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To be upset that gf leaves the entire holiday break

(20 Posts)
Lifeisamarathon Sun 29-Nov-15 01:13:44

My first post really. Long story short, I'm from America and we are currently on our Thanksgiving break. My gf and I have been together a short six months. Her family lives two hours away and she is in constant contact with them and they have overnights about twice a month with her parents coming into town every other weekend to see their two grown daughters. I think this is a bit excessive but roll with it. She left Wednesday and won't be returning until Sunday evening and thinks I'm being unreasonable by wanting her to at least spend part of the holiday with me. I am very upset about it, actually, and have voiced my opinion about it. She responds by saying I'm being needy which feels very offensive considering she spends a lot of time with her family and works long hours. Am I being unreasonable by feeling upset that she spent the entire holiday weekend away?

wafflyversatile Sun 29-Nov-15 01:17:32

I don't think you are being needy but she obviously wants to spend as much time with family as she can which also is not unreasonable.

Either you are willing to see how things pan out in the future as your relationship develops and you keep talking about how you feel as you go along or you see this as a deal breaker. Only you can decide which.

wafflyversatile Sun 29-Nov-15 01:18:36

Personally I think it is a lot of time she spends with her family but I guess she is closer to her family than I am mine.

Epilepsyhelp Sun 29-Nov-15 01:19:42

Not much point in being offended/trying to force her to change. At the moment she either prefers her family's company or she feels obliged to spend all that time with them. If she thinks you're needy for wanting to see her though I'd say that was a red flag.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams Sun 29-Nov-15 01:26:49

I think it's quite normal to want to go home for longer around holidays - especially if there are grandparents/other relatives there. And you have only been going out six months - she'll have had family traditions for years...

It sounds like she's just close to her family (although I do agree that two hours' journey every other week is unusual).

(Just out of interest, if you don't mind, how old are you? If she's a student going home as soon as you have time off sounds pretty typical.)

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams Sun 29-Nov-15 01:27:36

I should have said, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel upset about it, but I don't really think she's being unreasonable either.

Mmmmcake123 Sun 29-Nov-15 01:28:08

Her contact with her family does not sound excessive to me. All families are different tho. Was anything special planned for thanksgiving weekend or did you assume that given it was thanksgiving it was therefore special? She may not have picked up on this if you didn't make it clear how important it is to you. Even tho people have customs they don't always abide by them so it needs to be made clear. Happy thanksgiving

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 29-Nov-15 01:40:02

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You've only been together for six months, this weekend may well have been arranged before you even met or may be a family tradition.

The amount of contact in her family does not sound excessive. It may be more than your family maintains, but it's still a normal level.

Lifeisamarathon Sun 29-Nov-15 02:11:26

We have discussed my feelings about this in depth and have hit a wall. Neither is willing to budge on how we feel about it.

We are both in our mid 30's. Her family comprises of her parents and two adult siblings. None of the siblings are married or have partners. They are expected to be home for their entire break by the parents. I don't think visiting family is unreasonable but I do think staying the entire holiday is unreasonable.

We do come from very different families. My family is very large and social. We are close but we spend a day together at holidays and get together here or there for dinner or a quick gathering. I haven't spent the night at my parents since I graduated university. I don't think any of my siblings have either. Her family is quiet and none of them socialize much outside of the family. They call each other every single day, several times a day and literally recap their entire day over and over to each family member. It is very bizarre to me yet never have I complained about it even though it sometimes is annoying and she clearly gets annoyed by it as well.

Before we met, my gf had scheduled five trips away over the summer. There was never any problem between us regarding those trips nor the weekends her parents came to stay at her house. She is very lovely. Very kind to my kids. Kind to me. She is the one who visits me more often than I visit her since I have kids. We get on very well and never argue until recently when she spends so much time with her family and expects to be them most of December.

