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AIBU?

AIBU for not letting him stay?

31 replies

Augustbaby22 · 03/12/2015 22:10

Hello mumsnetters this is my first post, apologies if I ramble on a bit.

Bit of backstory-
I was with a guy for a month nothing serious but fell pregnant by accident we decided not to be together and he was very nasty to me, shouted at me saying I had fallen pregnant on purpose, demanded I get an abortion, would ignore me for weeks,he pretty much acted like a stroppy child.

I made sure I kept him updated with the pregnancy and said from day one he could be as involved as much as he liked, then told me he didn't want to be involved. I told him if that was his decision he should be 100% sure but then turned round and said he did want to be involved but wanted a DNA test (no doubt she is his) he also didn't contact me at all the day my dd was born even after I had sent messages and pictures.

So basically we don't have the best relationship but I've always maintained contact as I know it's the right thing for my dd.

Thank you for reading this far!

So getting to the point for his first time meeting our dd when she was 5 weeks old I Let him stay at mine in (what will be) dd's room as she was in with me and he told me he had no money, to be honest I felt a bit bad as it was his first time meeting her and he lives 4 hours away and doesn't drive.

He has now asked if he can come down again, dd who is now 13 weeks and is going into her own room soon and my house is small I don't really have the room unless I moved round the whole living room, he does have a job now (though not paying any maintenance) and I'm not sure what to do.

I keep going between feeling bad as I live quite a distance from him to thinking surely other people don't let there ex's stay overnight.

So my question is would you let your ex stay at your house or would you ask him to find somewhere else to stay?

(Sorry its so long)

OP posts:

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DoreenLethal · 03/12/2015 22:17

No - if he has a job he can firstly pay maintenance and then get an AirBNB or a room at a Travelodge.

TheObserverOne · 03/12/2015 22:21

I think I would probably let him stay, as I would be grateful that he wanted to be part of my child's life and would therefore happily facilitate it whilst she is so young. I'm not sure for how long I would be happy to do that though.
Was there always a 4hr distance between you? Or did one of you move away?

MiniCooperLover · 03/12/2015 22:21

If you genuinely want them to have a relationship and he has no money, surely the baby can sleep in with you still?

Augustbaby22 · 03/12/2015 22:29

Thanks for the replies, no not always that distance we met when We both lived in my old home town and he went abroad for a bit then moved up to his parents and I moved an hour away to be close to my parents.

She will probably stay with me until after Christmas but I think she will outgrow her Moses basket soon and he has money now as he found a job

OP posts:

OddSocksHighHeels · 03/12/2015 23:01

No I wouldn't let him stay. I wouldn't feel comfortable in my own home with him there and so I wouldn't allow it. He can pay for cheap accommodation eg a night in a hostel.

blueribbons · 03/12/2015 23:38

No, I wouldn't let him stay either - it's your home, where you should feel comfortable and where the happiness and peace of you and your daughter comes first. He has asked you if he can come to see his daughter, which is good, but it firmly places the responsibility on him to find a place to stay. If he intends to see your daughter regularly, he surely can't expect to stay at yours every time, so he might as well sort out what's he's going to do now.

FattyNinjaOwl · 03/12/2015 23:42

No I wouldn't.
He can pay to stay somewhere else.

timelytess · 03/12/2015 23:53

Don't let him stay.
You're much safer from his bad behaviour and even from whatever is charming about him if he isn't under your roof.
Keep some distance between you.

ohtheholidays · 04/12/2015 00:14

No, I wouldn't and I was married to my two oldest DS Dad.

He was horrible to you,didn't want contact and then he did,ignored that his own baby had been born,works and gives you no money.You owe this man nothing!

I think you not being with him was the best decision you could have made and I'd be contacting the CSA your little one needs to grow up knowing what a strong Mummy they have and they need to know what's the right way to behave as an adult,like they're Mum behaves and not the wrong way like they're Dad is behaving.

coconutpie · 04/12/2015 00:17

Hell no, there is no way I would allow him stay.

toffeeboffin · 04/12/2015 00:26

No.

He can figure something else out, believe me. And he needs to pay you CSA now he has a job.

megatron14 · 04/12/2015 01:00

I'm not sure I'd even allow him to see my child after demanding an abortion and DNA tests, but that's just me. He works, he needs to pay CSA and sort out his own accommodation.

suzannecaravaggio · 04/12/2015 01:01

he sounds like bad news
I think you should protect yourself and your daughter from him

Ginkypig · 04/12/2015 01:28

Letting him stay regularly sets a precedent in my opinion. Each stay will normalise it and he'll expect it.

