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to think DP is actually, seriously addicted to his playstation

(54 Posts)
tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 11:51:47

This sounds so ridiculous but I am legitimately worried. Its not just "I cant get him off it" its how he acts too. Once he starts he's on it for the whole day. I've recently managed to get him to stop playing in the evenings but every weekend is the exact same. He says he'll only go on for a little bit and then seven hours later he's still on it. He's snappy and grumpy if I ask him to do even the littlest thing. He gets impatient with DD and tries to tell her to "wait till he's done this bit" when she's crying for a nappy change (she's 4mo ffs).
I got him to agree to turn it off at midday the other weekend but he was on it till half 4.
I told him I wanted to talk about it last weekend and he paused the game, listened to me say all this, gave me half a nod, a huff like he was thinking about it, then went back on his game. And started talking about it to me like I hadn't said anything! Whenever I try to talk to him when he's playing I get nothing or "did you say something" five minutes later.
I know he loves me and DD but it just feels like his brain gets sucked into a game and nothing else matters (spyKids 3 anyone?)
I don't know what to do, he's perfectly reasonable about it when he's off the game, sort of like how an alcoholic is perfectly reasonable when sober...

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Tue 01-Dec-15 12:04:47

I've been addicted to The Sims. Seriously. I used to dream about it and in my dream I'd be walking the same way as a Sim. Weird.

I uninstalled the games and gave them away.

A few years later I went through the exact same thing again. It was while I was depressed and going through a low point.

I still miss it, but there's no way I'd buy it again.

mouldycheesefan Tue 01-Dec-15 12:07:45

Max 30 mins per day or you leave.

Or sell it or break it.

LuckyCornish13 Tue 01-Dec-15 12:07:32

Your DP sounds exactly like my ex. I remember DS aged about 5 months, in his bouncer chair screaming and crying whilst my ex sat right beside him hooked to his PS3. I was in the kitchen and called to DP if he could see to DS. I heard him making shushing noises and "what's the matter? Are you hungry?" Etc... DP shouted back to me "I've tried cuddling him but he won't settle"

Unfortunately I had crept down the hall watched him the whole time, he hadn't even looked at DS (who was crying cos his dummy was on the floor beside him) let alone cuddled him; he'd just carried on playing PS3 and made the shushing noises to pretend he'd tried!

I'm not sure what your AIBU but I know exactly how you feel!

PennyHasNoSurname Tue 01-Dec-15 12:16:37

If he cant cut back, then he will have to go cold turkey.

In all honesty I wouldnt ever want to have to "parent" my other half. It would make me lose all respect for them.

Id pack my bag (or his depending on whose the house is), and put it on one side of the room and the playstation on the other. His choice which one he wants more.

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 12:17:15

I guess I'm asking AIBU to think he has a problem? Or is he just being a knob? Or am I, as he says, BU to interrupt "the only time he gets to spend on it? Only I thought the weekend was the only time you get to spend the day with your family?
Lucky he holds DD on his lap and she can be screaming her head off and he just kind of jiggles her a bit as if that's supposed to do anything! I've taken to just staring at him till he does something but then i get a "what's that look for??" Like I'm accusing him of child abuse with my eyes...

whois Tue 01-Dec-15 12:17:53

Well it does sound like an actual addiction. Have you talked about it when he's not on the game? Maybe get an agreement that he'll play in the evening once the baby is in bed? That way he'll be a actively engaged during the day. Easier to not turn on than it is to turn off once you start!

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 12:19:17

Penny he's promised he won't play at all this week including weekend. I know he'll ask at one point but I'm going to say no. Problem is that after this week it'll go straight back to normal

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Tue 01-Dec-15 12:20:37

It is a problem - he will need to be weaned off it.
First, he needs to recognise he has a problem - nothing can happen until this point.

Spending 7 hours unable to interact with your family is not normal or desirable. People often make light of addition to non substances - such as gambling addiction but it is real - the brain is in a loop of stimulus/response/reward and this needs to be broken.

He may be able to deal with this on his own - otherwise try specialist counselling for non substance related addiction.

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 12:26:34

I've suggested counselling for other things (depression/anger issues) he just says he's tried it and it doesn't work...

LuckyCornish13 Tue 01-Dec-15 12:28:19

Lucky he holds DD on his lap and she can be screaming her head off and he just kind of jiggles her a bit as if that's supposed to do anything!

Does he do this and continue playing PlayStation?

FWIW my first reply was the beginning of the end for me and XP. A few months of promising to change, cut down and just generally not being bothered about DS (not just preferring to play PS3 there were many, many other examples) and I ended it because of his indifference.

