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To ask my Mum not to smoke in her own house?

(43 Posts)
bluebellforest Wed 02-Dec-15 15:53:08

Dons flame proof suit and hat fgrin

My Mum has invited myself and my family round on boxing day, for a nice get together and buffet.
I had asked her if she and my sister's family wanted to come to mine for Christmas Day, but she said she would stay at home, so she could have my sister's family around.
The reason being, we have no stair gates and we wouldn't be able to relax, as my sisters children are in to everything, and will wreck the place ( my mums words) which is true, but I wouldn't have minded.
Christmas day is very busy for me, and I really enjoy a chilled out boxing day.
I would love to go round my Mum's. But she smokes. My sister smokes too, but goes outside.
It really annoys me, she smokes in front of my children, my sisters children and all over the bloody buffet.
I really can't stand the smoke, it really hurts my eyes and chest the next day.
So, wibu to ask her to smoke outside too?

TattyDevine Wed 02-Dec-15 15:54:58

Ooh its tricky isn't it. You can ask I suppose. She might get shirty. It's not an unreasonable request if it is delivered without expectation and in a decent manner.

RubberDicky Wed 02-Dec-15 15:56:03

I'd just politely decline her invitation, explain that you're worried about your children breathing in the smoke, reiterate the invitation to your house.

gamerchick Wed 02-Dec-15 15:57:00

Well you can try as I did but lost that particular battle.

Even if she agrees it's likely that after an hour or so she'll do it absent minded while you're there anyway.

Good luck though.

ElderlyKoreanLady Wed 02-Dec-15 16:02:37

I'm a smoker but I don't think your request is unreasonable. She may well say no, maybe even get shirty, but in that case I'd just decline the invite and explain why...that you don't agree with people smoking indoors around children.

spritefairy Wed 02-Dec-15 16:08:48

What about a compromise?

I don't smoke and never have done. I hate it. My family know this. When I am around they smoke in the kitchen or dining room. Not perfect but I can sit in the living room out of the way.

course I was then left out as they chain smoked and therefore spent hours in said smoking room

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Wed 02-Dec-15 16:09:53


Even if she doesn't smoke while you're there the house will still stink, your clothes will still stink after brushing up against stuff, you'll get nicotine on your fingers from touching plates/mugs/lightswitches/etc and there will be particles in the air.

It makes me ill too. Am totally sympathetic.

bluebellforest Wed 02-Dec-15 16:27:53

Thanks everyone.
I think I may have to decline. I do love spending time with everyone, but I don't really want to compromise while I'm there.
I want to spend time with my family.
When she is here, she has to smoke outside fsmile

squoosh Wed 02-Dec-15 16:27:56

Of course it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask! She's your Mother. I never understand tiptoeing around close family members. You can ask and she can yes, or she can say no.

squoosh Wed 02-Dec-15 16:29:24

But why decline without first finding out if she's open to the idea of smoking outside? You really want to go so it seems a bit silly to decline when your wishes may well be met if you just have a chat with her.

bluebellforest Mon 14-Dec-15 22:04:22

Just a quick update:
My Mum is not prepared to not smoke in front of us, so we are not going, which is a shame.

Oysterbabe Mon 14-Dec-15 22:12:59

That is a shame but you're doing the right thing. I wouldn't let my children be in a smoky room.

Candleabras Mon 14-Dec-15 22:15:49

I am quite shocked by your mums response, but I agree with you. Dh smoked outside until he managed to give up when dd was 3. Shame though.

selsigfach Mon 14-Dec-15 22:17:32

How very sad that she is putting smoking before her grandchildren. Even if she thought you were being precious, which you're not, you'd think she'd agree to do so in order to see you all at Christmas. Well done for declining to go.

Destinysdaughter Mon 14-Dec-15 22:22:54

Get her an e cig for Xmas?

Potatoface2 Mon 14-Dec-15 22:24:58

my husband smoked.....recently we became grandparents, my son is very anti smoking and doesnt want his child in our house i said to my husband 'we will never have the grandchildren here then'....well what do you know ..he stopped smoking!!! amazed ...its great !!!

PoppieD Mon 14-Dec-15 22:25:26

Please don't feel guilty- am not a smoker so had not expected the carbon monoxide test to affect me when i went to midwife but I scored a 6!! Really think she didn't believe me- but only when I advised had been on a home visit prior to my appt and the patient was a heavy smoker, despite not actually smoking while I was there, I've now learned about 'third hand smoking' where the toxic chemicals are still lingering in the air, so you have done the right thing.

nutellacrumpet Mon 14-Dec-15 22:30:34

YANBU. What kind of person really still smokes around children? It is disgusting and surely bordering on abuse?

bluebellforest Mon 14-Dec-15 22:51:38

Nutella: I do find it disgusting. She smokes when she has my sister's youngest on her lap. Sorry for the language, but it really pisses me off angry
She has bloody COPD as well.
I love my Mum, but she's so bloody selfish.
She's said that she has to do as she's told around mine, so I have to do the same at hers shock confused

wowfudge Mon 14-Dec-15 22:54:13

Well she may change her tune when she realises she doesn't get to see her grandchildren.

bluebellforest Mon 14-Dec-15 22:54:58

Poppie: that's shocking shock

Notimefortossers Mon 14-Dec-15 23:11:03

Get her a vaping starter kit for xmas smile I don't think you can ask her not to smoke in her own home, but you are perfectly within your rights to explain your reasons for not wanting to come and if she offers to not smoke indoors that day then that'd be nice

Oysterbabe Mon 14-Dec-15 23:17:07

I'm amazed your sister allows that.

Moomintroll85 Mon 14-Dec-15 23:27:45

Yanbu. Yes it's her house so she can 'do what she wants' but I would have thought that most people would take it outside when there are kids visiting, either of their own accord or with some gentle prodding.

My in laws all smoke like bloody chimneys but when we visit with our toddler they all smoke outside. We asked and they agreed.

PoppieD Mon 14-Dec-15 23:48:35

I know Bluebell- it's not something that had ever crossed my mind- have looked it up now and quite shocked at how dangerous it can still be!

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