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DS won't get a job - AIBU to apply for jobs for him?

(28 Posts)
MrsNolansSister Sat 28-Nov-15 15:10:28

DS is 20 and very academically intelligent. He's borderline Aspie and has previously worked in a high pressure environment where he seemed to be doing very well, but decided to leave a few months ago as it was too stressful. He doesn't want to return to that area of work.

He spends his days on FB, gaming etc with no interest in getting another job. He's not unwell/depressed/stressed yet seems to have no interest in work, money, a career. Doesn't go out with friends but never has done.

He won't look at job sites or apply for jobs. He's mentioned some jobs he might consider doing but quite frankly they're way above his capability, but because he previously had a fairly high level job for his age he thinks he can walk back in at that level but in a completely different area! He doesn't want to go to college/uni. He seems quite content being at home every day.

I keep a roof over his head and buy food for him to eat but do nothing else for him in an attempt to encourage him to do things for himself. I've no intention of telling him to move out but how can I motivate him? AIBU to apply for jobs for him?

MyNewBearTotoro Sat 28-Nov-15 15:16:54

Could you strip back all of his privileges (eg: wifi, mobile phone, snacks) unless he starts to pay rent?

I understand not wanting to kick him out or have him go hungry but at the moment he is able to sit at home doing what he wants (games, fb etc) so why would he ever feel motivated to get a job?

Strip it back so he only has basic shelter and board but doesn't have access to any extras until he ears enough to contribute to rent. So no wifi, no one paying a mobile phone contract, no snacks between meals, no new clothes (unless for interview), no spending money if he goes out etc. it possibly sounds harsh but he is 20 so an adult and if he isn't able to do the things he enjoys unless he works to earn them he might suddenly feel a lot more motivated.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 28-Nov-15 15:20:32

No I don't think you can apply for him. That would be unfair on the employers because you're potentially wasting their time.

Brokenwardrobe Sat 28-Nov-15 15:23:42

I understand your frustration but you can't apply on his behalf because you can't make him either attend or try in an interview. If he doesn't want a job he's unlikely to get one I would say.

Mistigri Sat 28-Nov-15 15:25:23

How does he fund his internet connection/ mobile phone/ new games etc?

I wouldn't apply for jobs for him though I think I might look for suitable ones - probably part time if there is a suspicion of an ASD and he has already left a job due to stress.

Does he have a diagnosis? If not you could start the ball rolling, because f/t employment may be genuinely difficult for him without some adaptation.

A friend's Aspie son dropped out of uni and also left his first job in programming, but is now making decent money from self-employment using his computer skills... so don't lose hope. You may have to kick away some of the props, though, and make staying at home all day a bit less comfortable.

SirChenjin Sat 28-Nov-15 15:25:58

No, don't apply for them on his behalf - your application won't be a true reflection of him, which will make for a very difficult interview on both sides.

What I would be doing though is taking about the games console etc as New says. Don't make lift too comfortable.

Dawndonnaagain Sat 28-Nov-15 15:32:36

What does bordeline Aspie mean? Does he have a diagnosis? How do you know he isn't stressed, have you discussed things with him?

Amazemedontbeacunt Sat 28-Nov-15 15:37:48

I have had people come into interviews and when I've asked why they want the job they say something like they don't but if they don't attend their parents will kick them out. If he doesn't want a job he won't get one. I am sorry for your position though and I hope you find a way through it flowers

Sn0tnose Sat 28-Nov-15 15:41:04

I would echo what others have said.

If he believes that he can walk into a job with no experience and at a high level, then there is every possibility that he'll consider the jobs you've applied for as 'beneath him' and you'll be wasting your time and the time of the company.

I'd be switching the wifi off, stop paying phone bills etc and perhaps sitting down with him and showing him what the household outgoings are and setting out what you think is a fair amount of keep for him to be paying.

Sn0tnose Sat 28-Nov-15 15:44:06

I pressed Post too soon. What I meant to say was that he needs to know what is expected of adults who don't have the financial support of their families. Even if he can't pay keep immediately, your firmness over what is expected of him may encourage him to find work.

SoWhite Sat 28-Nov-15 15:56:12

Don't apply for jobs. You'll waste hard working peoples' time.

Remove privileges until he gets his arse in gear. Toddler parenting at its finest.

insan1tyscartching Sat 28-Nov-15 15:58:22

I don't think it's as straightforward as suggested because of the Aspergers tbh. My ds is the same age and has ASD, he's similarly academically able but a world away from being able to hold down a job. He does though attend college and it looks likely that he'll go to uni next year (he'll live at home though). It's likely that your ds is socially and emotionally immature like ds is, outside of the academics he's more like a 14/15 year old tbh.
Ds is supported by a Learning Disability adviser (from the local authority) who helps with college and university placements and will investigate work placements at a later date. If you phone the local job centre they will be able to advise you on getting support for your ds and also any benefits that he may be entitled to in the meantime. He could very well be entitled to ESA and PIP which would help cover his expenses and would also make him eligible to free college courses.

