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To think he should make up the lost money

(30 Posts)
Mooey89 Fri 04-Dec-15 13:24:16

I have a 2.5 year old DS. Exh and I have been split for 2 years due to domestic abuse.

He pays me £150 per month in maintenance, this was done informally as when we calculated it it was about the same and I wanted to avoid a fight.

DSs nursery fees are £950 per month (full time). His parents very very kindly give pay £150 towards this every month.

I have a great relationship with his mum, but he is as abusive to her as he is to me. Earlier this week he escalated in his abusive behaviour to her and they have decided to withdraw their support.

I totally understand this and I know how awfully he has been treating them, but as part of this they have decided no more nursery money.

This means that that portion of the fees are now late, and I need to find £150 before Christmas. I don't have any money left over at the best of times. I can't get any more in tax credits because of my earnings.

I pay the rest of the nursery fees, rent, provide all clothe, food, nappies, all that a toddler needs. I have text ex to say that this is due to his unreasonable behaviour, that his parents have been perfectly happy (it was their idea!) to help financially up until now, I still get on well with them and I am the one who is now going to struggle.

I hate being financially dependent on them but I work my arse off and still don't have money left over, how am I going to cover this?? Why should it be me who has to deal with this because he can't treat his mother with respect??

whois Fri 04-Dec-15 13:26:11

Have you phoned and talked to them? Asked them why they are punishing you and their grandchild for their sons behaviour?

TheBunnyOfDoom Fri 04-Dec-15 13:28:18

I don't understand why they're not supporting your DS anymore because of ex? Surely them helping you with nursery fees is nothing to do with ex-DH?

Arfarfanarf Fri 04-Dec-15 13:30:17

he should, but realistically he isn't going to, is he?

His parents obviously saw helping to support his child as a favour they were doing him, not you, otherwise why 'punish' you for his behaviour? In their eyes they have stopped giving him this help.

Sadly, you need to plan what you're going to do assuming neither he nor his parents are going to pay this £150 per month from now on.

Can you talk to the nursery and ask for some time to find the money, or agree a payment plan?

lighteningirl Fri 04-Dec-15 13:31:01

They are being unreasonable talk to them

99percentchocolate Fri 04-Dec-15 13:32:19

I would ring and calmly explain to them that it is you and DS they are punishing, not their son. Presumably they were paying to help him out with the fees and saw it as part of his contribution? Now they're withdrawing their help towards him?

Mooey89 Fri 04-Dec-15 13:34:31

Yes, they said they are really sorry but that they feel that he needs to learn that this will now result in him having to pay the shortfall - which obviously he won't, he just text me to say it's my own fault for not sending DS to a childminder, which would apparently be 'half the cost' (it's actually more expensive with the hours I need)

yorkshapudding Fri 04-Dec-15 13:36:39

I don't understand why your ex's Parents think withdrawing support for their Grandson is an effective or fair way of punishing their sons behaviour. It seems very unfair and I don't see what they hope to achieve. Can your ex afford to cover it? Is he likely to do so? I'm sorry you're in this situation flowers

yorkshapudding Fri 04-Dec-15 13:40:12

Sorry, cross post. I think you need to speak to them and explain that their son is refusing to cover the shortfall. They need to know that their plan has backfired, he's not going to suddenly step up and be a responsible father so the only ones who will suffer as a result of this decision are you and their Grandson

TheBunnyOfDoom Fri 04-Dec-15 13:42:01

Your ex's parents are going about this the wrong way. If their son refuses to pay, will they just let you suffer and see their GS go without?

Arfarfanarf Fri 04-Dec-15 13:42:02

It is very very unfortunate. While obviously they have no obligation to pay any portion of your childcare costs, and can stop at any time for any reason, it has been really really lovely of them to do so until now and this must feel like a kick in the teeth. The timing is also bloody unfortunate. Just before christmas.

Of course he won't pay - and surely they must know this - and you will be shafted six ways to Sunday. He's not going to care.

I think though that really all you can do is thank them for the help they have given you to date, tell them that you understand that they don't feel like helping their son out, given his behaviour towards them, but he will not pay.

Egosumquisum Fri 04-Dec-15 13:42:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pilgit Fri 04-Dec-15 13:42:28

They areally making the mistake of thinking he is a reasonable human being and that he'll take his responsibilities seriously. Of course, he won't. Explain this to them and ask them how they think you should deal with this and what in his past behaviour makes them think this will work. I don't have any answers for you. It sucks. Longer term go to the CSA.

Enjolrass Fri 04-Dec-15 13:44:53

You need to tell them that he won't make it up and so it's punishing your ds.

If exh won't give you the extra and it's about what he should be paying if you went through CSA, you won't get it through CSA either.

I would go through CSA though. He is a twat and you need something concrete.

lighteningirl Fri 04-Dec-15 13:46:10

Absolutely go to the CSA let them argue with him and chase him. I think I would politely thank the in laws for all their help so far and respect their efforts (probably misguided) to deal with their own idiot offspring.

peggyundercrackers Fri 04-Dec-15 14:23:26

I don't get why you would call them and ask them to keep paying - they have been more than generous. your fight Is with your ex. not them. I think its wrong to call them and ask them to keep paying - they are not responsible for your child.

you say you accepted he was only to pay £150 as that's all you think he would be due - if you go to CSA is that what they would award you? if so you have effectively been getting double what you would get if you go through them.

lavenderhoney Fri 04-Dec-15 17:05:13

Do you get a Christmas bonus? Can you go in and ask for a pay rise or find another job that pays better? You can't have this every month- all the worry.

Mooey89 Fri 04-Dec-15 17:14:47

No Christmas bonus and can't get another job.

I am being considered for a promotion but not for a while.

TendonQueen Fri 04-Dec-15 17:18:02

While he's being a complete dick, I'd be very disappointed in his parents for not seeing that it's you and DS who will suffer, not him. Do they have a strong relationship with their grandson?

Waltermittythesequel Fri 04-Dec-15 18:03:39

Unfortunately it is their perogative.

They have no obligation to your ds, even if he is their grandson.

You could always go through CSA for more from your ex?

It is shit though.

LineyReborn Fri 04-Dec-15 18:09:57

It's the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) now, and if he's in employment then yes I would go through this service.

Are you absolutely certain you get every scrap of child are tax credit and any other voucher / free hours / benefit going?

This was the fucking unfairness I had when my ExH left - he paid a pittance and I had to cover every damn cost.

And yes, talk to your Ex's parents again.

TimeToMuskUp Fri 04-Dec-15 18:18:16

Wow he's a dick supreme. And his parents aren't as kind as you say if their attitude towards their Grandson is that it's not their problem after previously offering support.

Go to CMS and have his salary recalculated by them. And flowers because it's an awful position to be in.

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Dec-15 18:21:34

Do you know what his salary is, roughly? Or his job? Just out of interest for CMS.

Could you message or speak to his parents and just explain to them that he is refusing to contribute the shortfall, and while you know they aren't under any obligation to help, they are leaving you in a precarious position, right before Xmas.

At least then they'll know what a dick their son is.

If he was my son, I'd continue to pay the nursery fees and then change my will so his portion went straight to his son. That'd teach the twunt. Hmph.

scarlets Fri 04-Dec-15 18:23:07

Would they be prepared to continue paying it on the basis that you'll pay them back (at the same monthly rate) when your DC starts school? A loan, in other words. When your DC commences full time education you'll be better off financially, especially if you get that promotion (good luck!), so you'll be able to find £150 per month then.

lunar1 Fri 04-Dec-15 18:31:16

I know I'm missing the point but £150 maintenance when childcare is £900 is a bloody joke!!!

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