. Giving up weekends and evenings to help him prepare for exams & write job applications, coach him through job interviews and even a couple of times write essays for courses he's had to go on. I don't mind doing it as I see us as a partnership and my involvement has helped him be more successful, which is beneficial to me, not only financially but also (because of his job) the better he is the more likely he is to get jobs in the location where I want to live (which is very competitive).
Sorry for all the waffle, but it feels kind of relevant to what is happening now. Which is that I have had a very high profile project on at work, which is very important and also good for my career if I do well on it. Because of this I was a bit stressed about it last week, and had to work on Sunday. I also ended up not getting home from work til 11pm on Tuesday and again last night (he likes to be in bed going to sleep at 11). I haven't asked him to help me out at all, other than spend 20 minutes listening to me rehearse my presentation. I also haven't even asked him to do things like think about whether there's anything for me to eat when I get home late without having had dinner.
But he has been so pissed off and moany this week, ringing me at work and complaining in quite a nasty way about me staying late. And also going on about how tired he is and how it's impacted his sleep because (twice!) we've gone to bed 20 minutes than normal (he says he can't sleep if we don't go to bed together). Last night I got home at 11pm and he had gone up to bed and didn't reply when I called up to say hello. I went and had a bowl of cereal (hadn't eaten since 12pm) and he came downstairs to rant at how inconsiderate I was being, how badly I was impacting on his sleep, and how I was just sitting there 'gorging' and then 'banished' me to the spare room so I didn’t disturb him and stormed back upstairs.
Sorry this has ended up very long, but I am so hurt and pissed off at how supportive I am over his career, and yet when I have an important but difficult time at work even just for a week all he can do is complain about how it's having a negative impact on him (which it's really not!). He doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong – just texting ‘love you’ today and ignoring my pissed off texts.
He's a twat. Do you think this might be him being jealous / resenting you doing well at work?
Also, he can't go to bed unless you do? Is he 5?
Well the first thing that jumped out at me was that your support for him is about the benefits to you, not unconditional support.
Why did you call up to him when you knew he'd gone to bed?
YANBU, of course not.
You sound like you care about your career so you need to talk to him about how this will all work when you have kids, I think most people agree you can't have it all so will your career go down the toilet, will he pay out for childcare or will you share the load?
This man sounds like a bit of a prick. He is allowed to be in charge, regarding bedtimes, when you are home, he hasnt adjusted his work life to balance things at home etc...
Also stop him calling you at work unless it's an emergency, it's really unprofessional.
He's an arse and owes you an apology. YANBU
He's a dickhead. Or is being one at least. Tell him to grow up -can't go to bed on his own?
I would point out to him all the times you have supported him and ask him why he is finding it so hard to do the same. The phoning you at work to moan is very controlling.
He is an asshole. Somebody up mentioned jealousy and they may be very well right.
Also, moaning he cannot sleep without you and telling you to sleep in the spare room? Coherent much?
Consider long and hard before tying yourself up with him with children.
Why does he get to be in charge of bed time? Calling hello when you come in, around his bed time not after, is polite not inconsiderate. Why is so het up about bed time...a lot of people don't have one...dh and i have gone to bed antime between 10 and midnight this week and about 50/50 together or different times. Does he think you're there to facilitate his life and somehow inferior? Sounds like it
He's being a twat. Have you just outright asked him why he's being like this?
No one should be trying to control another adult's bedtime and food. Why does he think he gets to tell you how to live?
I wouldn't be having kids with this one, he's clearly not going to adjust well.
Thanks for the replies and reassuring me it's a normal response to be so pissed off about this!
Good and Ofa - I don't think he's jealous (he's generally quite proud when I do well) but I think he is quite used to our lives revolving around his career (we spend a lot of time and energy talking about it) and can't seem to cope with mine having an impact on us?!
Milk - mainly I help him because I want him to do well for himself, but I didn't want to make out like I was some selfless angel as there are upsides to him doing well in his career for me.
He does get a bit obsessed about bedtime, he does need to be up at 6am every day and has quite an exhausting job but I do find it quite controlling that he feels that he should be able to demand that I go to bed as soon as he wants to. Although I do also prefer to go to bed together as I think it's nicer.
Wow - I think you need to have a calm discussion about way is trying to make a difficult situation harder for you? What would he actually like you to do about the situation?
He sounds like a total TWAT actually.
Calling you at work is 100% not on. I feel so bad for the people at work who have partners who call and moan about them being late home - do you think they WANT to be in the office??
Shouting at you like that is not on.
Having no regard to there being food for you is not ideal, although I would take a bit of responsibility for this yourself and eat at work. Surely you can get some food delivered to work? Or buy some ready meals you can microwave at work? Or by a 'double lunch' and buy a second sandwich crisps and banana or whatever when you get your normal lunch.
Putting responsibility for his poor sleeping onto you is not on. He can't go to bed unless you go at the same time? Really? However if he finds it disturbing to have you come into bed after him you could sleep in the spare room, I know quite a few couples that have a 'spare room if you're going to be very late' policy.
I think if I ask him why he was being like this he'll say sorry but brush it off and minimise it by saying he was just tired and grumpy (which is his normal excuse for being an arsehole). I guess I just don't feel that's a good enough excuse because it feels like there's something deeper (although not sure what) behind him acting like this.
I'd call him out on it. Tell him that even if he is tired and grumpy, it is not acceptable for him to be acting this way, and you'd prefer it if he acted like an adult.
Whois - that's exactly it. I think that's why I'm so upset. He has made a difficult situation harder for me when I always work to make them easier for him.
I would point out in writing all the ways in which you make his life easier by supporting him and set out all the things he did last week that made life harder for you.
I wouldn't normally think like this, but HONESTLY!!! Who does he think he is?? I am very annoyed on your behalf and really think you should raise this in a manner he cannot brush off. You deserve a promise that this will not happen again.
It is slightly irritating when someone is getting in super late when you have to get up early, really one of you should have taken up in the spare room... But his attitude sucks.
If you end up having children together then the going to bed at the same time is going to cause awful issues and he won't be able to cope with the early starts and night wakings think very, very carefully about having his children. My DH works very long hours indeed, but I always have a dinner waiting for him to warm up when he gets in even if it I only a ready meal, it is a polite and supportive and normal thing to do for a partner who will get in very late surely, but you can easily buy in your own ready meals to have when you get in if need be. The bedtime thing concerns me though.
You wrote essays for him and he can't even get you some food when you are working late? WTF?
YANBU OP. He sounds selfish and stroppy. You seem to be bending over backwards for him but how does he support you?
* then 'banished' me to the spare room so I didn’t disturb him and stormed back upstairs.*
no no no
Fair enough he needs some sleep, but he is welcome to use the spare room himself.
One of us use the spare room fairly regularly in my house (with young babies, to let the other sleep, or when one is spending the night coughing), so I am not against the principle, but there's a way to do it!
OP, one thing that babies do, is to disrupt sleep! How will your DH react when his precious sleep is being disturbed every 2 hours?
It is worth getting to the bottom of it, before you go any further with him.
ugh, he sounds unpleasant from that picture you paint in OP
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