I don't think you're BU at all. If you're going to have a serious chat with him it's gonna have to be when he's not playing PlayStation though otherwise he's not going to be really listening

M48294Y Tue 01-Dec-15 12:33:33

It completely sounds like an addiction! Humans can get addicted to more or less anything that gives them pleasure - addiction to games and gaming is a well recognised problem. The grumpiness and snappiness are absolute textbook reactions to being unable to feed your addiction temporarily. I feel for you, op.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Tue 01-Dec-15 12:35:29

It is a real problem. there are forums for gaming widows, because that's what they are.

research in the NL has shown it's not a physical addiction, but a mental one and it can be changed. But it has to come from him, of course. It's telling that you've suggested he have counselling for anger/depression because excessive, obsessive gaming turns out to be often an unhappiness thing; an escape. Not necessarily from you but from himself.

I think that giving him a choice to genuinely shape up - from his heart, not to please you - or leave is a good idea. But you have to mean it.

Perhaps some of the gaming widow forums can give other advice, maybe?

But your daughter needs a father, not a gaming ghost in her life. Being ignored by him in favour of that PS is going to be pretty damaging.

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 12:40:05

Lucky yup doesn't take his eyes off it until he finally feels my stare boring into him. Then he gets defensive.
When he's not on the playstation he's actually lovely to DD, plays with her, tries to get her to say "daddy" etc. He can be a bit impatient in general but its 100x worse when he's playing.
M4 that actually just made me laugh because its just hit home that this is an actual problem... When I split up with my ex because he played video games too much! I feel like holding my head in my hands what have i gotten myself into? (laughing because otherwise I may cry)

JCDenton Tue 01-Dec-15 12:44:32

7 hours straight is crazy, I love video games and I don't think I could manage 7 hours in a day, 7 hours a week is more usual for me and I consider myself a pretty avid fan.

AliceScarlett Tue 01-Dec-15 12:45:57

Maybe he is using it as a way to cope with his mood.

I don't think you can force him to play any less. You can't force him into therapy. He doesn't appear to be listening to you or changing his behaviour.

What you left with? (I'm thinking more acceptance rather than LTB).

JCDenton Tue 01-Dec-15 12:52:41

It's a question of whether he's just shirking or whether he knows it's bad and feels unable to stop. Everybody would rather continue doing something they enjoy than change a dirty nappy or clean the kitchen but most of us manage to find the pause button in that situation .

GreenPotato Tue 01-Dec-15 12:57:55

Acceptance of him not parenting his child when they are both there and should be sharing the childcare and other jobs equally???

The only way this is acceptable is if it's on his spare time only. Spare time = what you're left with when all work time, childcare, housework and admin have been done and they have been fairly shared out - so that means when you're both at home, it's all shared 50/50. In that spare time, which will be when DD is asleep (or you are taking turns looking after her - i.e. you OP would get equal breaks) he can do what he wants.

I'd sit down with a piece of paper and work all that out, and show him exactly how much spare time he has and when. It should be the same for both of you.

If he doesn't keep it to his spare time I'd kicking him out.

Even if he does, it's still debatable whether you'd want a partner who spends al their spare time gaming but at least things will be fair. Then you can make that decision separately.

It's no different from being out of his head on alcohol or drugs - what he's doing is making him not available to take his share of responsibilities. It's not on.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Tue 01-Dec-15 13:00:27

Totally agree that gaming can be very addictive. And it can influence behaviour in a very negative way. My 8 and 5 year ols love their iPods but can be total demons when I tell them time's up. They are grumpy, impatient and rude when the rest of the time they are happy, friendly and polite. We quickly established some ground rules - no iPods in the morning; three electronic devices-free days per week; time limits when they do have them.

If it was my husband behaving like this I'd be really peeved. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 13:04:05

He's told me before that I need to nag at him because he "gets engrossed" and then huffs and puffs when I do. Sometimes he apologises afterwards but tbh I don't think I should have to nag him to look after his own daughter!
Alice I could accept it if it was just me but I don't want my DD growing up having to yell "daddy" ten times before he'll even acknowledge her.
He says he wants to change a lot of things but his excuse is he can't because "that's just the way he is"
Apparently gaming calms him down but I don't get that as he spends a lot of his time yelling at whatever game he's playing (this has improved recently)

fuzzpig Tue 01-Dec-15 13:04:49

It does sound like an addiction. He has to want to change himself though sad

GreenPotato Tue 01-Dec-15 13:07:12

Well what if it was just the way you were OP? Who would look after DD?

It's not just the way he is, it's just that he thinks he has the option because you'll carry the can.

PennyHasNoSurname Tue 01-Dec-15 13:08:03

Why would you want to have to nag him?

JCDenton Tue 01-Dec-15 13:09:38

Like I say, everyone gets engrossed, me included, but it's not hard to think 'I've been in a while and this is a good place to leave it'. Shrugging and saying it's the way you are is kinda bullshit, especially with a very young child, you have to sacrifice some (alright, a lot) of your time.

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 13:10:58

GreenPotato I actually worked out a housework rota with his input, that lasted all of a week. He got an ear infection so I let him off whilst he felt crap but then its never gone back. Rota is still on the fridge but completely ignored.
I don't know what to do tbh. I guess we'll see how this week goes, I would talk to him tonight when he gets home but he's annoyed at me about something else (daring to say he hadn't done enough to support me as I'm ill) so I'll wait till that's sorted first.

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