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To not want to see DP's family on boxing day?

(47 Posts)
sparkofnaturesfire Sat 28-Nov-15 12:17:53

DP works a lot and will be working long hours over the Christmas period including Christmas day. We have a toddler and I'm 7mnths pregnant with DC2.

MIL isn't in the best of health and is going through a very difficult time just now with a separate issue. She has no one else close by (apart from us). Me and DC are spending Christmas day with my mum, dad and brother after the rest of my family have visited our house on Christmas morning as is our usual tradition.

As MIL would be on her own my mum invited her to spend Christmas day with us. However now DP's brother and SIL have announced they're coming to have Christmas dinner at MIL's. They live very far away. This means we won't see MIL on Christmas day as none of them drive.

DP is going to try and get boxing day off work so we can have that day as our Christmas day just the 3 of us as he'll be lucky to have more than 1 day off over that period.

I feel that we will have to see them on boxing day since they'll be here and we won't have seen MIL. But I really don't want to. I'm extremely precious about me, DP and DC's family time together since we don't get very much of it and especially at Christmas. We definitely see my family more but that is to do with the fact my family all drive (I don't) and come to us.

SIL has form for organising things to suit them with absolutely no consideration for anyone else's wishes or plans and never ever asks if that's okay with us. It's just expected. Luckily they live so far away that it's not too often but when it is we have to drop everything and rearrange our plans to suit them.

For example, next year we have a family (mine) thing that is a couple of hours from them so we thought we'd visit them for a couple of hours. Now SIL has told us they're coming to us and getting a hotel nearby so they can see us! We're not going for long, it'll be our first family trip with the baby and our DS and now they plan on taking up 2 days of our 4 night stay sad

AIBU to say we have plans for boxing day or should I just suck it up? DP doesn't want to see them and said to say he's working but I know he'll feel guilty and will probably change his mind. Just now I can't think of any other time we can see them when they're here and also MIL.

saura Sat 28-Nov-15 12:19:53

SNAP. but I don't have any of your reasons

sparkofnaturesfire Sat 28-Nov-15 12:22:24

grin what are your reasons??

I feel bad for MIL as she was really looking forward to spending Christmas day with us, especially DC. She struggles for money too and they've just landed themselves on her sad

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Sat 28-Nov-15 12:25:15

Seems like you are happy to have family time when it means being with your family, but not with his.

In relation to Christmas in particular, I don't think you can object if your BIL and SIL want to come and spend Christmas with his Mum - it isn't their fault that your DP is working.

With your trip next year - again they aren't crashing time with the three of you, you are seeing your family. You don't have to spend all of the two days with them, just organise a meal and a walk and then do your own thing the rest of the time.
You have to get past seeing time with your inlaws as being invaded, and time with your family as being 'lovely family time'. Otherwise resentment will grow. They are all the same relation to your baby.

Enjolrass Sat 28-Nov-15 12:26:35

When is your dh planning on seeing his mum at Christmas?

Honestly if this is the only day off he has I would at least visit her in the morning for a while.

I can't say Yabu or Yanbu though. It's not always so simple.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal Sat 28-Nov-15 12:27:43

You have a voice, so I'd recommend using it.

Especially on this holiday issue. Honestly, all you needed to say is: "Sorry SIL, actually that won't work for us as we already have lots of plans for whilst we are there, but we appreciate the thought."

If she says that they've already booked then it's a simple "Oh, really? You booked without even checking with us first? Sorry SIL, that's unfortunate, but obviously we can't cancel our pre existing plans because you jumped the gun! I will get DP to send you some ideas of stuff you guys can do whilst you are there if you don't know the area..."

You are a grown adult fgs! Grow a pair.

Boxing day is a bit more difficult. I think it's unfair of you to expect your DP to not want to see is family at christmas. You are seeing yours. By your own admission you see your family more.

COMPROMISE.

Go and see his family in the morning, and make it clear in advance that you will be leaving after lunch. Or, if you think you won't have the balls to actually leave after lunch, then spend the morning as a family unit at home, and then spend the afternoon with your husband's family.

You can't just have YOUR way!

watchingthedetectives Sat 28-Nov-15 12:28:59

MIL isn't in the best of health and is going through a very difficult time just now

Suck it up and don't be so miserable - it looks like one rule for your family and one for his

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 12:29:59

You need to speak to your BIL and SIL and remind them that your MIL is struggling for money and will need them to bring everything - absolutely everything - with them. If they then change their minds about coming, she can come to your mum's with you, can't she?

It's likely she'll be knackered on Boxing Day if she's had to cook for your BIL and SIL on Christmas Day. Why not suggest she has a rest then, then comes to you the next day? Are you happy for her to come when your husband's not there?

watchingthedetectives Sat 28-Nov-15 12:32:09

I should add next year is a different issue and I think you can just say that you have arrangements made except for one night that you have put aside to see them?

At least they are keen to see you and are making an effort!

LagunaBubbles Sat 28-Nov-15 12:32:13

It seems a bit mean to have Christmas Day with your own wider family and then state time with your DP and toddler is so precious you don't want to spend Boxing Day with your partners Mum to be honest.

Spellcaster Sat 28-Nov-15 12:32:43

As MIL would be on her own my mum invited her to spend Christmas day with us.

Feel like I'm missing something here, why did that go out the window... bil/sil can come along with mil and get it over with in one fell swoop?

