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To have just stormed out of a meeting with DSs Headmaster?

(160 Posts)
WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww Wed 02-Dec-15 16:51:42

Feel quite mortified now but I was so angry.

Very uncomfortable meeting with Head of DSs secondary school that I requested as DS (Yr 9) is exhibiting behavioural problems which lead to him being put in isolation continually.

Head tried to make out that he had requested a meeting with me anyway as they wanted to raise concerns they had about him and that his secretary had called me about this which I have no knowledge of.

DS has SEN as low IQ (70) and paediatrician has diagnosed memory issues/possible ADD/PDA. School are not accepting this and taking the behavioural stuff as due to him being just being badly behaved. Behaviour is talking in class/lack of focus/disorganised. They also accuse him of creating social disruption, e.g today apparently he told a black lad that another boy had called him a 'black Ebola' when the boy didn't, DS made it up. School have said that this will be logged as a racist incident. DS said that a lad had pushed in when they were lining up PE, DS told him to get to the back so the boy spat in his face, DS said 'now i've got your disease' so the boy said 'yeah, you got Ebola' then DS said to another boy 'X said you have Ebola'. DS maintains he did not say 'black Ebola'. Silly incident and there are numerous comparable ones that DS gets involved with.

I had to take DS (5) with me as meeting was after school and I had no one to look after him. Secretary got DS to sit outside with some pens (nice of her) but he occasionally walked into the room. Head made a face and said he did not fell it was appropriate for me to have brought him to the meeting (DS would not have understood what was being said). At that point I walked out saying that I was wasting my time.

Prior to this he has asked me about what punishments we use at home - DS is a nightmare at home and I told him so but I felt he was questioning my parenting from his tone as he seemed to think that we thought it was 'OK' for him to misbehave at school.

He asked if DS had been taken to the GP ignoring the fact that he was referred to the Child Development Centre by the GP 4 years ago and school have copies of all the reports from then.

He questioned why DS does not have a statement if he has learning difficulties. DS does not as when I applied for one last year, it was refused due to the school not reviewing his IEP or getting an Educational Psychologist in to see him. I asked the school a month ago to reapply themselves and they said no as they had drawn up a new plan for him and wanted to wait for a few months.

I am beyond furious. Head is insisting that DS having a low IQ is not an excuse for him not 'conforming' to the behaviour standards of the school. This is despite the paediatrician clearly stating that he has social and emotional issues due to this. They are twisting all this around onto me as a parent. I have supported them with the constant detentions and him being on report but I will not support them continuously isolating him.


Branleuse Wed 02-Dec-15 16:55:54

Well they cant have kids making racist comments to each other. Do you have any idea where he is getting that from.

Do you feel that they can even cater for and meet your childs needs?

Mistigri Wed 02-Dec-15 16:57:09

Not unreasonable at all, although I'm not sure where you go next :-/ Have you posted on the special needs board?

I am utterly astonished that a child with significant intellectual impairment has got to Y9 without any formal support being put in place.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal Wed 02-Dec-15 17:00:32


Firstly, why the hell was your 5 year old just "wandering" into the room??? If you requested the meeting, then why did you organise it for a time when you didn't have childcare?

Secondly, I get that if your DS has behavioural problems then that is really tough. But if he is genuinely that disruptive to the other students, then surely he should be in a school specifically for children with behavioural problems? Where the teachers can actually cater for those needs?

I get that it's shit for you, but your child isn't the only person in that school. The head has to think about his other students as well. You say your son behaves really badly at home, so it's not like it would be out of character for him to be behaving the same at school (what I mean is, it is likely that his behaviour IS disruptive, rather than the head just making it up/exaggerating).

Even with the behavioural problems, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask about discipline at home when he behaves badly. Surely you do something. It would have been more helpful to have actually engaged constructively, rather than simply take personal umbrage and storm out.

Alfieisnoisy Wed 02-Dec-15 17:01:12

Hell, this sounds dreadful.

Firstly I would tackle the Statement/EHCP as if your son doesn't have one and you feel he needs it then don't take no for an answer. Contact the local Parent Partnership service and ask for support as Local Authorities are very budget driven and it seems you have to keep on and on fighting.

Secondly if the school cannot see that your son's learning difficulties are causing his behaviour in school then they have no insight into SEN.

You might do well asking for this to be moved to the SEN topic as you will get great advice there.

I am currently supporting a friend whose son is diagnosed autistic and who had a social services referral due to her son's meltdowns in school! All wrong and batters your self esteem as a parent.

How has your son coped prior to Y9?

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww Wed 02-Dec-15 17:01:49

FFS Branleuse. He was not being racist. Because the the boy was black, they are saying he said 'black ebola' when he did not.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:01:50

He definitely needs an EHCP, I would have a meeting with the Ht and the SENCO to get one started ASAP, and to review his IEP. Tge school are failing him, as a result he is becoming stressed and behaviour a cause for concern.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Wed 02-Dec-15 17:02:22

Bran I think OP explained that adequately.

