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to think if I was still invited, I'd have heard by now?

(60 Posts)
HogglesFriend Sat 28-Nov-15 09:35:47

About a month ago, someone who I've considered closest friend for many years invited me on a group outing scheduled for tomorrow. We had a disagreement recently (I invited her to something, she accepted but then changed plans when she got a better offer. I felt hurt that I'd been dropped so I called her on it which she didn't like) and whilst we've seen each other briefly since, I haven't spoken to her for a couple weeks (which up until recently would be unusual as we'd text/talk frequently) and I haven't had a text to confirm details about tomorrow. Do I...

A) assume she has forgotten about me and send her a text to see what the plan is?

B) assume because we've disagreed on something, she now doesn't want me to come and not contact her again until she contacts me?

C) send her a message asking if she is deliberately freezing me out because she is still annoyed about our disagreement?

We are both very stubborn and both like to think we're right but in this situation I do feel like the injured party - I think you don't accept an invitation from someone then go back on it because you've been invited to something else, surely? So I don't know now if she's genuinely forgotten she had invited me or I'm being punished because for the first time ever, I've voiced my upset about her behaviour. I kind of don't want to go for the A approach because if she has deliberately left me out, it'll be like I'm inviting myself out when I'm not wanted. I'm too old for friendship issues, I thought I'd be done with this in my teens! Thanks for any advice you give!

booboobeedoo Sat 28-Nov-15 09:37:40

Leave it.

Sparkletastic Sat 28-Nov-15 09:38:59

Yes leave it - sounds like a 6 of one half dozen of other situation

OhPillocks Sat 28-Nov-15 09:41:25

How many are in the group? Do you know lots of the other people and do you want to go? If so I'd go with option A

wowfudge Sat 28-Nov-15 09:41:59

If you do B then the ball is in her court and could this impact on your friendships with others? It also kind of excuses her behaviour. If you do C then it's curtains for the friendship unless she has a wake-up call given the defensiveness so far.

I agree A makes it look like you are wheedling for the details. Why not just phone her and ask whether tomorrow is still on and are you still welcome given the recent disagreement. You might as well try to clear the air. It might be too late now though.

Fatrascals Sat 28-Nov-15 09:42:50

Don't do anything

wowfudge Sat 28-Nov-15 09:43:46

And what I meant to say is that it all depends on how bothered you are about it.

Twooter Sat 28-Nov-15 09:44:44

I agree with wowfudge

bluebolt Sat 28-Nov-15 09:49:08

Close friends should be able to talk, agree to disagree and start afresh. Waiting for apologies if meaning losings a close friend or friends is just not worth it. Phone her

NeededANameChangeAnyway Sat 28-Nov-15 09:50:50

If you do B then things could escalate especially if you are both stubborn and feel you each were the injured party you might not contact each other for a very long time which will probably badly damage the friendship. Depends how you feel about that though - is the argument worth losing a friend over? Given the event is tomorrow it sounds like she has dug her heels in and even if you found the details it may be an awkward day

theycallmemellojello Sat 28-Nov-15 09:54:53

I think Id leave it for today, but get in touch myself asking her to get a coffee or something. There's no shame in being the one to mend things, quite the opposite, it seems silly to damage a friendship over a little disagreement.

KatieLatie Sat 28-Nov-15 09:56:01

Depends how close you are and how much you want to go... If you went, do you think it would be awkward?

If you are close, want to go and think that you can both put the disagreement behind you, then maybe a light text "hi! Are we still going out tomorrow?" and see where it goes. But if you don't get a reply, I honestly think that you should leave it and give her some space. Try and build bridges another time.

pictish Sat 28-Nov-15 09:59:11

I think it's B - she is punishing you for daring to call her out. However, I think you should proceed as though you think it's A. Text/call and say "Are we still on for tomorrow? What are the arrangements?"

Entirely and boldly make out like you are assuming she forgot. To go in worrying that she might still be in the huff says you think she's got something to still be in the huff about.
Be breezy and confident.

jennifer86 Sat 28-Nov-15 09:59:44

You need to ask her about it. If you do nothing then you will have also accepted an invitation and then gone back on it, which is what you are annoyed with her for in the first place! If you don't want this to be the end of the friendship, just ask her whether you're still on for tomorrow and if she says yes you can discuss the details.

HogglesFriend Sat 28-Nov-15 10:00:29

I've known the rest of the group as long as I've known her but if the friendship was to end (I really hope not because if one disagreement in 20+ years is enough to finish it, I've seriously overestimated the depth of our friendship!) I would be unlikely to see these other friends without her connection (sorry to be vague, don't want to out myself completely). I had been looking forward to the day and I'll be sad to miss it as I don't get to see the extended group very often.

I want to ring her and talk it out but I can't do that today for various practicalities. I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for and she certainly hasn't shown any sign of thinking she does either. When we saw each other last, I tried to broach the subject but it was brushed under the carpet and it wasn't really an appropriate time to push the issue. I assumed with tomorrow's event looming, she'd get in touch to sort things out so not to spoil tomorrow with any atmosphere (not from me, I'd just get on with it and enjoy the day) but she hasn't. So that leaves me assuming I've been uninvited. I'm wondering whether our friendship has changed and maybe she doesn't see me as important to her life as I see her to mine nowadays. I'll see how I feel later and if I've still not heard, I might drop her a text. Thanks for the comments!

Enjolrass Sat 28-Nov-15 10:00:58

Can you not speak to her?

If you want to continue the friendship use this.

Something along the lines of 'I know it's been strained lately but I would love to move past it'

pictish Sat 28-Nov-15 10:05:42

And while C would be the honest approach, it would also be the most disastrous. If the friendship is to recover and function well, you need her respect. You won't get it by rolling on your back and exposing your belly.

Behave as though you have done nothing wrong. It will disarm her.

TendonQueen Sat 28-Nov-15 10:06:49

Send the text pictish suggests. Just ask if it's still on. That gives her and you the chance just to pick things up again.

SouthYarraYobbo Sat 28-Nov-15 10:06:57

I would do A. For those saying don't do anything do you mean OP doesn't go and doesn't contact her friend?

IwishIwasinNewYork Sat 28-Nov-15 10:09:09

You can't find 5 minutes to call her?

I promise you if you text her, it won't go well.

Firstly because people tend to be more arsey in a message in a keyboard warrior stylee, people are less brave about being forthright over the phone and will be friendlier.

Secondly if she doesn't reply or sends an ambiguous response you will be none the wiser and in fact in an even more niggly situation.

HelloItsMeAgain Sat 28-Nov-15 10:09:18

I would do A. A kind of win-win. If it was:

1) A genuine oversight - she gives you the details - you get to go
2) A PA ignoring/pettiness - she gets over herself, realises she is being petty, she gives you the details - you get to go
3) A PA ignoring/pettiness - she sticks to her pettiness - you find out about the shaky foundations of the friendship and can move on.
4) If she does 3) then at least you had made moves to hold onto the friendship and can hold a higher moral ground.

leaningtoweroflego Sat 28-Nov-15 10:09:30

Speak to her. Life's too short.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 28-Nov-15 10:11:43

If you want the friendship then do A. Pictish is right

perpetuallybewildered Sat 28-Nov-15 10:12:03

I think I'd go with the first option just to break the ice. You could enjoy the outing and possibly have a chat about the disagreement another time.

pictish Sat 28-Nov-15 10:12:16

Oh good list Helloitsme - yes exactly all of those things. A is the answer.

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