A mean spirited surprise(113 Posts)
Right long time lurker, fully prepared to be told AIBU. Bit of long one but dont want to drip feed. DH works away mon-fri, washing machine has been playing up for a couple of weeks , this week decides to pack up completely, anyway DH comes home tonight , I have a bit if a moan about said washing machine and DH shows me a washing machine he's purchased online coming on sunday, was going to be surprise but he said I was obviously getting stressed about it so he'll tell me now. All good, please bear with me, it is relevant.
We then eat dinner had a chat as we always do on a Friday night, I asked about his work christmas party, he told me what date, it happens to be my birthday. He tells me what they're doing very mater of factly like its any other day, so I plaster on a fake smile thinking i'll be alone on my birthday evening ( no family near by and i'm alone during the week so can't go out with friends) please don't get me wrong if he wasn't able to come home early that's one of those things, i'm well aware he works away and may not be able to get the day off, but he seemed quite blasé about it, like oh well never mind just another day, then he walks out of the kitchen asking if I'd like to come and sit down, I don't, so say i need to tidy up, he then comes back into the kitchen , ask me if I'm okay and do i have the hump, i then say its upsetting as I'll be alone on my birthday, when last year he came home for my birthday and made a point of telling me he'd never let me spend my birthday evening alone so clearly the same didn't apply this year.
Anyhow I now come to my AIBU point, he then tells me I've ruined the surprise and I also ruined the washing machine surprise, he's not going to the christmas party he is coming home on my birthday but me"moaning" has meant he's had to tell me . I think both are shit surprises, why is letting me think I'm going to the launderette next week better than don't worry, new machine coming Sunday and why on earth is letting someone think they will be alone on their birthday evening worth the eventual surprise of taa- daa i'm hereon the night.
So AIBU, we are now not speaking.
I think there are two sides to this one. He was trying to do nice things but you took it wrong. The best way forward is to be kind to each other and understanding of the intentions and then hug and move on based on the assumption that you love each other.
Unless there are underlying issues and this is just a proxy?
He's ordered a new washing machine for you before yours actually broke? He's not going on his work crimbo night out because it's your birthday? You've got the hump? Don't geddit.
Oh YANBU about the 'surprise' though. I would have felt really upset and abandoned too and the surprise thing would feel a bit egotistical to me. But unless there are underlying issues, in your shoes I would be seeing this one of those things where you learn something about how you and your DH see the world differently so you can understand each other better next time, and then kiss and make up.
Do you think he just changed his plans to a surprise for your birthday just to point score? So he was going to go out but when he saw that it'd make him look shit he did his ta-da bit to get back at you?
Either way you're right, they're both shit surprises.
Why would he want to make you feel bad, even for a minute?
If you needed a new machine why didn't you just buy one? Why did he need to do it?
ha ha at a washing machine being a nice surprise!
I think his heart is probably in the right place, he is just crap at knowing what things to make surprises out of.
How on earth is it supposed to be nice for you to think you would be on your own for your birthday and then on the day find out he would be there with you? He plans to make you think he doesn't care about you and then by showing that he does care, you are supposed to be super-grateful?
YANBU. A washing machine is a shit surprise full stop. Letting you think you'd be alone on your birthday is just mean. Of course you'd be upset about that, why is he moaning that you were upset about it? I couldn't be doing with someone messing with my feelings like that.
What was his motivation? Was he trying to do. Nice thing, or was he trying to annoy you?
See it from his angle.
I get it! Why should a replacement domestic appliance be a grand surprise for you? As if he's doing you a bloody favour by ordering it for you? And the birthday thing - you'd be disappointed for weeks, but on the day 'Ta da! See how good I am for coming home for your birthday! Hasn't this made up for the weeks of your pissed-offness?' Er no, it hasn't.
I think YANBU. I agree with you - they were shit surprises.
HIBVU for thinking a washing machine is a surprise.
He is also BU to plan on letting you think you'd be alone for your birthday. Fair enough if he's planning a huge surprise party or something, but even then its still a bit mean.
Nice thing to do Mel was to tell her he's sorted the washing machine/her birthday as soon as he knows.
Both times he's told her the truth after seeing her getting stressed, did it not occur to him that that might happen?
Was he going to leave her thinking she'd be alone on her birthday (despite knowing what it meant to her and promising he wouldn't let it happen) right up until the day?
That's not very nice of him.
I hate this kind of surprise where the other person actually gets stressed before being happy. 5 min happy vs a whole week or more of unhappiness.
It is shit.
Why can't he be nice to you full stop?
I don't understand why you didn't just order a new washing machine? If it was a Christmas night out on my birthday we would have rearranged another night to celebrate it. I dont see this as a biggie tbh.
I hate surprises - and this is mean spirited.
If otherwise the relationship is good I'd do what * OTheHugeManatee* said.
Personally I'd buy my own washing machine. Cannot imagine waiting for a man to do it for me while I struggle with washing at a launderette. I also organize my own birthdays. I'd be unhappy with someone wanting to control when I was happy/sad and when I could have something that I obviously needed.
I might be reading too much into it or projecting my own experiences on to your story.
Wow so many replies, thank you all, i do feel better for venting and getting it out of my system! He has form for surprises, last year he didn't tell me he was coming home for my birthday and I felt a bit shit about it, then he turned up, I'd rather have known thus avoiding feeling sorry for myself before hand. I don't think it's meant in point scoring way, more a not engaging your brain way.
To poster who asked why i couldn't buy ne washing machine, DH is quite handy so can fix stuff, I'd rather let him look first to avoid buying new appliance unnecessarily.
I agree with u too. really shit behaviour. He is doing actually very little but by making you think he is doing nothing so the little will seem more than it is.
Why is he buying you a washing machine? Isn't that a joint purchase essential household item? Does he wash his clothes?
The birthday surprise thing - ask him did he realise that he was deliberately making you miserable so he could go "ta da!" and surprise you, but that deliberately making you miserable first (and planning on keeping it up for a while until the actual day) was actually a cruel thing to do in order for him to have the 'feel good' moment when he walks in on your birthday and 'saves the day'.
He was actually being nasty, not nice to you. (and a washing machine is not a surprise)
When you have to act like a shit to set up the 'surprise' (pretending he was going to the work party and not even acknowledging the date) it's not so much a surprise as a 'hey, I'm not actually a thoughtless arsehole! I was just pretending! Now be grateful dammit!'
Dino you've sumed much more articulately than i write, how I feel, there misery before the ta-da is the issue
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