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to not want to spend another Xmas day with PiL?

(79 Posts)
peppansalt Fri 04-Dec-15 13:03:02

Right; for my sins we live next door to PiL. DH has 2 brothers, one reasonably local, one 2 hours away (both have own families).

My DM lives locally but alternates Xmas between me and my DB (lives 4 hours away)

My beef is that every bleeding Xmas day we are expected to have PiL here. One BiL says he MUST spend Xmas day with his wife's family hmm and the other just frankly can't be bothered hmmhmm. So they keep their heads down and assume we'll host PiL

Wouldn't be so bad if they were more easy going but they are really hard work! They don't get on brilliantly with my DM and the atmosphere can be excruciating.

Well this year I want to have Xmas lunch at DM's house but DH doesn't want to "leave his parents out" as otherwise they'll be on their own!
He wants lunch here with yet again everyone coming and me going into melt down about cooking lunch -(v judgy pants MiL!) Can already feel blood pressure escalating.

Would suggest that maybe PiL cooked but MiL isn't in brilliant health and am sure she wouldn't want to do it. Also awkward about inviting DM to join us.

Aargh, sorry just venting really! AIBU?

Jibberjabberjooo Fri 04-Dec-15 13:06:54

Are you cooking on lunch on your own? Get everyone to help, what's your dh doing? Don't tell me this is another one of those threads where the dh does nothing whilst the dw runs around hosting. Why can't you invite your DM over?

peppansalt Fri 04-Dec-15 13:09:37

Well DH doesn't cook and thought of having DM and MiL in my kitchen at same time brings me out in hives!

DM could come here but just thought having lunch at hers would be a nice change.

CoraPirbright Fri 04-Dec-15 13:10:13

The brothers need to pull their bloody fingers out and do their fair share. Why should it all fall to you?? Your own mother is getting short changed & your dh seems perfectly happy to allow it.

KakiFruit Fri 04-Dec-15 13:10:34

YANBU. Your husband's parents should alternate in the way that your mother does. It means you and your husband never get a Christmas just for yourselves but at least the atmosphere won't be strained every year!

Sparkletastic Fri 04-Dec-15 13:10:59

Tell DH to get over it. It's your mum's turn to host and he has 2 siblings perfectly capable of looking after their parents. Enough is ebloodynuff.

RaspberryOverload Fri 04-Dec-15 13:11:29

I reckon your DH needs to tell his brothers that one of them is taking PILs this year.

If you end up having to cater for them, then your DH needs to step up and help out significantly.

K1mberl1 Fri 04-Dec-15 13:12:18

What do you mean, he " doesn't cook " . It's not like it's an obscure hobby .

Does he eat ? How can he do this without cooking - does he live on raw food ?

TheSecondViola Fri 04-Dec-15 13:13:37

If he wants to host his parents, let him cook for them. What are you, his slave?

yorkshapudding Fri 04-Dec-15 13:14:47

Since you've hosted his Parents for several years on the trot, your DH should be willing to compromise. It's not at all unreasonable for you to want to go to your parents and have a year off cooking/hostess duties. DH also needs to consider the feelings of your parents, not just his own and presumably, since they don't like your in laws they would appreciate a year off from the usual arrangement too. DH needs to email his brothers telling them you will be gong to your family for Christmas so one of them needs to step up and offer to host or visit PIL for once. Why should it always fall to you?

RatherBeRiding Fri 04-Dec-15 13:14:58

So is it your DM's "turn" to have Christmas with you - I see she alternates between you and your DB. I don't understand why your DH thinks it's OK for your DM to be on her own (you don't mention that she lives with your DF so I assume she lives alone) but not his DPs. Especially as they won't technically be alone, they will have each other.

Seems especially unfair when your BiLs get to do exactly what they want at Christmas.

How about your get to spend Christmas Day with your DM and PiLs come round Boxing Day?

Think you need to calmly point out the unfairness to DP and ask him what he suggests to resolve the issue of your DM being alone at Christmas.

peppansalt Fri 04-Dec-15 13:16:23

He doesn't enjoy cooking (not everyone does!) and whilst I might eat one of his omelettes, letting him deal with a full on Xmas lunch is a step too far.
At best we end up eating at midnight, at worst we'll be in A&E with food poisoning shock

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed Fri 04-Dec-15 13:19:41


If DH is so instant on his DPs coming to yours for Christmas - he can cook.

