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AIBU to think DP is an insensitive idiot

(22 Posts)
cariadlet Sun 29-Nov-15 09:45:59

Last night DP and I were catching up on a few episodes of Coronation Street that we'd missed. We saw the episode where Steph called her ex's bluff. For those of you that aren't fans, the sleazy ex has been forcing Steph's brother to take part in illegal car races so that he can bet on Steph's brother winning. He did this by showing the brother intimate photos of Steph that he had on his phone and threatening to post them on line.

In the episodes that we watched, Steph finally called the ex's bluff hoping that his decent side would win out. Instead he posted the photos. She was devastated and there have been lots of tears. In one incident Steph kept glancing over at a table of loud, laughing blokes in the bistro where she is a waitress. When she confronted them, asking them what they were looking at they showed her an innocuous photo that one of them had on his phone.

DP pipes up, "I think she's overreacting a bit."

We ended up having rather a heated discussion about this.

I said that loads of women have had their lives ruined by revenge porn. They can have their self-confidence knocked for years and some suffer depression or even become suicidal.
I said that if it happened to me I would be so mortified that I don't think I would want to leave the house. I'm a primary teacher and the thought of walking into school and thinking that some of the parents could have seen the photos would be so humiliating.

DP said that if it happened to him he wouldn't be bothered. He named a few of our mutual female friends and said that if it happened to them and he came across the photos online he wouldn't think anything of it - he wouldn't think anything bad of them and wouldn't make comments. He thought that other blokes coming across photos like that would be the same as him.

So, am I being oversensitive or is he being insensitive?

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 29-Nov-15 09:49:32

No, he's an idiot. He has no idea how much women are shamed for their sexuality more than men, he unbelievably thinks that what matters is how HE would feel if he saw revenge porn of someone else, and anyway he's not experienced it, so how does he know how he'd feel?

Suggest that you take a picture of him naked in the garden on one of these very cold winter mornings, and then post it all over the internet and Facebook. See what he says.

GloGirl Sun 29-Nov-15 09:55:18

He has an opinion, he's not being insensitive to you he's just being honest about his thoughts.

He's wrong obviously. It's so difficult. Very rarely my husband will come out with something just wrong and I get a bit upset and think "How can someone I love have such a warped view". I usually keep prodding him until he eventually concedes that I have a point and it was the same point he was making in a different way hmm

I've not seem the story line but the fact they have it shoes that it is not "nothing " and it is a big deal, that's why it's a story line. And that's why it's against the law too.

DoreenLethal Sun 29-Nov-15 10:07:41

I'd reconsider what sort of bloke I was living with to be honest.

cariadlet Sun 29-Nov-15 10:08:11

He has an opinion, he's not being insensitive to you he's just being honest about his thoughts.

I didn't take it as being insensitive to me, rather as being insensitive to the situation. But, on reflection that's the wrong word. It's the total lack of empathy that really took me aback.

Potatoface2 Sun 29-Nov-15 10:33:19

anyone (man or woman) who lets anyone, even husbands, wives, partners etc take pictures of them in compromising situations is an idiot....if you dont want anyone to see them, dont let anyone take them....i just cant understand why you would do it...it always ends up causing trouble!

Enjolrass Sun 29-Nov-15 10:32:54

Yanbu. But I find it difficult to have empathy for someone on a soap and equate it to RL.

I don't watch often, but when I do I often roll my eyes. Then think about and think I probably would be annoyed, upset or whatever.

Also we form our opinions based on what we know. If he knows men and women it has happened to that aren't bothered, that may colour his view. Although I would be questioning if this was true and they were saying they didn't care as a cover, when really they were devastated.

manana21 Sun 29-Nov-15 10:34:01

maybe all he really meant was, he's not negatively judging the woman, but because most people would, that means he's reacting atypically. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to say he's a good bloke because he wouldn't judge her for it, but he's wrong that the general population wouldn't, and also missing the point about privacy and her rights being invaded.

trudgingalong Sun 29-Nov-15 10:37:57

I don't honestly see why he's been an insensitive idiot. He sees something differently to you and how he sees that is dependent on his sex but also on his line of work and so on - something like that happening to a teacher will be more embarrassing than it happening to a builder.