If it was me in the situation I would let him stay this time (if visit is short notice from now as in less than a week) but have a conversation that from then on he is welcome to see child but he can't stay.

On the other hand he has been horrible to you and is not paying maintenance so you have every right to not want him in your home

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 04/12/2015 02:12

Another 'no' vote. You don't want to create a situation where he 'expects' to stay at yours whenever he comes to see DD. He needs to sort his own accommodation out now.

You need him to pay maintenance. It's the right thing for him to do. He needs to man up to his responsibility as well as the 'fun' part of seeing his DD.

CatMilkMan · 04/12/2015 02:54

If I was your son I would want you to let him stay.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 04/12/2015 03:23

CatMilk If you were her son, you'd be wondering why your father treated your mother like shit and wasn't paying maintenance to help support you.

BoxofSnails · 04/12/2015 03:44

Firstly she has a girl, and secondly athe 3 months old she has needs, not wants. She needs to be cared for and she is being. And though she has a right to build a relationship with her father, mum needs to make her available for that, not necessarily it him up.

You have no physical space and I don't think you want him in your head space really either. He can find somewhere else.

Fratelli · 04/12/2015 08:42

Nope. He's got a job so he can pay for a travelodge or whatever. I'd also get on to the cms about maintenence tbh. I really really don't agree with people saying you should be "grateful" for him wanting contact. They wouldn't say he should be grateful for you raising the baby. The way he has treated you is disgusting. Give yourself the same advice you would give your dd. for you op.

Augustbaby22 · 04/12/2015 08:52

Thanks ladies your right I don't want him to just expect to stay at mine every time he comes down.

The last time he came down he stayed for 2 nights ate all my food, would only hold dd when offered and kept going on about how skint he was and his plans to work aboard.

I did have a go a few times when I was pregnant so now dd is here he tends to be overly nice but that's when he actually bothers to contact me.

I messaged him last night and said he can stay for a night this month but after Christmas I'm putting dd in her own room and he'll have to find somewhere else to stay as I don't have the room, haven't heard anything back so far

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bimandbam · 04/12/2015 09:00

All you have to do is make her available for contact when he requests it subject to it being a reasonable request.

That's it.

You don't have to encourage this relationship. Because she is so young and he has had so little to do with her obviously for now thiw contact should take place with you present.

However you need to start thinking about the future. He might just disappear. He doesn't sound bonded with her and it would be easier given the distance for him to do this. He might start wanting more contact. He might want to start taking her home with him for overnight visits.

Think very carefully about what you want to happen. An absent father isn't the worse thing that can happen.

I know it's difficult not to take it personally. She is your baby and you love her to the moon and back and it's difficult to understand why he doesn't. But only do what you have to do. No more no less.

NahItsOkTa · 04/12/2015 09:08

Not a frigging cat in hell's chance would I let him anywhere near me or my dd. You know he's awful. You need to be thinking about how to protect yourself and your dd against him, not how best to accommodate his needs and wishes.

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Augustbaby22 · 04/12/2015 09:29

I did at the beginning just drop the horrible things he said as I thought he was just angry and scared as it wasn't planned but the turning point was when he said he thought I had fell prefab on purpose, we were in a busy coffee shop and he was shouting at me saying he'd never believe it was an accident and that I should of asked him to use protection as well and asking if I had used a condom with my previous partner, it was horrible I could see people looking at me in shock and I didn't stay long I walked out and called him an arsehole. He then messaged me later saying I shouldn't of walked out and we had to talk about it. My reply was just there's a time and a place and I don't appreciate and a busy coffee shop is not the place but I got a stroppy 'yea sorry about that after'...

I have decided to give it a few years and see what happens he said he's planning on working aboard for a year or two so if he's not in her life it might be easier to keep it that way before she's old enough so realise I always kept in contact because I wanted to do the right thing by my dd but to be honest she's not short of male figures in her life, my dad adores her and has basically been her dad from day one and there's other people in the my town who ask more about her than he does.

He still hasn't replied to my message even though hes seen it so I'll be interested what he'll have to say

OP posts:

Augustbaby22 · 04/12/2015 09:30

Prefab?! I mean pregnant

OP posts:

TheWrathofNaan · 04/12/2015 09:39

I think you should start as you mean to go along.

Set some boundaries from the start. He is your child's father but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.

Set contact times, create a paper trail, contact cms.

If you meet a new partner you won't want him staying with you?!

He ate your food, stayed with you and gave you no money? What a pig!

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