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Lost it tonight with DS

(110 Posts)
petitfromage Thu 26-Nov-15 21:20:37

Never posted before so please go easy on me.
I have a really lovely 7 yr old DS who I get on well with and am very close to.He's so much fun and great company, love our time together (normally).
He is at a great school and today we were invited to his special assembly where he and 2 other kids in each form get a merit for doing something good. Both me and DH went as they mean a lot to us (you get get one merit assembly per year)
DS has always been last to get a merit every year. He has some level of ADHD and struggles to sit still, concentrate, focus on work etc - school have been very supportive and have done a load of tests with him to try to work out best way to teach him. He has a fantastic form teacher this year and at parents eve I mentioned that he is always last in the form to get a merit as obviously his behaviour in class does not naturally lead to the teacher feeling like he deserves a merit. She said no problem. I'll sort. So we get the letter saying he's getting one now - yay!
All the other kids (3 per form for 3 classes for each year) go up and get their merits. Teachers wax lyrical about how great the kids are, what they did to deserve a merit - great work, help friends, pleasure to be around blah blah blah.... then DS gets called up. DH has phone out to video our moment of pride. Then as lovely teacher starts to say how DS was struggling in yr 3 at first but is really trying hard and settling in brilliantly he starts waving his arms around like he is conducting the audience. Kids all start laughing. He warms to his audience and does it more. Totally ignores teacher and what she is saying about his work. He acts up to the crowd and tbh acts like a complete knob in front of the whole of the juniors, all the teachers and all the parents. Teacher ends up bright red as she has no idea what to do. Head of year has face like thunder. Mortifying doesn't quite cover it.
He then sat down and dicked around (visibly) through the whole of the lords prayer and remainder of assembly.
I know he has some level of ADHD but it isn't that bad. He just acted like a little twat who cares way more about attention and getting everyone to laugh at him than he did about the merit.
I just feel a bit lost and like I don't know my own son.
I totally lost it with him tonight - floods of tears, what the hell were you doing, not worth sending you to that school (it's private and a big expense for us but thought best place for him - now not sure), don't even look at me right now etc etc. Great parenting. He put himself to bed tonight and I was glad as DH is away tonight and I am emotionally exhausted. Feel like totally crap mum. I was school geek and loved my work. I have a DS who I adore but don't understand. WTF was he thinking?? What the hell do I do about this? Ignore? Punish????

EatShitDerek Thu 26-Nov-15 21:28:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastqueenofscotland Thu 26-Nov-15 21:31:17

Sometimes I think totally losing it is the best way for them to realise they have totally overstepped the mark.

My mum has a temper and used to shout at us for not doing the washing up properly. But she'd never get really angry, she was just exhausted working crazy hours very senior in a high pressured job.
She however totally totally flipped at me once. Screaming, crying "how dare you, who on earth do you think you are to do that, you have disgusted me" etc etc etc. Actually I had been a downright cunt and it was something I needed to hear. I'd let it ride. Appolgise for being "mean" or whatever. But make it very clear you were not happy at all with his behaviour. IMO of course!

BitchPeas Thu 26-Nov-15 21:33:27

Totally agree with Eat especially the last paragraph.

Paying a lot for the school probably weighs heavy on your mind so I can understand freaking out if you feel like he's messing about and not taking advantage of the opportunities, but its your choice to send him there you cant expect him to understand that or be grateful. He is just a child, acting like a child.

Jackie0 Thu 26-Nov-15 21:35:40

I totally agree with lastqueenofscotland , he was badly behaved and it won't kill him to let him know how you feel about it.

Hassled Thu 26-Nov-15 21:36:39

I think your reaction was probably more to do with how embarrassed you must have felt - it does sound like it must have been hideous.

Part of me is thinking well, he has ADHD and he's 7, he's unused to official fuss being made of him like that and was probably quite overwhelmed - the slide into silliness was probably just his way of dealing with whatever emotions he had at the time. It was probably just too much for him to cope with, and pratting around was a defence mechanism.

The other part of me is thinking it doesn't actually harm children to realise that parents have a tipping point - that you can only push them so far. Hopefully he will start to think about how his actions have an impact on you.

Either way - in the morning, you just move on. Don't revisit it with him. It's done and dusted.

usual Thu 26-Nov-15 21:36:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petitfromage Thu 26-Nov-15 21:37:07

last queen thank you for making me laugh out loud for first time today! I needed that! And totally agree with you.
This is the first time I have absolutely lost it. Didn't quite call him a complete twat but that is what I felt.
Told him I'm not going to merit assembly next year (I will obviously but wanted to make him feel my pain. Lovely mum). DH had taken morning off work for this shit. Aaaaargh.

StitchingMoss Thu 26-Nov-15 21:38:29

Er, no EatShit, that's not normal behaviour for a 7 year old! There are of course some who will do that but not many.

Did he even deserve the award? You told the teacher he hadn't had an award so he got one? Doesn't sound like he earned it!