OneMoreCasualty Sun 29-Nov-15 10:45:29

There are personal accounts online of women this has happened to - he may like to read them.

It is wrong of him to say the character is overreacting but not wrong for him to say he wouldn't judge (which of course is the correct response)

whatdoIget Sun 29-Nov-15 10:47:04

It's nice that he wouldn't react negatively to seeing pictures of a friend online, but it also seems likes he's minimising the situation, and saying that the character's reaction is inappropriate. It's like saying what's her problem anyway, she's got no right to be upset at being violated, it wasn't that bad...which is a worrying attitude.

Epilepsyhelp Sun 29-Nov-15 10:50:29

It can actually be very hard to emphasise when you genuinely cannot imagine something being an upsetting thing to happen, especially as it's on a soap so he will just assume that's the lines she's been given but in real life she wouldn't care.

Of course he's wrong in not seeing how utterly devastating it can be but that's not necessarily because he's a twat, in his experience of women it's happened to they haven't seemed upset.

obviously if it happened to someone he cared about and he saw it from the inside he would very quickly understand and empathise.

trudgingalong Sun 29-Nov-15 10:50:52

But it's a soap! I can't imagine having heated discussions and being deemed an insensitive idiot because of an offhand comment during Corrie or Eastenders.

I have been rolling my eyes during the Tyrone and Fiz storyline because it's really boring - it doesn't mean I don't care about children with cancer. I've also been known to laugh out loud at Hollyoaks when I'm not supposed to because it's so far fetched and silly.

I don't want to sound critical but I can't imagine living in a home where I have to be so PC and right on with what I say because otherwise I'll get a huge lecture.

DoreenLethal Sun 29-Nov-15 10:52:59

something like that happening to a teacher will be more embarrassing than it happening to a builder.

Revenge porn happening to anyone is horrific, no matter what your choice of career.

trudgingalong Sun 29-Nov-15 10:55:21

Yes, but it would have more of an impact on some people than others.

It's a stupid storyline on what is currently a very silly soap and I think the DP is being treated like a naughty child for daring to mention something along those lines.

cariadlet Sun 29-Nov-15 10:59:33

But it's a soap! I can't imagine having heated discussions and being deemed an insensitive idiot because of an offhand comment during Corrie or Eastenders.

The soap was a starting point for the conversation which turned into a discussion of how people would react in real life, both if it happened to them and also if they came across intimate photos of other people which had been posted online.

in his experience of women it's happened to they haven't seemed upset.
I was probably unclear in my op. We don't know anybody who has had this horrible thing happen to them, but DP was saying that if it did he wouldn't think anything of it.

whatdoIget Sun 29-Nov-15 11:00:50

It is a stupid storyline because now the bloke,can't remember his name, has lost all his bargaining power, so why would he do that anyway? Sorry to derail

tuilamum Sun 29-Nov-15 11:02:52

I think he's a good guy if he wouldn't judge a woman because of it, but he's a bit naive if he thinks others wouldn't either

miaowroar Sun 29-Nov-15 11:31:20

Revenge porn happening to anyone is horrific, no matter what your choice of career

Very true - but you could lose your career in some professions (such as teaching) if inappropriate images are posted on line.

OneMoreCasualty Sun 29-Nov-15 11:36:39

Ask him how he would react if it happened to his mum. Would he think she was overreacting about the violation of her privacy (which is the actual issue, not whether or not those who view the stolen pictures judge or don't)

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 29-Nov-15 11:52:51

Plenty of people have judged others for pictures and videos ending up on the net. He's naive to think that others wouldnt.

It's an evil thing to do and there are laws surrounding it.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 29-Nov-15 12:11:33

Soaps explore real life issues such as revenge porn...it's one way these sorts of matters make their way into public discourse and it's important. If people responded negatively to a rape victim or gay relationship in a soap opera, it's a fair bet they'd feel the same about it happening in real life, where it frequently does.

For a man to say revenge porn isn't a big deal because he personally wouldn't be bothered if he saw it happen to someone else is pretty horrendous.

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