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aibu ...mil strikes again

(663 Posts)
spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 19:57:35

Short back story: mil is very controling and manipulative but all under a 'helping you' facade, dh agrees most of time and sticks up for us. However since ds born (6months old) she has gone crazy buying everything (nice gesture i know), but ive never been able to choose anything.

Anyway, today me and dh went shopping, she rang and dh said where we were going as she was prying, she then invited herself along. We were going to buy a high chair, whilst we were choosing one, she went and bought one, right there and then, without saying do you like it (she got really cheap one that we didnt like - not that money is an issue but i wanted to choose as ive not chosen ANYTHING for my own son), when we went to checkout she just decided to come up to us and say oh ive bought it now.

Aibu to be a bit miffed that she didnt even let us have a say again? I know its a nice gesture to buy everything, but its becoming a joke as she will literally grab stuff out of my hand and buy her own! I have been avoiding letting her know what we are doing, and trying to distance ourselfs a bit (she lives 2 mins away and just turns up unannounced ) but she guilt trips and puts on the tears etc...i dont know what to do anymore! Moving away is not an option and dh has had words on many occasions. We get on as a family most of time, but i am far away from most of my family and surrounded by dhs family - i feel so ganged up on all the time ( it seems we disagree on every single aspect of child rearing...and mil and fil seem to have to give 'advice' all the time). Im so stressed ive developed alopecia!

SpanglesGalloway Thu 26-Nov-15 20:01:22

Did you not say 'oh no I don't like that one please return it and you can give us the money towards that one there which I like...' and if she was put out say 'ok keep that one for your house we will keep looking for ours...'

Did you tell her you wanted to get it yourself? Tbh if your not being vocal and just letting her get on with it yabu to expect her to change. If you have had a word with her before and asked her to change then yanbu

tibbawyrots Thu 26-Nov-15 20:01:54

Say "that's nice - handy to have another at your house" and then buy the one you want for your house.

coconutpie Thu 26-Nov-15 20:02:55

YANBU but why didn't you just go ahead and buy your own high chair regardless? If she bought one, just say that you are buying your own high chair so she will have to return hers. End of. If she kicks up a fuss get DH to deal with her. She's had her time to be a parent and buying stuff for her babies. You are entitled to do the same.

TheOddity Thu 26-Nov-15 20:09:31

No advice but my god that does sound grim thanks

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:11:34

Right there and then i said "oh me and dh were just choosing one" dh said "yes we didnt like that one" she she just said "well ive bought it now its paid for you dont need to get one" and tbh i was feeling pretty shit today anyway (no sleep and really dizzy for some reason) so i just said right ok. Dh said we will have that at hers and get our iwn...but it was "for ds xmas" mil announced confused. You know what im just at that stage now where i just feel so run down by them, and even though im shy i an being very vocal...its like they just totally ignore me and dh, seriously think this cant be solved without getting boarderline nasty

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:12:45

Plus i do feel shit if i was to buy 2 of everything as its not very ecological

Leeds2 Thu 26-Nov-15 20:13:58

Take it round to her house tomorrow, and say that the chair she bought is for use at her house. Then buy the one you want when she isn't in attendance. This would drive me mad!

mintoil Thu 26-Nov-15 20:15:27

When she invited herself along why didn't DH just say no?

You need far better boundaries with her OP and DH needs to step up and set these. No popping round unannounced please tell me she doesn't have a fucking key no inviting herself along and no prying and overbearing.

Failing any resolution, move 250 miles away -it worked for me grin

SirChenjin Thu 26-Nov-15 20:16:44

Anything she buys for your DS is now for her house - tell her you don't have room for the X you bought him and the one she bought him, but it's fine because he'll now have one to use when he visits her and then do a midnight flit and don't tell her you've moved

SirChenjin Thu 26-Nov-15 20:17:50

Crossed posts with the obviously very sensible mintoil grin

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:22:06

Minotil- he did originaly but she piled on the guilt (she doesnt drive, fil working and she said she needed to go to tesco, next to baby shop, to get food for her tea...she is also 'disabled' (hmm) and cant walk to shop to get stuff..hence why dh gave in as we didnt expect her to even bother coming into baby shop)

mintoil Thu 26-Nov-15 20:26:19

She can turn up at yours without a problem but cannot reach a shop? In that case you are definitely living too close to her - I am not even joking!!!

