Backstory- I'm 24 years old and completed my degree in June. I didn't feel ready for the whole grad-scheme, commute into London type career and desperately didn't want to move back home so I took a live-in position in a hotel in a very very remote area in Scotland. I don't own a car and the busses stopped running in November. In the village there is just the hotel I work at, a pub and 2 cafes. The nearest town is about 8 miles away and now without the bus I'm basically stranded on my days off!
Anyway, I work with a girl who very very quickly became the best friend I ever had. We had this immediate emotional connection which is rare for both of us. She says she's never even really had girlfriends, let alone someone she feels this close to. I have a lot of friends but very very few "close" friends and the connection we have is something I've never quite felt with a friend before- we joke around that we are "soulmates"!
Anyway, she has been working here since August 2014 and does not have a car either. She has been dating the hotel deputy manager since November 2014. He's a friend of mine and a really fun guy to hang out with, but I really hate the way he treats her. He talks to her with such disrespect and in front of our colleagues (she blames this on being Hungarian..says its just how "Hungarian men are.") They get 2 days off a week together and all he will do is drive her to the supermarket. He never ever takes her out- for dinner, to the cinema, for the odd night away at a hotel. There's so many amazing places around her that he could take her (she's not from the UK either) but she hasn't seen any of them. It's a trip to Sainsburys and that's it. She has also admitted to me that he really doesn't know her properly. His gifts are the stereotypical flowers, chocolates, teddys. She says he doesn't know her well enough to actually get her something meaningful.
But now they have gone and bought a flat together and have a mortgage and will be moving in in February. To me, it's madness. The way they live just isn't "normal". It's hard to explain but being this remote and this far away from civilisation, to me, isn't exactly "reality." She has no social life outside of work and even work only has me and one other girl that she spends time with. They've never even gone away for a couple of days together and he is completely married to the job. She tells me all the time about her life before and how she was so full of life, always socialising, wanting to travel, and to me it feels like he's completely suppressing her. I'm not saying he is abusive but does anyone else think it's odd that by having a car he is sort of the one in control and he just refuses to take her places? If I was in love with someone I'd WANT to take them to places and make them feel special.
Ever since they announced that they've bought a flat I've tried to be happy for them but she has noticed that I obviously have issues about it but I really don't know whether or not to tell her. She wants me to but I can't see what good it will do as it will just sound like I am attacking him. I just really want whats best for her and every time she tells me about what she was like before she moved to the UK it sounds like she is talking about a different person. She admits she's a hopeless romantic and hasn't not had a boyfriend since she was 15 and my friend and I agree that it's like she came here, met him (the only eligible guy!), fell for him and his sense of humour and just sort of stuck with it, despite their whole living situation being completely out of the ordinary. At least just rent somewhere for a few months to see if it works before making such a big commitment!
Anyway can I get some advice, should I voice my concerns? As I said I really can't see it doing any good and it's not like I don't WANT her to be with him I just feel like she is under his thumb a bit and she told me she has always been the one to "wear the trousers" but with him she's like a defenseless puppy! Every time he talks down to her I can feel my blood boil. Maybe it's just true love and she makes these sacrifices for him? There's just quite a lot of tension between us now which I hate but I can't pretend to be happy for her when I think like this.
Sorry for the long post and I am fully expecting most people to tell me to back off but I am really struggling with this one!
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to be concerned about my best friend or am I interfering?
16 replies
bkay19 · 02/12/2015 18:32
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