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Digging my heels in AIBU?

(32 Posts)
angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 08:32:11

This may sound like a small problem but it causing quite a lot of tension, conflict and unhappiness in ou r household.
My DH has over the last year bought, scrapped and sold 4 motorbikes for our sons. We are by no means anywhere near well off and this has wasted possibly £1000s. I've been against it from the beginning due to cost, not having a motorbike track beside us and no transport/trailer to transport them. Also safety for the boys as he isn't being careful enough. After the last motorbike was stolen and wrecked I thought we had agreed no more. Back to another big argument last night as he wants to buy another.
He earns more than I do but still low wage, he is angry as its his money he wants to spend to spend. I'm past caring what he spends it on now but not more bikes for reasons above. AIBU?

IoraRua Tue 01-Dec-15 08:35:05

Yanbu. If you can ill afford to be frittering away that money it's ridiculous for him to keep at it.

DoreenLethal Tue 01-Dec-15 08:39:05

Sorry - why is he doing this?

ClashOfUsernames Tue 01-Dec-15 08:41:40

How old are the boys?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 01-Dec-15 08:45:36

He probably makes out it's for your sons' benefit but he's indulging himself. How old are they? When you say DH isn't careful enough, how do you mean? If he's still slack about locking things up the thieves will think Christmas has come early.

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 08:57:03

Thank you for replying. Motorcycling is his passion and he thinks it's great for them. I would agree if we were well off with transport and places to take them, but we are not. They are 14 and 7. Not careful enough-I don't think he has been safe in where he takes them (no motorcycling tracks nearby so it has been field and woods) and yes the last bike got stolen because he didn't lock it up.

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:03:46

We have no children's motorbikes at the moment and I want it to stay that way. It's causing arguments. The boys don't need this? He is so adamant about getting more bikes even though we are thousands in debt (managing it ok....just) I need to get my point across without arguing and getting upset. The other bikes he has just gone and bought without my say/me knowing until they were brought home.

pinkdelight Tue 01-Dec-15 09:08:34

No way would my sons be going on motorbikes till they're old enough to defy me and buy their own. But if you don't object in principle to kids on bikes, then at least enforce the highest standards of safety. Why on earth your DH wouldn't want to do that is beyond me. Probably thinks he's such an expert he can't be wrong. Probsbly blinded by his passion for bikes, but I'd be more passionate about my kids' lives. Yanbu at all.

pinkdelight Tue 01-Dec-15 09:10:32

And the debt issue is the icing on the cake. He can't afford this hobby for him/the kids. Full stop. If he can't see that he's got a problem, not a passion. It's not a hobby people in thousands of pounds of debt can afford to have. And the money he earns isn't his, it's your creditors. He's spent it already.

GreenPotato Tue 01-Dec-15 09:12:56

You're married with kids, it isn't "his" money to spend. It's household money and you get a say. Maybe different if you had lots of spare cash, but as a household you're in debt and it's totally reasonable for you to say no to unnecessary spending. As their mum you also get a say in what activities they do and if you consider them dangerous you should be listened to. Can you talk to the police or some kind of safety organisation to find out about the law/safety advice on this and present him with that?

littlemermaid80 Tue 01-Dec-15 09:14:53

"Motorcycling is his passion and he thinks it's great for them."

No he thinks it's great for himself, and is more than likely using the boys as a "doing it for the kids" excuse.

YANBU. He can't afford this hobby.

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:19:01

Yes I think he reckons he is an expert and I'm just a killjoy. I don't know why he can't see this. I work part time for crap wages, he is full time so he does bear the brunt of bills. I do most of the looking after the children house and dog although he does help. The debt is for his bike which is used for his transport so at least it's useful and tax credit overpayment. ( they were informed of all changes in circumstances but still based payments on previous years earnings. This repayment comes from my meagre wages per month) I just wish he could see my point of view.

GreenPotato Tue 01-Dec-15 09:20:50

Also he only needs to look at the stats to see that motorcycling is not great for kids. It's extremely dangerous. If an adult wants to have a motorbike and take that risk, taking adult responsibility for it, that's their lookout. There are a million activities that would be better for kids, especially as little as 7.

I would lay down the law and say that a) you will not stand for the kids being involved in motorcycling until they are old enough to have their own license and make their own decision and b) you will not stand for money being spent on unnecessary crap when you are in debt and that money should be paying off debts.

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:21:00

In regards to the law I'm guessing he would not be allowed to use local public places for motorcycling!! I would need to check to be certain. He still did it anyway.

GreenPotato Tue 01-Dec-15 09:23:09

So if he's breaking the law, he's not an expert is he? And he's endangering the kids.

I wouldn't let up on this.

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:27:54

I'm going to stand my ground and if he takes another motorbike back I will tell him he needs to get rid of it or I will. I can't afford to pay all the bills if he decides to waste money. I need to stay calm when he starts this as it usually escalates into shouting. I have told my son's when they are old enough to ride a bike themselves and earn enough to pay for it and have their own place then that's their choice. It's so silly/stupid. I think it is more for him than the boys.

Birdsgottafly Tue 01-Dec-15 09:29:14

My children went Horseriding, which is as dangerous as being on a Bike.

My youngest has had a Moped since she was 17 and will progress to a Motorbike.

It's a valid hobby and way of life.

That aside, OP, you need to go through your household budget and see what could be apportioned to this.

Just because you have debts, it doesn't mean you can't have hobbies.

Your eldest is old enough to decide if he wants to take part, what is his opinion, on this Hobby?

ArcheryAnnie Tue 01-Dec-15 09:32:20

If you as a household have thousands in debt, then it isn't "his" money he's spending on it.

(Also there is no way in hell I'd let a 7 year old on a motorbike, or a 14 year old, either.)

Birdsgottafly Tue 01-Dec-15 09:34:28

He shouldn't be showing your DS that it's ok to disregard the law.

I think it's good for Lads to be taught how to do things that they are interested in, Bikes, Driving etc safely.

But he isn't doing that, I'd put my foot down about that.

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:36:51

My eldest loves it as does the youngest. It really is safety and money. There is not enough money for such an expensive hobby and I don't think he should just be using any old place for motorcycling. I would need to get a trailer licence, buy a bike trailer in order to take them somewhere to ride the bikes. That's before paying for all the gear and the bikes.
A moped at 17 to me sounds fine as it can be used for commuting and is cheaper at that age to run than a car. Thank you

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:37:37

I don't think he is going about it safely but he is adamant he is?!

angelsnapper Tue 01-Dec-15 09:41:24

I can't even afford to run a car just now.

GreenPotato Tue 01-Dec-15 09:46:02

Well whether or not it's safe/legal isn't a matter of opinion, it can be easily researched and you can put the facts in front of him.

This page might be useful starting point. Also this

MoriartyIsMyAngel Tue 01-Dec-15 09:58:29

I lost two friends to motorbike accidents in the same year, both boys, both teenagers. One was hit by a car before even leaving his street, the other (bizarrely) crashed into a cow on a country road at night and wasn't found till the next day. If my son ever buys a motorbike, I'll be sneaking round to steal it away from him!

KinkyAfro Tue 01-Dec-15 10:03:19

You can't afford it, end of, he needs to understand that you're already in debt and this is money that can be used for the family. Are you going without other things to support this 'hobby'?

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