If she really is disabled and cannot drive, if you move then she will only be able to see you when you choose. Doesn't that make your heart sing OP?

La la la la la

Waffles80 Thu 26-Nov-15 20:26:32

Re. Alopecia. In no way minimising your stress - she sounds very stressful.

I could be completely wrong, but only mentioning it in case you didn't know - I had no idea!

But hair does tend to fall out rather a lot sometime after birth. Mine was around six months and I lost so much I went to my Dr.

All is well on that front now.

Please, please do forgive me if I'm totally wrong in saying this. Honestly, just mentioning it in case it's any reassurance at all.

Your MIL sounds a nightmare. DH needs to stand firm and totally agree with just buying your own stuff, and making her keep her own purchases in her own house.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 26-Nov-15 20:28:53

You'd need to get your H on board with this first but why not just Ebay everything she gives you that you don't want? And if she kicks up, say, 'I told you not to buy it, we don't want it, so we sold it.' And change the subject.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Thu 26-Nov-15 20:29:33

Sell it. Tell her you sold it, and will continue doing so to everything she buys. Simple.

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:30:44

Waffles- that is reasurring...i thought after 6 months it was too late for that? ( i did get tyroid checked and was all fine).

And re her arriving unannounced ..she gets bus (bus stop right outside hers) , moving is not an option - dhs work and we are skint.

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:31:03

I would bloody love to though!

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:32:39

I feel terrible as i love dh and ds but i actually feel like doing a runner as ive so had enough with inlaws

turquoisetoad Thu 26-Nov-15 20:37:08

Poor you OP. You really need to try and set some boundaries now and get DH to support you. If she carries on like this, resentment will simmer away and things will be likely to explode one day. Please don't be fooled by her wanting to help you all the time and don't let her guilt trip you. She actually sounds like she's very controlling and this is bound to make you feel undermined. Sadly I've been in a situation very similar to yourself and it hasn't worked out too well....

spillyobeans Thu 26-Nov-15 20:39:14

Oh dear turqoise..what happened?

mintoil Thu 26-Nov-15 20:39:33

OK, then you ignore her when she turns up unannounced. I have done this - you think it won't work but she only did it once!! I let her see that I was in but just refused to answer the door. She hammered and hollered and I ignored her.

You have to hold your nerve OP and keep telling yourself that it is your home and anyone, ANYONE knocking represents a request for access, not an unassailable demand to be let in.

Would DH tell her not to do this? If he isn't on board then you have a DH problem rather than a MIL one.

Waffles80 Thu 26-Nov-15 20:43:34

Mine definitely started coming out between 4-6 months. I lost loads.

Obviously check again with Dr, but just in case it's at all reassuring to know.

Wishing you luck with your MIL.

TheOddity Thu 26-Nov-15 20:45:19

I agree with Mintoil that it only takes a couple of occasions usually to really get the point across. The high chair is a great example, take to her house and say it really wasn't the one you were after, you're buying the one you saw and this will be great for their house. You don't have to buy two of everything, just two of that high chair to make the point that she shouldn't have jumped in.

And yes, breezing out of the house the moment she comes round unannounced. Only need to do that a couple of times in a row for her to get the message loud and clear.

You do have to be rude and abrupt to people who won't take a hint sadly sad but just try it a couple of times and I bet you find it so empowering!

This was me, about 3.6 years ago (when DD was born). PILs used to turn up literally every day, without checking if we were in or if it was convenient first. I became really depressed, almost paranoid, as I felt I was not even safe in my own home & they would call me/us incessantly if we went out, to track us down. I went from having a moderately good relationship with them, to loathing the sight of them. They still do it, albeit not every day, and they do bring something they've bought every single time they come, or when they occasionally look after DD (at their request). Our house is small & overstuffed with rubbish they've given us, they are the most horrific hoarders & I am trying to get DH to escape the hoarder mentality.

It's utterly destroyed my relationship with them, DH & I nearly broke up when DD was a couple of months old due to the stress I was under (never having any privacy or respect for my needs) & I have gone from wanting 2 or 3 children, to giving DH the ultimatum a couple of years ago, that we are never having more kids until we've moved a really long way away. Which might never happen.

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