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To leave out one person from the NCT group?

(125 Posts)
HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:02:35

NCed as identifiable under usual username.

There are 8 of us from our NCT group that have kept in touch over the years.... DC are now four. Of the 8, five of us are very close, DC at same schools, live very near to each other, and we socialise in various combinations including nights out, DHs go out together, we've had a holiday etc. Of the remaining 3 one moved far away but we still see her occasionally.

Anyway it's the time of year that all the birthdays are coming up. DH and I are doing a joint party for my DS and one of the other DCs from the group as we've done for the last three years. This year we've booked an activity that costs £10/head and we can invite twenty children. What with the NCT kids, plus family friends and nursery/school friends we had 19.

So we have a bit of a quandary about whether to invite the other 2 DC from the NCT. One of the mums I just don't get on with and never have. We're pleasant enough to each other but I can't bear more than five minutes with her. I've seen her three times this year, my DS doesn't know her DS from Adam. She does make a bit of an effort to meet up though and has recently been saying to other party mum she feels left out of the group so other party mum has invited her.

The last NCT mum is a lovely woman, very pleasant and we've always got on. She's very child centred and doesn't drive so often finds it hard to get to meet ups. She's frequently very very late for things turning up as we're leaving which can be awkward. I've seen her three times this year and each time she's been well over two hours late. Another friend hosted a party a month ago and she turned up fifteen minutes before the end. Each bday party she's turned up half an hour or so before the end. As it's turned out she's now going to be the only NCT mum not invited. I feel bad about this as she's lovely but again, my DS doesn't really know her child and I'm reluctant to spend a tenner on an activity I know her child won't get to do as she'll be very very late.

So AIBU to leave one out? We see her so rarely (and she never ever initiates meet ups) I'm not sure how bothered she'll be but not sure whether to approach her first and explain or just leave it? I don't like leaving people out. I have one left to RSVP and if they decline I could invite left out Mum but I can think of ten other children my DS would rather see.... Just don't know. help!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Nov-15 21:12:29

I would invite her, I could not bare to leave one out. You haven't given reasons why you do not like her. She does not sound nasty, or bullying. Mabey she is shy, and senses yiu don't like her. Mabey she is not good socially, hence her telling others she feels left out.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 26-Nov-15 21:13:57

Thanks for reminding me of one reason why I didn't bother with NCT classes.

tobysmum77 Thu 26-Nov-15 21:16:20

Why not invite the 5 and leave out the other 3?

DisappointedOne Thu 26-Nov-15 21:16:24

There were 6 of us at ours. After a year 2 dropped out and another joined. 2 of the 5 have moved away but the kids are still close (now 5). We all meet up every month and more often for the local ones. The 2 that dropped out are never invited. They weren't interested then so I doubt they are now.

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:16:52

Sorry, despite writing a bloody book I still haven't got my point across! Mum who I don't like IS being invited, other party mum is using one of her invites to ask her. So it's nice mum who is being left out, but purely because a)we never see her and she makes no effort to initiate seeing us, all the times we see her are initiated by me or others and 2) she'll just be drastically, drastically late and her kids place at the activity will be totally wasted.

We've also got no spaces left now unless my outstanding RSVP declines.

MrEverything Thu 26-Nov-15 21:17:14

Yep YABU to leave her out.

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:19:15

Sheba, we've had three good years of support and friendship... And as life goes on, people move, make other friends, the last year some of the friendships are drifting. I think that's normal however you meet but I would say how pleased I am to have met all these women and how glad I am I did antenatal classes!

KenDoddsDadsDog Thu 26-Nov-15 21:19:33

I couldn't leave one person out , late or not .

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:19:41

So what shall I do MrEverything?

lalalonglegs Thu 26-Nov-15 21:20:02

Invite her and tell her it starts 90 minutes earlier than it does. Problem sorted.

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:20:39

Our children just don't each know other though and she never ever initiates a meet up... Do I really have to spend a tenner for her child to not do an activity?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Nov-15 21:22:06

I woukd invite her, I coukd not leave one of a friendship group out. Or don't invite tge ones you don't see understanding of NCT is that it's about the adult friendships, not kids.

timelytess Thu 26-Nov-15 21:23:07

Please invite everyone. Its very hurtful to be the person left out.

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:23:52

That was definitely true at the beginning Aero but now all the other kids (except those of the three mums we don't see much of) are friends of my DS. They're four so they know they have friends and who they like playing with.

LonelySatsuma Thu 26-Nov-15 21:24:48

How would you feel if it were you? Yes, invite her.

Unreasonablebetty Thu 26-Nov-15 21:24:52

It's £10 FGS

unicorn501 Thu 26-Nov-15 21:24:49

You say you like her. You know if she is left out she will be hurt... She'll see the photos on FB/hear about it from someone else. For me, yes that would be worth a tenner. But maybe next year just stick to school friends, that's what tends to happen anyway.

whois Thu 26-Nov-15 21:25:05

I'd invite her given you do actually like her.

BrandNewAndImproved Thu 26-Nov-15 21:25:35

I wouldn't leave just one person out.

Ring her and invite her, explain it's an activity and ask if her dc would like to come. If she doesn't drive and it's a pita to get to she will probably decline the invite but at least you included her.

Polyethyl Thu 26-Nov-15 21:25:36

Please people, get a grip! It's not the end of the world to not invite someone you rarely see and are not close friends with!

lalalonglegs Thu 26-Nov-15 21:26:00

Jesus, it's a tenner, just spend a little less on going home tat. You clearly don't want to invite her so why are you asking us?

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:26:41

On here I often see posts saying how little tolerance people have for friends who are late. And they give it fifteen minutes and they leave, or they curtail the friendship etc.... I cannot convey to you how late this mum is every single time. I'm talking actually hours and hours. I'm actually pretty tolerant on this but I can't square having to spend a tenner for her not to come until 90 minutes into a two hour party.

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:28:14

Cos it's a waste lala. It's a waste of my money. If my DS knew her child, or she made more effort, or she was actually going to attend within a reasonable time then yes, but none of those things happen so I do begrudge it.

HTKB Thu 26-Nov-15 21:29:37

I wouldn't mind at all if it were me, BTW. Our children don't know each other, I know we like each other so I wouldn't mind at all.

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