To be sick of this 'rough and tumble'

[midlifehope]

Need some advice on rough housing / rough and tumble. My dp and 4 year old engage in it most nights. Often, Ds initiates it but I think it's his ritualised way of getting affection, attention from his dad. It feels stressful and a bit out of control and invariably ends in my 4 year old son crying as he's bumped himself, or him running to me and saying 'daddy tried to hurt me', which sounds awful to me. When I try to tell them to be careful or stop fighting, dp tells me I'm being a manager and shuts the door of the room they're playing in in my face. I'm so sick of it. I feel like my family is broken. I feel like walking away sometimes.

[summerainbow]

Did you no play like that with your dad?

[glowingemberfire]

No, I didn't, personally.

I think getting your DP on board here and a 'hands and feet and feelings to ourselves' rule would help!

[midlifehope]

Hmm not really to that level. I don't mind the high jinks, it's ds telling me he's hurt himself / that dp 'hurt him' that really upsets me

[Wolfiefan]

We never did this growing up. My kids don't. I think there's a fine line between this and fighting. It's not how we choose to show affection.

[Epilepsyhelp]

There must be more going on here. Rough and tumble is fairly normal, why does it make you feel like your family is broken?

Your DP shouldn't shut the door in your face but nor should one or the other parent dictate to the other re parenting.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Is it wrong that I'm 30 and still rough and tumble with my dad at any given opportunity? I like to pin him down and get the DGC to attack him now

[BarbarianMum]

You feel like your family is broken and you want to walk away because your dp/ds play rough and tumble??? What's going on?

[Donge13]

I think you need to get a grip!

[nilbyname]

We used to play horsey horsey and a bit of rough and tumble with my dad. All good.

Dh and I have discos wit the kids and there is lots of leaping around and throw downs on the sofa. Hardly ever any tears.

Sounds like your dh takes it a bit too far.

[loveulotslikejellytots]

We used to love Sunday afternoon ruffties with my dad! The three of us would generally just bundle my dad to the floor and beat the crap out of him! It would inevitably end in tears or someone having a strop, but that's when mum would intervene and put an end to it.

Just enjoy them playing together. Although he shouldn't have shut the door in your face.

[midlifehope]

I really don't mind the rough and tumble it's the 'daddy hurt me' that's upsetting to me. What do I do with that? Also dp and I end up arguing over it as he thinks iabu and I think he's winding ds up and going too far

[AgentZigzag]

A bit of rough and tumble is OK but your DP is going too far if he's hurting his 4 YO regularly.

I agree that it would sound a bit...not sure what the word is that doesn't sound too dramatic...if your DS said 'daddy tried to hurt me' at nursery or school or whatever.

I know what your DP means about you shaping the way their relationship develops, but he shouldn't use that to drown you out when you've got genuine concerns.

Does he know you feel so strongly that you feel like walking away? That he's made you feel so powerless to change something that's obviously bothering you that you want to leave your home?

[MajesticSeaFlapFlap]

I've just escaped from a play fight with my eldest, it was much funnier when he was 4 and I could win, he's 13 now and made me lick his foot in order to be released from a head lock.

As long as all party are fine and it doesnt get nasty it's fine. I let the 5 year old wrestle too but If it shows signs of silliness I shut it down

[NomNomDePlum]

i have no experience of this, but surely if your son winds up hurt every time than your dp is being too rough? i would be upset by this too.

[AgentZigzag]

'I think you need to get a grip!'

[IoraRua]

Rough and tumble play is very normal - I used to do it as a kid, no harm done. I think yabu, but I also think there must be something else going on here for you to feel your family is broken. It's a very strong statement and it jars a bit with what you've told us - seems too much of an overreaction.

[molyholy]

I agree with pp's who say there is more to it than just this, but I do agree OP, I absolutely hate 'rough play' as it inevitably ends in tears, or dh being surprised that dd has lamped him one during 'rough play' sessions. I banned them from playing it because i am a funspoiler Dd was getting a bit too big anyway, but I just dont like it.

[sparechange]

Either you DP is being a bit rough, or your DS is using the crying to get your attention.
He has a way of getting attention from his dad - the play fighting
Is this his sure fire way of getting the attention from you? What is your reaction to the tears?

[AgentZigzag]

If my DD's Dad was hurting either of them whatever the reason and brushed me off when I tried to talk to him about it, I'd be fucking fucked off too.

[midlifehope]

Thanks agent. I feel dp has too much pent up energy and is taking it out on dp in a playful way rather than playing with someone his own size!

[sleeponeday]

Rough and tumble that ends with a smaller child crying needs intervention when siblings do it, even though the older child just has no clue about their own strength. When it's a parent, they need to take a look at themselves. DH does rough housing play with both ours, and very occasionally they bump or get hurt, but it's months apart and he always feels dreadful. If it's regular and the child is only four, then your DH needs to wake up.

Shutting the door in your face for pointing this out is appalling. I'd be incensed. I think you need to have a firm conversation at some point when DS is not about and set some boundaries and limits... not that you should have to.

[sleeponeday]

If my DD's Dad was hurting either of them whatever the reason and brushed me off when I tried to talk to him about it, I'd be fucking fucked off too.

Just the idea makes my stomach clench, tbh. It's a horrible thought on every score.

[AgentZigzag]

How do you think your DP would react if someone else (like another family member) was regularly hurting your DS when they were playing?

Would he hate seeing his DS hurt and want to stop it?

How would he feel if the person told him it was none of his business and shut him out?

Maybe you should ask him.

[Fallout4fan]

My dad had the right idea as he made up a game called 'rag doll' basically he would lay on the floor like a rag doll and I'd have to manipulate him into a sitting position which is incredibly difficult. So I would knacker myself out whilst my dad just lay on the floor and had his arms and legs pulled a bit
Not very helpful sorry op but someone else might like to use it to tire the kids.

[Morganly]

Is it really normal for "rough and tumble" between a grown man and a 4 year old to end with the 4 year old crying EVERY TIME? Fuck that, it's bullying disguised as play, isn't it?