This is a really tough one. Will he respond to a proper chat tomorrow about his behaviour and how much he disappointed you and spoilt his big moment?

The school being private is your issue not his - he didn't ask you to pay for his education.

MrsJorahMormont Thu 26-Nov-15 21:38:52

It sounds like he got a bit overwhelmed and embarrassed by the possibly unusual praise? So, out of his comfort zone, he defaulted to his 'typical' behaviour - being a little bit silly and attention seeking, making people laugh. When he is acting up in school his 'reward' is probably being egged on by the others.

I would try and be a bit detached - you are projecting your own aspirations onto him. A conversation tomorrow will be helpful - about how proud you were of his reward and of how his behaviour took the focus away from what he had achieved. Explain the difference between 'good attention' and 'bad attention' perhaps. I sympathise with you in that I would have died a death too but you need to think of your son's feelings. He just sounds like he got overwhelmed by the spotlight and if he normally gets attention for acting the maggot, he probably felt like he needed to give his audience something to applaud him for! Let him know that he is enough, just as he is and he doesn't have to perform - either for his mates or for you.

lastqueenofscotland Thu 26-Nov-15 21:40:19

Haha glad it cheered you up!
It did me the world of good learning that people have a tipping point and the world can't bend to me or always gloss over my mistakes.

7 isn't too young to learn that bad behaviour impacts other people IMO

MistressMerryWeather Thu 26-Nov-15 21:41:39

I agree with usual.

KeepOnMoving1 Thu 26-Nov-15 21:44:55

Don't be too hard on yourself, he was lucky that he had a teacher who decided he will get a merit whether he deserved it or not and he behaved really badly. He needed to learn that naughty behaviour will have consequences even at age 7. Have a calm chat with him tomorrow.

petitfromage Thu 26-Nov-15 21:48:36

eat shit/ stitching it really didn't look normal. He stood out as a complete pillock. Went for coffee after with DH and we could barely speak beyond the occasional wtf?

I can't decide between letting this go and moving on. To enhance matters we are away for a lovely treat this weekend for DH birthday. All of us in one hotel room and spending whole weekend together for long planned bit of quality time. Told DS tonight if I had any way of leaving him here I would. Crap mum merit definitely coming my way soon.....

CalleighDoodle Thu 26-Nov-15 21:49:07

What do you mean by some level of adhd? Is he diagnosed? Or being assessed?

MrsJorahMormont Thu 26-Nov-15 21:50:40

I would have the weekend time together to have a chat with your son in a neutral environment. A few minutes, make the key points, let him know you love him a lot.

maggieryan Thu 26-Nov-15 21:51:20

I'd gave done the same to be honest. I'm back from parent teacher meeting with my 8 yr old. I thought he was doing great in school and was all prepared to be told for how great he was and how well he can hold a conversation, instead I got told he talks way too much, won't let anyone else have a say, gets annoyed when teacher won't answer him and I've to go back to doing a reward chart.,that was me told! Kids eh?blush

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 26-Nov-15 21:50:56

You should have moved him out. Your choice to leave him messing.
Might want to ask if hes like it in class,

FlowersAndShit Thu 26-Nov-15 21:53:03

I feel a bit sorry for him. It doesn't sound like you like him very much and he isn't the child you wanted. He's only 7 fgs.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 26-Nov-15 21:56:52

twat? pillock? are you really more concerned with how he appeared to others in his posh expensive school? You told him you would leave him behind?

Fuck me

petitfromage Thu 26-Nov-15 21:56:57

Like your thoughts mrsjorah.
maggie I've had some absolutely shocking parents eve. Loved the first few then started to realise the gap between my idea of 'lovely son' and theirs. Came out of yr 1 parents eve having been told how 'she wasn't putting him forward for ADHD testing yet but he def had issues' and cried for about 2 hours over dinner. I was 6 moths preg though which definitely didn't help.... Good times.

maggieryan Thu 26-Nov-15 21:57:58

Flowersandshit, I don't think it sounds like that at all, her kid played up and she lost it with him (like a lot of people would)..Think you're reading a bit too much into it..and yes he's 7 so should know better...where did you get that he isn't the kid she wanted...jesushmm

Hairyfairy01 Thu 26-Nov-15 21:59:00

My ds would have done similar at 7 (was also being assessed for ADHD, ASD etc). He's in year 4 now and he has massively matured. I don't think what you said to him was wrong, he needs to learn how his actions are seen by others and how upsetting to you they can be. Do private schools refer to cahms, educational psychology etc?

TheoriginalLEM Thu 26-Nov-15 21:58:45

I'd be more concerned that the school i am paying £££ to send my child too, can't even engage him through an assembly where he was receiving an award. Sounds like shit teaching from where im sitting.

petitfromage Thu 26-Nov-15 21:59:15

Yes theo. Totally felt all those emotions. Did I say it was a posh school? It's just a nice school, not posh at all and Dh and I both went to private school so not out of my depth.
Not proud in the slightest of my behaviour of feelings. But that's why I'm posting here.

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