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Who is BU?

(148 Posts)
Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:20:03

Hi - I am a regular but have name changed due to not having done so for a while smile

Just wanting to garner some opinion on who is BU and it's not us how we might navigate the situation with his ex.

Oh has been banned from driving due to accumulation of points - his fault.

He works in same town as his DC 170 miles away and he comes home via train and every other weekend brings his DC on two buses and a train and I do a 70 mile round trip Fri and Sun to collect them from the station (saving a third train and v tired DC).

Obviously this has cost him a fortune and at the other end he puts DC in a taxi home from train station.

OH ex is moving house some distance from where she is now and OH has said he will pay the same amount as before for the taxi (until he gets licence back) but can she make up the remainder (she doesn't drive) which she has refused to do saying that it's his fault he lost his licence (true) but she is choosing to move.

For 5 yrs OH drove over 600 miles each way every other weekend to have DC.

Who is BU?

wasonthelist Sun 29-Nov-15 21:24:13

Eeeeeek Dunno who is BU really. I can see both sides - really.

I am resisting the urge to comment on other aspects so as not wander off topic. Maybe someone with a more categorical view will turn up soon, sorry.

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:25:23

I am not really interested discussing the driving ban - no smile

SavoyCabbage Sun 29-Nov-15 21:29:26

Did he choose to move so far away from them in the first place?

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:30:29


MelanieCheeks Sun 29-Nov-15 21:32:09

Leave the driving ban out of it. Even if he were able to use a car, this would still entail an additional cost. so it comes down to the costs of visits. If she moved to the other side of the world who would pay?

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:32:49

Probably still him grin

BlueJug Sun 29-Nov-15 21:33:40

Sounds rough on the kids. I think if I were ex wife and could see how hard this was for my DC I'd help out. It isn't about point scoring. This is clearly very difficult for DC and your DH.

Do you drive? Could you help out?

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:35:22

I said in my OP that I do - I do 2 two hour trips every time we have them.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 29-Nov-15 21:37:24

He may be eligible for a reduction in maintenance if his travel costs to see the children increase.

Not necessarily, but may help you out a bit if his ex is refusing point blank.

Izzabellasasperella Sun 29-Nov-15 21:38:39

If he works in the same town as his dc why don't you live there?

BlueJug Sun 29-Nov-15 21:38:54

Sorry - didn't realise that. Stupid - sorry.

It is a very difficult situation. Maybe the whole arrangement needs a re-think - although I have no idea how? It seems unsustainable anyway. As kids get older there is no way they are going to want to do that every other weekend.

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:39:32

Hmm that might be worth checking out.

The CSA only take into account petrol when the DC are actually in the car which is a bit shit tbh.

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 21:41:13

I don't understand the housing situation.
He works in the town where the kids live?
So - where does he live in the week?
Why doesn't he just stay up with them at the weekend?
Why on earth (before the ban) was he subjecting the kids to 340 miles of driving EOW?

Even without the ban, why not just stay up there on his weekends? Better for the kids too, not to miss parties and clubs? And certainly not to spend hours of their lives in a car.

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:43:53

He can't have the kids where he stays. He is in the forces - he took a post in the same town as his kids.

Before he moved the kids did 2.5 hours each way in the car - it really wasn't that terrible for them.

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:44:26

The only time we see each other is on the weekend too.

DinosaursRoar Sun 29-Nov-15 21:45:38

Just was going to ask Cabrinha's question - he lives in the same town they are in during the week but spends weekends with you, is that right? Then I would say he stays in that town every other weekend and you go there, or he have the DSC on his own.

Long term if you are thinking of living together full time, it would need to be you moving to that town unless he got a new job near you.

DinosaursRoar Sun 29-Nov-15 21:47:05

Ah, X post. Then I think he needs to think about having a housing situation in the town he lives and works in that's suitable for access, rather than using your house for access, and you go there. Do you have DCs?

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:47:14

We own a house together in the town I live in. My DC go to school here, I have a career here I can't follow him around moving my kids and myself every time he gets posted.

Cutecat78 Sun 29-Nov-15 21:48:21

He cannot afford a "housing situation" in the town he works in - and we would only see each other 4 days a month hmm

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 21:51:09

So it was their mother that moved away, but he managed to follow them up there by getting a posting locally to them, for the time being?

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 29-Nov-15 21:50:53

He should pay. It's down to his actions he's not driving.

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 21:54:41

Depends a bit (whether YABU/R) on whether the XW is being unhelpful or genuinely can't afford the additional taxi fare.

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 21:57:04

Seeing each other 4 days a month would be rubbish - but temporary until he gets his licence back. So not the end of the world.
How flexible is your child's father? Can you co-ordinate contact dates so you go up one of the weekends (if he could sort accommodation there)

Can the Welfare Officer help at all? I have no idea if this is possible, but for example if there were empty married quarters he could use / rent EOW?

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 22:00:27

It's not all down to his actions though.
If he was still driving, would you think it fair for the XW to pay additional petrol to her new place?
I think so.
I think it's his fault there's a taxi involved, but I think it would be fair to expect the equivalent petrol payment, just not taxi fare.

It's a shame she don't drive from new house to the train station and get rid of that last taxi altogether. But we don't know how the marriage ended!

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