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To not tell dhs family we are planning on moving to the next town till its all finalised.

(18 Posts)
Memeto3boys Wed 02-Dec-15 13:04:01

There's a lot of back story to this one so sorry this is going to be long.

We want to move to the next town near my parents so I can get extra help with my 3 dc's as 2 of them are sn. Now doing so will mean we are even further away from Dh family. I know this will cause alothe of drama but regardless it needs to happen. I don't want to tell dhs family till we actually have a house moving date ect. But I am also wondering if it's cruel do so. Now as far as seeing Dh family we barely do we have seen his dsis 2 times in the last year. His dad once and all though she tells everyone else she sees us once a week we are lucky to see her once a month.

It might seem cruel I want to keep it quiet but I don't want the drama this might bring. His sos hates because when dc3 was 13 days old he was rushed in to hospital with bronchiolitis says at 79% and ended up in resuscitation on oxygen feeding tube ect. Now 3 days previous to this Dh had a vasectomy so was in pain. However I had to go with dc3 and leave him with others dc's. Dc3 was in hospital for 4 days. Mil and sil both kept telling me I should leave him there alone and come home to look after Dh. How could I do that. I was never going to leave my baby in hospital alone so sick. Apparently I am immature selfish and nasty for not doing what they said.
Mil doesn't like me as she thinks I have made it so her son won't be successful apparently we are never going to own are own home or have any assets as I can't work because my 2 eldest dc's are sn. She thinks we never have money because I spend it all on the kids she thinks dc3 should have all dc2 hand me downs and I shouldn't buy them clothes of their own. We got married in August now I am a super anxious person and I can't cope being in the lime light so we decided that we would get married and only have my parents his parents and dc's there. The plan was we all walked in together. About 2 minutes before we went in my mil informed me I had ruined my dad's day as he wasn't walking me down the aisle. Now my dad knew I couldn't do it and was fully understanding and supportive of how we had planned our wedding.
My Dh dad doesn't visit if we visit there he leaves the room. I know he doesn't like me he told Dh he's doesn't and that I am noty Dh type and we shouldn't be together.

There's a lot more than that going on but I would say they are the core issues. Would it be so bad not to tell them we are moving till last minute or is that nasty?

LidikaLikes Wed 02-Dec-15 13:08:23

You need to do what's best for your own sanity and that of your DH and your DC's health and happiness.

No words of advice about your in-laws, but trust your instincts and look after Number 1 first.

specialsubject Wed 02-Dec-15 13:22:58

struggling to follow this, but if in the UK, the next town won't be that far away. Non-issue, really.

redexpat Wed 02-Dec-15 13:27:06

You do what is best for you and your DC.

Memeto3boys Wed 02-Dec-15 13:34:02

We are in UK. It's not distances that will cause issues it's moving closer to my family. Mil says we push her out but we invite her to everything and offer her opportunities to spend with dc's she always says no put is willing to just have dc2.

5Foot5 Wed 02-Dec-15 13:36:22

The only way YABU is by not moving further away from them!

rageagainsttheBIL Wed 02-Dec-15 13:43:53

It depends what you mean by finalised tbh - the day before you move would seem harsh, for example, but if it's still some time away I would wait maybe until you find a property you like?

NahItsOkTa Wed 02-Dec-15 13:46:57

They sound awful. Why do you give them the time of day, let alone worry about what they think? The people that matter are your DH, your DCs, and your supportive folks. Anyone who is deliberately making your life a misery deserves to be cut out of your life. Stop thinking about them, literally. Good luck love.

SiegeofEnnis Wed 02-Dec-15 13:52:24

I'd be moving to the Outer Hebrides, personally. Yanbu, of course. Good luck with it all.

Memeto3boys Wed 02-Dec-15 13:54:37

By finalised I ment once we saw a house and set a date not the day before.

I don't know why I give them the time of day as if it was anyone else I wouldn't. I think I just don't want to be the one who pushes the situation on Dh where he needs to choose so I stay quite. But he has of late been saying he would rather they stay away a prefers very little contact with them.

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 02-Dec-15 13:55:39

I too couldn't follow this but just based on the first bit, yadnbu! Seems like they don't add any value to your children's lives so why give them courtesy. They most likely will create stress rather than help. Tell them when there is no way they can mess it up for your family.

Akire Wed 02-Dec-15 13:59:01

I agree no point telling them you have a house wait 3m and it falls through and you have to start all over, the Agro would be to much.

If your partner could hint how much you like to be closer to your mum that would help but sounds like they are going to be annoyed whatever!

What's important is you get the best support you need to be the best parents. If that means an extra half hour in car for your mother in law do be it! It's privelidge be involved with grandchildren not a right.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Wed 02-Dec-15 14:10:38

YANBU . House sales fall through all the time. Don't set yourselves up for lots of unnecessary weeping and gnashing of teeth until it is fait accompli.

By the sounds of things you would be justified in not leaving a forwarding address but a change of address card would do it smile

OnlyLovers Wed 02-Dec-15 14:31:09

I wouldn't tell them at all. They sound like a bunch of cunts.

And your DH needs to stand up for you both and read them the riot act, IMO. How does he feel when they say you're not his type, you're immature and selfish etc?

PurpleGreenAvocado Wed 02-Dec-15 14:34:07

I wouldn't tell them yet either. They sound like they are quite unpleasant.
I'd be tempted to put their names down for the mission to Mars. The one way one....

Memeto3boys Wed 02-Dec-15 15:12:41

Thanks everyone. I am not going to tell them yet.

He says they don't know what they are talking about and that they need to take more time our and actually get to know me properly. He has confronted them to get told they do like me they don't understand what he's saying and that he's changed since he's been with me and they don't like the fact he speaks out now.

OnlyLovers Wed 02-Dec-15 15:21:38

he's changed since he's been with me and they don't like the fact he speaks out now.

That's telling, isn't it?

I feel for both of you, OP.

Mummyofonesofar Wed 02-Dec-15 15:52:38

We planned a move recently - not far. We didn't tell any of DP's family until we had viewed a house and set plans in motion with the estate agents as we don't all get along very well. No need for a row before you have even found somewhere to live! YANBU

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