Get in plenty of wine and something nice in the freezer, so when it goes tits up they'll be something for you to eat later on.

Stand firm. Every spud, sprout and parsnip is his to prep and cook.

See how long it takes DH to realise how much work this entails and watch the back peddling.

peppansalt Fri 04-Dec-15 13:20:47

WIBU for me to email BiLs and ask them to sort something out between them? Am quite sure DH would just stick head in sand - he thinks IABU and thinks we should all be together having a lovely jolly time confused

badg3r Fri 04-Dec-15 13:21:28

Grr if that was me I'd be telling dh that PILs are welcome at yours but you'll be at your mum's so he'd better get practicing in the kitchen... (i realise this is not very helpful... )

peppansalt Fri 04-Dec-15 13:24:05

Excellent plan Badg!

MrsWembley Fri 04-Dec-15 13:25:48

How friendly are you with the BiLs? Would it be easier to approach their wives? I know with mine I could talk to either, but if a request from you would seem awkward, it might make the situation worse...

mrsb26 Fri 04-Dec-15 13:27:43

One of the problems with you sticking to an arrangement for several years means that people come to expect it. Heaven forbid you make a suggestion about alternative plans!

I understand what you are saying about dh. He sounds like mine...can fry an egg but the idea of a roast dinner isn't something to even comprehend!

Could you perhaps do it this year but make it clear that next year you will be doing something else? Eg "we've enjoyed doing this <coughlies> but next year we thought we'd..." That way, they know it's coming!

AkkerDemik Fri 04-Dec-15 13:29:18

WIBU for me to email BiLs and ask them to sort something out between them? Am quite sure DH would just stick head in sand - he thinks IABU and thinks we should all be together having a lovely jolly time

It wouldn't be unreasonable but it wouldn't be right either. This is DH's issue first and foremost, and he's the one who has to take his head out of the sand and do something.

And it's not a 'lovely jolly time' for you and DM, is it?

OnlyLovers Fri 04-Dec-15 13:33:04

*Stand firm. Every spud, sprout and parsnip is his to prep and cook.
See how long it takes DH to realise how much work this entails and watch the back peddling.*

This. And tell him he's responsible for telling his mother not to be fucking rude about the food, and managing the 'atmosphere'.

I'm so sick of reading on here about men expecting things/issuing orders about Christmas and women getting into a tizz about how to do it instead of just saying 'You do it, then.'

Ten to one if he realises that Christmas at your house will be his responsibility, he'll be suddenly a lot less keen to stick his head in the sand about his brothers and will get one of them to host the family instead.

nortonhouse Fri 04-Dec-15 13:33:31

I think there is a reason neither of your BILs want to spend Christmas Day with your PILs. grin YANBU.

Jibberjabberjooo Fri 04-Dec-15 13:34:18

Well he will be having a lovely jolly time because he won't actually have to do any of the work!

Go to your DMs. Point out to your DH that it's your Christmas too.

TheLesserSpottedBee Fri 04-Dec-15 13:40:17

I think, go to your Mum's house. It is a break for you from cooking Christmas dinner and nice for you to just spend Christmas with your Mum without the PIL too.

As your PIL are no doubt adults they can sort themselves out.

To put a dampener on all of this, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2009, so our last Christmas with her she was bloated from the steroids and mid way through chemo so it was not the best Christmas.

And in December 2013 my lovely MIL was diagnosed with cancer. She was about to start chemo on 27th December so couldn't be exposed to us or the children in case of cold/infection so we saw her through her lounge window so she could see the children but not hug them. sad

Neither my Mum or my Mother in Law made it to see the next Christmas.

How pissed off would you be if you stuck with the same PIL Christmas and God forbid something happened to your Mum that meant you didn't get another Christmas with her?

My MIL died 7 months after diagnosis, my own Mum a mere 10 weeks. Fuck it all and please be with your Mum.

BlueMoonRising Fri 04-Dec-15 13:43:00

Yeah, I'm with badg.

Just go to your DM's. Make it clear to your DH that's where you're going, that he is welcome to come but equally he is welcome to host his DP's at your house.

NewLife4Me Fri 04-Dec-15 13:43:29

Bloody hell, sorry but your dh is a useless person to put it politely.
Why are you allowing him to behave like this, tell him to sort his brothers out and point blank refuse to cook for ils.
There's no way I'd do it, as couldn't stand people being in my house and having to cook for them on xmas day, especially if my dh was useless.

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