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AIBU to think he is not even bothered

(20 Posts)
kazma15 Wed 02-Dec-15 12:58:11

Hi everyone, newbie here so please go easy on me smile.

AIBU to think the DP brother should get off his arse and get a job.

Background, DP younger brother (18) at college and is staying with us because we are the closest to the said college. YB gets dropped off in the mornings (college on my way to my work) and picked up in the evenings / gets bus home if he is finished early.

He has been at college since September and all I keep hearing is I'm looking for a weekend job etc etc when actually I found out today he has not put one CV in to anywhere around us for a weekend / evening job and is quite happy swanning around with the gf / mates at the weekend. Please note I think the world of this boy however I feel he is taking the mick now as I am doing all his washing, he is getting food bought for him to make lunches, a proper dinner made for him every night, free wifi, heating, electric (constantly on the phone / laptop to the GF even though he sees here everyday).

AIBU to think that he should be standing on his own two feet, for him to stop being picky about what hours he wants to working when he gets a job (he has plenty time after college and at weekends to do a job in a shop 7-3, 3-11 etc but he doesn't want to do them too much bother!) and to get off my sofa and get himself in some sort of order, I know it is a shock to the system starting college, making new friends etc and maybe I am being too harsh, but to be honest I get the impression he was spoilt and just expects to get everything handed to him without him having to work for anything (which is my philosophy, you want it you have to work for it).

Side note: this is nothing to do with money, no money has changed hands at all this is purely about the fact he doesn't seem one bit bothered and its starting to grate on me.

Sorry for the long post.

Caprinihahahaha Wed 02-Dec-15 13:01:10

Why are you doing his washing and cooking?
Is he doing his share of the housework?

SettlinginNicely Wed 02-Dec-15 13:02:22

Perhaps he should pay some token rent. It might change the way he sees himself.

KittyVonCatsworth Wed 02-Dec-15 13:05:14

Yanbu but without setting board and lodgings from the offset, the only way of approaching him with this will be along the lines of 'get off your arse you piss taking wee bastard'...even if you don't get any lodgings off him, the least he can do is do his own washing and buy his own food.

Oh, and the occasional takeaway and bottle of wine for your hospitality.

LastOneDancing Wed 02-Dec-15 13:11:30

If he's not working and paying a bit of token board, he needs to be doing his fair share of the jobs - washing, hoovering, shopping.

You're not unreasonable to expect some kind of contribution to the household. Does your DP agree with you?

YBR Wed 02-Dec-15 13:18:51

Perhaps the line to take is "now you've had a term at college and have settled, you need to be making a bigger contribution". Then discuss what chores he does, what rent to pay and what food he buys.

Then it doesn't look like you missed the opportunity from the outset, but he's had a grace period.

SettlinginNicely Wed 02-Dec-15 13:35:03

Very smooth YBR. I like it. smile

kazma15 Thu 03-Dec-15 10:06:07

There was an agreement in the beginning regarding rent, helping out with bills (not a lot of money but a contribution more so) but no money was changing hands unless he got a job ( I didn't think it was fair he was still expecting his parents to fork out for everything), his idea of helping with the housework is putting his dirty laundry in front of the washing machine because he doesn't know how to use it (I have showed him twice!)

Thanks everyone for your advice and I agree with SettlinginNicely, YBR that was super smooth and I will be using that first of all and if that doesn't work I will be going with KittyVonCatsworth suggestion smile.

thanks everyone smile

FinallyHere Thu 03-Dec-15 10:45:52

If ever there was a time to leave dirty laundry in front of the washing machine, this would be it.

But YY to the poster upthread who suggested a sensible chat along the lines of 'now that you have had a chance to settle in, ...' And make sure you agreed with DP and show a united front.

There again, I don't like the idea that 'if not paying rent, needs to do chores'. The need to do chores arises, unless you are living in a hotel or paying someone directly to service your living quarters. Sigh.

Lozza1990 Thu 03-Dec-15 10:47:16

Some parents don't ask their kids to help out around the house or get a job when they can etc. I don't necessarily think he's spoilt, it's just how he's been brought up. DP should probably have a chat with him since it's his brother, but no yanbu to ask him to get a Saturday job, it would do him some good.

Scarydinosaurs Thu 03-Dec-15 10:53:06

STOP doing his washing
STOP cooking for him.

Tell him he will have to move home unless he gets a job as that was the deal.

Leelu6 Thu 03-Dec-15 12:04:49

YANBU. This would deive me insane. I bet he would soon learn to wash his clothes, go shopping for lunch provisions, if you stopped doing it for him.

pinkdelight Thu 03-Dec-15 12:19:53

"I didn't think it was fair he was still expecting his parents to fork out for everything"

Bad call there, I'd say. If the parents were happy to pay, then they should. Lots of kids that age in full-time education are still financially supported by their kids. Yes it's great if they get jobs, but often that money is 'theirs', to save up or spend on themselves. Unless the parents are strapped, it's them who should be paying for his food and board, although I agree he should be pulling his weight with chores, doing his own laundry etc. If I were you I'd go back to the parents and say you've changed your mind and want a proper regular financial contribution. He's their kid not yours!

pinkdelight Thu 03-Dec-15 12:20:58

"by their kids" - by their parents I mean, sorry.

FellOffMyUnicorn Thu 03-Dec-15 12:55:04

"If ever there was a time to leave dirty laundry in front of the washing machine, this would be it." or put it back where he sleeps

Oldraver Thu 03-Dec-15 13:38:25

OI dont get this shit about Mummy's boys (and girls) who can't figure out how to use a washing machine.

If they can use a computer of phone then they can figure how to put a wash on

19lottie82 Thu 03-Dec-15 13:54:53

Have your / his parents not offered you anything?

Does he not get a loan / bursary as he is studying? Why can't he contribute from that? Have you actually ASKED him for digs money, rather than just dropping hints about him getting a job?

Duckdeamon Thu 03-Dec-15 14:00:09

Money certainly HAS changed hands: you and DP are spending YOUR money and resources on him. Free rent, food, lifts, broadband, utilities. And his parents are paying you nothing! That is unfair on you IMO.

Don't do any more washing ffs.

Jw35 Thu 03-Dec-15 14:12:34

I will support my dd as long as she's in full time education. For me I would only want rent money if she wasn't in college, then she would need a job.

Leelu6 Thu 03-Dec-15 14:14:53

Jw35 - but there is a difference between a dd and a dp's 18 yo db.

And dc should help around the house.

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