The whole situation sounds awfully complicated. probably could do with someone putting their foot down somewhere.

SaucyJack Sat 28-Nov-15 12:35:52

It doesn't sound complicated at all.

Christmas Day with your family. Boxing Day with your husband's.

Job done. Anything else would be unacceptable selfishness.

Learningtoletgo Sat 28-Nov-15 12:37:08

Christmas isn't just about your little family unit, surely it's about wider family as well. You seem to be taking the one rule for my family one rule for his approach which isn't really fair on your DH to be honest. Your Christmas day already involves your siblings when does your DH get to see his??

I think you are also being unfair on MIL, if she's having a difficult time maybe it would be a great thing for her to have her children and grandchildren under her roof on boxing day.

Does he work evenings? Maybe you could organise something special for Christmas eve?

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 12:41:48

Spellcaster, inviting one person extra is completely different to inviting three!

BoxofSnails Sat 28-Nov-15 12:43:05

My SIL can be a bit like yours OP and I've not completely found my feet in dealing with her comfortably yet.

Why not ring BIL/SIL and suggest something, such as you and DP will "take brunch over on Boxing Day for about 10 (and btw, you will be bringing the food on Christmas day won't you, MIL will be so worried about not being able to do lunch for you) and share some time together, and then we'll take the bouncy 2 year old out of your hair after a couple of hours".

You then get to point out the issues and cordon off a chunk of the day to yourselves.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 28-Nov-15 12:43:15

If your DH doesn't want to see them on Boxing Day (as you said) then why create a drama? If he says he's working then go with it. If he changes his mind later he can sort it all out.

sparkofnaturesfire Sat 28-Nov-15 12:46:36

I totally get we see my family more, mainly because DP is always working so I arrange to see them as we're always available and it's not possible to see DP's family without him due to transport. There are no transport links to where my MIL lives, well that doesn't involve 3 buses.

I'm resentful (not towards MIL) but to his brother and SIL as we have to take the responsibility for her for everything as well as financially and they don't have a clue what she's going through. We're having to look into her moving closer to us and possibly even move in with us when they get to descend on us whenever they feel like it and if it suits them. The Christmas arrangement suited everyone until they changed the plans out of the blue.

I don't know when DP plans on seeing his mum over Christmas as it depends on his shifts which he doesn't know yet.

In terms of the holiday, if we could just arrange to see them for a meal etc then that would be fine but I KNOW that wouldn't happen. They would expect to see us the whole time and wouldn't take no for an answer. DP feels the same about this. He's very laid back and doesn't want to offend anyone so would end up going along with it even though he says he doesn't want to.

WhetherOrNot Sat 28-Nov-15 12:47:24

Seems like you are happy to have family time when it means being with your family, but not with his.

^^This

Enjolrass Sat 28-Nov-15 12:48:04

Then let him deal with it.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sat 28-Nov-15 12:51:16

I think it's mean to make time for your family, but not your partners. MIL is just as much a part of your family as your DM. She's your DD's grandma and probably wants to see her son and grandchild over Christmas. Don't be mean and deprive her of that - it doesn't have to be all day, just a few hours and then go home and have the rest of the day with DD and DP.

IwishIwasinNewYork Sat 28-Nov-15 12:52:28

I think you are being selfish to be honest.

BlueBlueSea Sat 28-Nov-15 12:54:23

Do what you want for your family, if you and your DH do not want to go, don't go.

MN is full of posters saying that they have to go to XYZ and see XYZ at Christmas and they don't want to.

Since my kids were little I have always done what I want to at Christmas. Went to DH's parents once, did not like it so we have not been there for Christmas since. This year the kids are all with their other parents, so we are having a quiet Christmas Day at home, theatre on Boxing Day and then go away to the countryside for a couple of days.

My parents and PIL's have learnt not to expect to see us at Christmas.

RatherBeRiding Sat 28-Nov-15 12:59:31

Then explain to his DB and SIL what she is going through. If your DH won't, then maybe you should so at least they know. Seems a bit off to be resentful of them for not knowing what she's going through when nobody has told them what she's going through!

TBH I would be contacting DB/SIL to say you have already arranged for MIL to come to you Christmas Day but as you are not available to see MIL Boxing Day then it makes sense for them to come Boxing Day instead! Then everyone gets to see everyone over Christmas (well possibly not you getting to see DB/SIL but surely they can pop over to you for a quick visit?) and you, DH and DC still get to have a day to yourselves on Boxing Day?

I think someone somewhere is just going to have to be assertive!

sparkofnaturesfire Sat 28-Nov-15 13:00:09

The circumstances dictate that we're spending time with my family. If DP wasn't working on Christmas day then we'd be having it at ours with MIL, his brother and SIL. As MIL is on her own then she'll be involved in our Christmas days from now on unless she makes separate plans. It's only because he's working that I'm going to my mum's.

I know I'm being selfish wanting it just us on boxing day, I'm just annoyed that it was the only time we would have the 3 of us and now that's going to have to change when the previous arrangements suited everyone until 2 people who have nothing to do with us the rest of the time decide to change everything because they want to.

abbieanders Sat 28-Nov-15 13:06:11

It sounds a bit like you've imagined some scenarios for the future involving your sister in law and have decided to preemptively resent her for it, such as what will happen if your mother in law needs to live with you at some stage. I'd let go of that, at least.

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