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To be upset about someone's else's parenting?

(25 Posts)
AtSea1979 Sun 29-Nov-15 12:27:12

For DD birthday, I explained to her I couldn't afford a party this year and she took it really well. I told her instead she could invite two friends to come to local playcentre and McD for tea.
Less than an hour before, one of DD friends parent informed me her DD won't be coming as "she's being naughty so she has to learn". My DD is now in floods of tears. I'm upset for her. Should I ring them back and beg them to reconsider for my DD sake? I'm guessing it's not a decision she made lightly though. But upset for DD that parent is also punishing my DD too angry

goodnightdarthvader1 Sun 29-Nov-15 12:29:08

Not your business, IMO. If she courses to discipline her daughter in that way, it's a sad consequence for her daughter but don't try to undermine her.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sun 29-Nov-15 12:29:23

For your daughter *

brummiesue Sun 29-Nov-15 12:32:09

It isn't your business but your crying daughter is, ring her and have a word

DontStopBelievin Sun 29-Nov-15 12:32:20

Nothing to do with you.

willconcern Sun 29-Nov-15 12:34:21

I'd ring up & say how much this has upset your dd. Does the other mum realise it's only your dd and one other?

M48294Y Sun 29-Nov-15 12:37:04

Yanbu! Of course this is really upsetting. How old is your dd? I wouldn't be too proud to phone up the other mum and plead your dd's case.

Enjolrass Sun 29-Nov-15 12:39:19

Tbh this is why I don't use things like this (situations that effect others) as punishment.

But tbh I wouldn't appreciate you ringing back and trying to get me to change my mind.

If you had said at the time 'dd will be really disappointed as there was only the 3 of them' , I wouldn't mind. But the ringing back would annoy me.

I can't imagine the mother took the decisions lightly.

So sorry your dd is upset.

CantSee4Looking Sun 29-Nov-15 12:39:30

It takes a lot for a parent to get to a point where they refuse to let a child go to a party. People don't do it lightly. It is a shame, but not you business. And not really any more different than if the child was ill, your dd would still be upset due to circumstances beyond your control. Do not contact the parent you could well get a very stressed parent giving you an earful that ruins any further friendship possibilities beyond hope <bitter experience>

hampsterdam Sun 29-Nov-15 12:42:54

I can understand why your dd is upset but I don't think calling will achieve much, it's probably not a consequence she's dished out lightly. Can you take your dd and the other girl and get a cousin or neighbour or another friend and then reschedule with naughty friend another time?
Personally I never back down on my word if I tell ds he's not getting something or goimg somewhere he doesn't get it/go .

Floggingmolly Sun 29-Nov-15 12:45:11

Very bad form to give your child a punishment that effectively involves another child as well. What a horrible, humiliating thing to do.
As to it not being decided upon "lightly", how do you know? Some people treat their kids in ways most of us wouldn't dream of, sometimes, they don't have to have been driven to the edge to do it.

AtSea1979 Sun 29-Nov-15 12:49:32

I explained to other mum that I'd only invited her DD and one other. Other mum called back and got her DD to apologise, I pleaded my DD case and now child is coming. Phew!

hampsterdam Sun 29-Nov-15 12:50:17

Well if she didn't do it lightly and is one of those people that treat their children not very nicely I very much doubt op calling will make a difference.
Agree it's bad form to use a party as punishment.

Toffeelatteplease Sun 29-Nov-15 12:52:32

Good solution

M48294Y Sun 29-Nov-15 12:53:12

How do you know the other Mum wouldn't have doled out this punishment lightly? She obviously hasn't really thought it through; it is too harsh for any young child - that's why I asked how old the children were.

I might punish a teenager who had done something really bad by not letting them go out for a special occasion, perhaps, but not a little boy or girl. There are other ways to discipline a small child. It is mean. I'm not surprised you are all upset!

M48294Y Sun 29-Nov-15 12:53:46

Ah good, glad to see your update op! Have a great day cake

MammaTJ Sun 29-Nov-15 12:59:41

Oh, that's a good outcome!

I always give a little extra leeway when leading up to a 'party' as I know my kids misbehave due to being over excited.

No point threatening to not let them go, as that is too mean!

Draylon Sun 29-Nov-15 13:09:27

So, there you go! Great outcome, happy for your DD (and you!). It seems the other mum didn't realise that it was only going to be 2 DC which sort of exonerates her, but still, making a punishment decision like that which affects others, especially young DC, really isn't on, by and large.

It is entirely 'your business' as that parent has, in effect made a verbal 'contract' with you which they are now breaking for their own good, but which has quite negative outcomes for you.

FTR, being ill and being punished are two very different reasons for non attendance at a pre-arranged 'do'.

As an aside, DH used to do this from time to time: I'd really need to go into town, like getting shoes or whatever for a DC; one would act up so DH would call the whole thing off. So when the chuff am I going to get those right sized shoes now, DH?!

He doesn't do it any more! grin

Jollyphonics Sun 29-Nov-15 13:15:00

Draylon my kids would deliberately act up if they thought they could get out of a shoe shopping trip! What a bizarre punishment.

OP I'm glad it got sorted. I think it's very poor parenting to impose a punishment that makes someone else's child suffer as much as your own.

Draylon Sun 29-Nov-15 13:38:44

Yes, though, tbh, I never told them it was shoe shopping! Though DH knew...

rookiemere Sun 29-Nov-15 13:40:46

Glad you got it sorted. I think it's very bad parenting to punish another DC for your own DC being naughty.

AtSea1979 Sun 29-Nov-15 14:07:23

I don't even like the label of 'naughty'

Nanny0gg Sun 29-Nov-15 14:10:16

I was with you until I don't even like the label of 'naughty'


mrtwitsglasseye Sun 29-Nov-15 15:47:45

I don't like labelling a child naughty - they are not a naughty child but the behaviour is unacceptable, it's a subtle but important distinction.

As for the party...I have stopped my child going to a birthday party once, due to repeatedly hurting other children. It was after weeks of it...I had to tell him that as I couldn't trust him not to spoil the party, he couldn't go.

I wouldn't have done it if it had been him and one other. That's unafir on the birthday child. I wouldn't have done it either if it had been a "pay per child" venue. I would have found another punishment.

Draylon Sun 29-Nov-15 16:27:03

mrtwit- but what if everything a particular DC does is naughty? wink

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