SongOfTheLark Sat 28-Nov-15 16:10:39

I totally understand why you are frustrated with him but what's the point in applying for jobs for him? Wont he just sabotage himself if he does get an interview out of it?

My DC are only 8 and 4 so no experience of even teenagers yet and cant really advise but i wouldnt put up with a 20 year old hanging round the house all day not contributing to the household financially unless there was a very good reason. Basically he either gets a job and pays his way (assuming you charge him rent of some kind) or he buggers off and lives elsewhere. I had to get a job when I was 16 and paid rent to my mum and im not loads older than your son (pushing 30 here)

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 28-Nov-15 16:22:32

"He spends his days on FB, gaming etc with no interest in getting another job."

While he has the former at his fingertips why would he shift his arse and do the latter?

He needs to lose every single privilege which you pay for. If he's not motivated to earn some income to provide access to FB, gaming and the rest, this could be your life for the next forty years.

All the same, applying for jobs on his behalf is likely to be a waste of your time and the employers'. And his too, if he actually gets off his arse to attend any interview he might be invited to. There are a million ways to ensure you're not offered a job.

Give him a reasonable time-limit to find something suitable and be prepared to make life very uncomfortable for him in the meantime, even if you're not prepared to threaten to chuck him out

Enjolrass Sat 28-Nov-15 16:26:26

I would do as pp said.

Give him a time limit and start cutting back on what you pay for like access to the Internet and his phone.

He has no reason to get a job as you are paying for everything.

Fairylea Sat 28-Nov-15 16:31:45

If he's "borderline aspie" what does that mean in real terms ? Does he have a diagnosis? Did he need more support at school? The answers to your post need this information as it would change the response I think.

kickingstones Sat 28-Nov-15 16:34:50

Just because he's academically intelligent it doesn't mean he'll be able to manage in a workplace. Only 15% of adults with autism are in full-time work, I am one of those who have been able to excel at university (three degrees) but cannot cope in employment due to the stress levels and lack of willingness from employers to apply reasonable adjustments.

It is worth chasing up a diagnosis for him if he doesn't have an official one already. My diagnosis (made as an adult) has helped me get benefits and housing which means I am able to live a reasonable life without the stress of the workplace.

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:52:08

so he's had work before? what happened to that?

all he will learn from you applying for him, is that you will always rescue him. Plus it's not fair on you or the company receiving the application.

insan1tyscartching Sat 28-Nov-15 16:53:33

kickingstones I suspect my son and most likely my daughter will be in the same position as yourself too. It's hard enough to get them able to cope with school (everything outside of the academics anyway) when they have a statement and so a legal document forcing the school to support and make adjustments. Employers have the luxury of opting for the easier options and so employment is incredibly difficult to attain and sustain.

VestalVirgin Sat 28-Nov-15 17:02:06

You can look for jobs he could apply for and kick his butt so that he applies, but applying for him would be going too far. You could help him with writing application letters, though.

(I am being generous and assume he does not want to be a burden to you and is just finding it difficult to go through the whole application process.)

EssentialHummus Sat 28-Nov-15 17:12:58

What others have said. It sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation, not least because you know he's capable of working. I also wonder if the stress of his last job is stopping him from putting himself out there again - I've certainly had this, and it can take a bit of a push or a mortgage to get on with things.


sweetvparsley Sat 28-Nov-15 17:28:46

I had a similar situation where my son had left a job and had about £1500 in savings and felt no urgent need to do anything. I said he could only stay under our roof if he paid board. The board would be at market rates unless he could show that he was applying for jobs.

He is now doing an apprenticeship and paying a token amount for rent and board. You have my sympathy its really difficult knowing what to do with these young men.

19lottie82 Sat 28-Nov-15 19:08:51

If he is very academically intelligent, as you have described, why isnt he studying?

Senpai Sat 28-Nov-15 19:16:56

I have a cousin who is on the ASD spectrum, with a low IQ. He's smart, not genius or anything, he just sucks at test taking really. He still has a job. He probably won't be able to live on his own, but he contributes to the house he lives in.

So "borderline Aspie" doesn't cut the mustard I'm afraid.

HesterShaw Sat 28-Nov-15 19:23:59

I'm an employer. When someone's mum (it's always mums) who phones up or emails asking for work experience for their child, I ask them to ask the child to get in touch. Mostly they don't. I even had one young man shambling through the door who mumbled that his mum had "told him to ask for a job". I sent him away.

Yes you can help him go through application processes and so on, but applying for jobs for him will do him no favours. Sorry.

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