I'm sorry I have no advice, but it sounds awful. I really don't understand how they can literally ignore advice from a doctor and do their own thing.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:02:51

I am not excusing his behaviour, but the school are failing him.

BarbarianMum Wed 02-Dec-15 17:03:19

<<I am utterly astonished that a child with significant intellectual impairment has got to Y9 without any formal support being put in place.>>

this. I suggest you contact IPSEA for advice. I also recommend that you put every request to the school regarding your ds and the need for additional support in writing. In fact put everything in writing. They don't want to support him, your job is to either ensure they do or prove they can't/won't. A paper trail will be necessary in either case.

A good starting point would be asking to see an updated IEP and asking what is being done to support ds in achieving the goals set for him under this.

Alfieisnoisy Wed 02-Dec-15 17:03:22

goodness, I understand what you are saying but without a Statemwnt/EHCP no special school will take the OP's son.

It's all wrong as it sounds like the school cannot meet his needs but budgets are such that local authorities seems to refuse outright all requests for EHCPs and it takes a fight to get one.

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww Wed 02-Dec-15 17:05:31

goodnessgracious go boil your head angry. Knowing the Head is very busy, I accepted the time that he was available. I don't think it that unusual to take a younger child to a SCHOOL meeting outside of school hours.

I would to get him out of mainstream school. Perhaps you can tell me how to.

PhilPhilConnors Wed 02-Dec-15 17:05:48

Can you follow the meeting up with a carefully worded email suggesting that he follows through with his suggestion of a statement (EHCP) and could he let you know when the ed psych will be in to observe.
I would also offer to resend documents from the paediatrician.
Is there another school who may handle things better and put support in place for him?

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww Wed 02-Dec-15 17:06:48

* I would LOVE to get him out of mainstream school*

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:07:32

Before op can request a specialist school, he needs an EHCP ASAP, it's not so simple to just move to SS. He needs an EHCP, then tge school needs to request a review meeting if they cannot meet his needs, in there, will be a representative from the LEA, Ed psych, Ht, SALT if he has one. If it us decided he needs a SS in the meeting, op will state which ones. It then gets referred to a special schools panel, who ipwill either pass or reject the application. Not so easy.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:10:55

Or if tge school cannot meet his needs now, they contact the LEA, they need to do a managed move into somewhere like a PRU (pupil referral unit). They are excellent, and will get professionals involved to assess him and help get the EHCP started.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:12:10

I am shocked that he has been failed by the education system, ge shoukd gave had an EHCP from the beginning.

ItchyArmpits Wed 02-Dec-15 17:15:33

You cannot communicate your points to the school, or hope to form a good working relationship with the teachers there, if you do not stay in meetings with them.

RJnomore1 Wed 02-Dec-15 17:18:43

Op I have no advise but you are NOT bring unreasonable, you are however understandably angry right now and you need to seek a constructive way forward which may mean calming down and trying to engage with the ht again.

Nothing wrong with having your younger child with you btw and any teacher who cannot cope with that is a first class tit.

RJnomore1 Wed 02-Dec-15 17:19:08

Please excuse multiple typos blush

Alfieisnoisy Wed 02-Dec-15 17:21:11


Cntact IPSEA...they can be hard to get by phone but persevere.

Wrote a formal letter to the Local Authority and ask that your DS is assessed for an EHCP....refuse to take no for an answer.

All future meetings with the school need to be accompanied by someone from Parent Partnership to support you.

I had all this last year but forrunately my DS has a Statement and he is now in a special school.,..I even had to fight for that,

Don't lose hope, there's lots of help out there and perhaps start with the local Parent Partnership service.

They will also know of other services who can help you.

GoblinLittleOwl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:21:43

Do you have a good relationship with the Senco? Request a meeting to discuss your son's IEP, referral for a statement/EHCP and educational provision; what support is he receiving currently?
You must leave your five year old elsewhere and if at all possible, take someone with you; it will help to keep the meeting on an even keel and also give you moral support. Be clear what you want, but be prepared to listen as well. This will only get worse if you don't act.

MistressMerryWeather Wed 02-Dec-15 17:22:15

Jesus Christ, you are in no way being U. I'm seething for you.

HM sounds completely ignorant.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Dec-15 17:23:05

The school talked to you about his behaviour and what he was doing wrong, but nothing about how they are helping him, or what they are doing to get the right help and support for him.

merrymouse Wed 02-Dec-15 17:23:39

my sympathies re: the 5 year old. Completely understandable that you wouldn't have been able to organise childcare.

The school do sound very difficult. Do you have any of your requests for support from the school in writing?

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