It is all very confusing to me. I don't understand not wanting to spend a free day together without the stress of work or kids. I don't understand not coming home a day early. Maybe this is a deal breaker. I don't think she's being mean or neglectful but it doesn't sit well with me. I can't deny feeling upset and angry about it and do I ever dread December. I also don't feel comfortable with her saying I'm needy when I'm not at all needy. A bit heartbroken at the moment.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 29-Nov-15 02:12:49

My family has always been very close. Holidays are special to us and it wouldn't be at all unusual to go for 5 days to a week, maybe even longer for T-Day or Xmas. Nor unusual to spend lots of time together during the year or take holidays together. But my family is also very welcoming so 'new members' are always included and are considered part of the family from the get go.

It sounds as if you aren't that close with your family, which is OK, too. But you need to understand that your gf IS close to her family and that you will need to make a decision if this is something you want to join in with in the event your relationship becomes permanent (or very long term). Because it's not going to change. If this isn't something you're prepared to accept, then you need to reconsider the relationship. It wouldn't be fair for you to expect her to change.

tillytown Sun 29-Nov-15 02:36:22

Assuming you don't have your children with you 24/7, why don't you drive the two hours and spend an afternoon with her? Or would she not argee to that?

araiba Sun 29-Nov-15 03:36:35

why dont you go with her?

Lifeisamarathon Sun 29-Nov-15 03:53:18

Her family is not accepting of her being gay.

WishIWasWonderwoman Sun 29-Nov-15 04:45:35

Oh dear that puts a real spanner in the works. So they know about you but don't accept you?

I think it is okay for her to go home for the entire holidays this year- you have only been dating six months but presumably she has had this holiday tradition for 30+ years.

But if you stay together long term it wouldn't work if she went to her parents every holiday if they don't want you around.

I don't think her behaviour or your desires are unreasonable here, but if you stay together something will need to change.

Enjolrass Sun 29-Nov-15 06:21:44

I do think staying the entire holiday is unreasonable.

No it's not. You have only been together 6 months.

Next year when you have been together longer or even living together, I would see your point.

I am close to my parents and speak everyday. But I have been with my dh 15 years, so when I go he comes too.

The not accepting of her being gay is more of an issue. Is this really what's bothering you? Not that she is there, but that's she is there and you can't see a future where you can go too.

Do you see a future where she spends all the holidays with them but never with you? That she will always have you and her family in two different boxes?

StrawberryTeaLeaf Sun 29-Nov-15 07:00:51

Her family is not accepting of her being gay.

Leaving you and your relationship aside for a moment, it is interesting that she is so very deeply enmeshed with them in her mid-30s despite their rejection of who she is.

I think this is very complex for her and it'snot going to be a simple matter of negotiating better balance as your relationship progresses.

Narp Sun 29-Nov-15 07:07:36

Well, that changers everything.

I am sorry to say that this does not sound as if it will become the relationship you want it (quite rightly) to be. A relationship where you are some first and in time become part of her family.

Saukko Sun 29-Nov-15 09:51:26

My then-boyfriend's family took a dislike to me. They thought I was too young. When it became apparent I would not be welcome as a visitor, he stopped visiting them.

5 years later they invited us back. They clearly missed him, or hey, I just got older. Either way, my partner found it utterly non-negotiable that I was to be excluded from family visits (with other siblings and their partners) and a crazy pretence would go on while he was there that I didn't exist. There was no way he would continue to visit under those conditions.

It's baffling your partner is going to frolic around the family table and everyone's just going to pretend she is either not gay or that she's single. Are they going to keep nagging her about when she's going to find a nice young man? Do they know about you, or does she keep the relationship a secret?

AcrossthePond55 Sun 29-Nov-15 13:37:40

When you say 'not accepting of her being gay' does that mean that they just ignore the issue or that they actually don't know that she's gay?

Either way, I don't think it's something that you should compromise on if you are thinking of this relationship as developing into something long term. I wouldn't be with someone who either would not or could not make me a part of their family. I wouldn't want to spend my life in the shadows of anyone's life.

mintoil Sun 29-Nov-15 15:00:41

Her family is quiet and none of them socialize much outside of the family. They call each other every single day, several times a day and literally recap their entire day over and over to each family member.

You see I think this is really odd - especially if they don't know she is gay - how does she talk to them all day every day without this being mentioned?

She sounds pretty enmeshed with them and I would steer well clear - sorry.

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