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Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

(268 Posts)
Gretasmyname Wed 02-Dec-15 18:48:12

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

VagueIdeas Wed 02-Dec-15 18:53:04

Well obviously you'll have to concede, or risk ruining your relationship. You wanted four, DH would've preferred two, so three is your compromise.

Nightstalker Wed 02-Dec-15 18:53:43

Yea u a child should never be brought into the world if one parent doesn't want it (within reason eg no forced abortions etc)

Euphemia Wed 02-Dec-15 18:54:30

He's perfectly entitled to change his mind. You already have three children - a lot to be thankful for.

"Someone will be a loser" - surely it's not a competition? That's very strong language.

Your DH has told you how he feels. In my opinion, if one partner doesn't want a baby, that couple doesn't have a baby.

You say you won't get over this. Does that mean it's a deal-breaker?

Whatdoidohelp Wed 02-Dec-15 18:58:33

3 is a compromise for both of you.

Is he correct in that you are super busy, is it really a good idea to have another. Wanting 4 and actually being able to manage and afford and cope with 4 are very different things.

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 02-Dec-15 18:58:52

Well people are allowed to change their mind and unless both parents want another baby you remain at an impasse.

Do you want dc4 more than you want what you already have? Because dh doesnt and forcing it may well drive him away.

IwishIwasinNewYork Wed 02-Dec-15 18:59:34

He is entitled to change his mind.

Until you've had a child (or three in your case) you don't know how you will feel about having more. You don't know how stressed or finanically stressed you might be. Or simply feel content with your lot.

Sorry you are disappointed but I cannot see how it can be a deal breaker in an otherwise happy marriage?

You have three children, that's a lot to be thankful for.

pullofthemoon Wed 02-Dec-15 18:59:39

I agree there is a fair compromise.

I personally agree with your DH.

TattyDevine Wed 02-Dec-15 18:59:55

Big sympathies because he kind of dangled the carrot a bit. If you park it for 6 months and bring it up again what do you reckon he'd say?

I start musing about scenarios where having one last baby is the most important thing above a marriage even, and what the husband would do if you said, fine, I'll go to a sperm bank and if you want to divorce me so be it but this is the most important thing in the world to me. Would he go? Would he provide the sperm?

And if you did that would he divorce you? Would he cave in? Would you actually go to a sperm bank?

I know its a daft scenario really and not generally how it pans out but it can help put certain things into perspective.

Gretasmyname Wed 02-Dec-15 19:02:27

We are super busy. Me especially. I like being busy and love being a mum. Think dh wants a quiet life which hes never going to get anyway!
How the hell do you come to terms with something that will affect me so badly.
It will be a deal breaker in the sense that I cant be okay with him. Its such an important thing to me.
I dont feel it would make thqt much difference. Yes the baby stage but thats such a short period.
One of our dcs is older as well. So independent.

Gretasmyname Wed 02-Dec-15 19:05:31

tatty
In that situation he would agree.
In fact, he would agree now if I brought it up again. Im sure. He said what he did in anger but he half meant it.
I feel upset as ive half trying with his consent and therefore git the idea in my head.
He could have said point blank no and used a condom.

Youareyou Wed 02-Dec-15 19:08:11

Well I have 4 and IMO it IS a lot harder than 3. Also I think if you have an older one that can be harder. Juggling the pressures of both ages.
I'm with your DH I'm afraid. Fwiw my DH would love more. He'd happily have another couple but totally respects that it's never going to happen.

BlueJug Wed 02-Dec-15 19:09:36

I think enjoy what you have. You can give more to the DC you have and there will be more money and time to go round.

Don't force him

shutupandshop Wed 02-Dec-15 19:10:10

sounds like your dh has compromised by having a 3rd, a 4 th maybe a step too far. I get you, I wanted 4 abd have 4. I would have pined forever a while if I didn't have dc4. Luckily dh would of had 6 or 7. shock

shutupandshop Wed 02-Dec-15 19:11:27

Also, I have found 4 ALOT harder than 3 but my heakth isn't great now. And they are sooo expensive!

DeoGratias Wed 02-Dec-15 19:11:59

Our 4th was twins and I was so pleased. My chidlren's father would have been happy with 3.

If he's been having sex without a condom then he's obviously prepared to risk a 4th so just get on with it.

Gretasmyname Wed 02-Dec-15 19:12:15

Im used to a big age gap as theres one with dc1and dc2. So used to juggling different activities etc.
I have always wanted a big family and dont believe that you ever regret a child but most certainly can regret NOT having another.

shutupandshop Wed 02-Dec-15 19:12:19

youareyou Are you me? you shock

pullofthemoon Wed 02-Dec-15 19:13:19

There's a lot of 'I' in that post and it's 'we' not I - not just your husband, but that of your existing children.

shutupandshop Wed 02-Dec-15 19:13:37

How old are your dcs?

Topseyt Wed 02-Dec-15 19:15:16

He gave you the impression before that he would go along with your wishes, although he did hint that he thought you were extremely busy and should stick at three.

Does that not perhaps suggest that he really wanted to stick at three but preferred to avoid an argument for as long as possible. It certainly sounds as though he is very reluctant on the idea of another child, and he is allowed to be.

You need to sit down and have a calm discussion about it. If he really doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of four children then three is very likely the best compromise for both of you.

I might possibly have gone for a fourth, but DH really didn't want to and we were both happy that we had three healthy DDs. He went for the snip, and looking back now I am glad he did. It wouldn't have been the right thing for us.

CocktailQueen Wed 02-Dec-15 19:15:33

I'm the type of woman that really dwells on stuff and I wont get over this.

It's not fair on any party to have a child if they don't want to. Three children is a lot. Your h wanted 2, you wanted 4 - there's your compromise. If you marriage is happy, then surely it would be better to accept this and move on rather than make it a deal-breaker?

And I DO think you can regret having a child - for many reasons.

Sorry - I think YABU here.

pictish Wed 02-Dec-15 19:17:57

I think 3 is a good compromise too. One more than he had in mind, one less than you did.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Wed 02-Dec-15 19:18:12

I'm on my knees with three! My husband had a vasectomy when our youngest was 4 months old coz we were that sure that three was the absolute limit!

But everyone's different of course. You want four; your husband wants to stop at three. Is it worth losing a good marriage over? Surely not. You have three children, enjoy them. You'll have grandchildren before you know it.

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 19:18:30

Deo that's not a very responsible mindset, is it? hmm

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