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DD won't let Grandpa attend baby group

(222 Posts)
HurtGranny Thu 26-Nov-15 14:20:49

My DD attends a wonderful mother and baby music class with 1 year old DGD. DD took me to one class a few weeks ago and it was magical - unlike anything available to me when I was a new parent.

I wanted to go again and take my husband as he would so enjoy watching our DGD. But DD is suddenly excluding us. Apparently "the other mums would feel uncomfortable having a strange old man glaring at them from the sidelines and not participating in the singing".

We are ever so sad that DH is missing out on such a wonderful part of DGD's childhood and that DD is being so unkind.I suggested that it sounded like she was embarrassed of her father but, surprise surprise, she didn't reply.

It's not the first time DD's excluded us. We do most of the driving to visit DGD as according to DD the baby gets travel sick. We've never even babysat DGD as DD thinks we are too old (DH is nearly 80 but I’m not!). Coming to watch the baby group would have meant the world to us. I tried everything I could to come up with a solution but DD is now refusing to discuss the matter.

I am so angry and hurt. AIBU to want to make DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is? Any other grannies out there being excluded from their grandchildren’s lives?

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 26-Nov-15 14:23:38

Could it be the case that bringing grandparents / outsiders is frowned upon by the Group and she only found that out after bringing you?

Maybe she is concerned that it would become a regular occurance and she doesnt want that?

Maybe her dd does get travel sick?

Maybe she doesnt want to burden you with childcare or doesnt feel ready to leave dd yet?

Gileswithachainsaw Thu 26-Nov-15 14:26:34

That's so sad.

families are made up in so many different ways. surely no one finds it odd that a grandad would be there confused

Morro Thu 26-Nov-15 14:26:22

It's a baby group class not a school assembly! If she has said its not suitable then it's not suitable. You need to get over this before you push her away. You both sound controlling tbh.

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 26-Nov-15 14:27:16

Also, I dont read the examples as ypu being excluded from the babys life, more that you are not being included in every bit of the babys life, which is vastly different.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 26-Nov-15 14:29:01

I'm really sorry you feel this way but YABU.

Your husband would be out of place, and the title of the group is "mothers and babies", not " extended families " and babies. You need to back off or your DD will really start resenting you.

My DD is 5 and I have never left her with my parents/PILs. She is not excluding you, but she is babies Mum, not you.

queenmools Thu 26-Nov-15 14:28:41

I have no words of wisdom for you but I think it is lovely that you want to go along. My mum and dad used to take my son to a music group when he was little and most people loved to see a grandpa there. My dad and son have a great bond. Now I have a daughter too and no longer work I often take my parents along to things and it has keep them young. They have made lots of friends too, I think your daughter is being silly and acting like a teenager. I have no suggestions for how to help though,

MytwinisMilaKunis Thu 26-Nov-15 14:29:25

It is a mother and baby group. I would think it odd if a parent brought their parents tbh so I can see why your daughter is not willing. 99.9999999% of grandparents will never be invited to a mother and baby group so no need to feel hurt.

outputgap Thu 26-Nov-15 14:30:03

Oh, hurtgranny, you need to think strategically about your long term relationship with dgc and your daughter and really really chill out about an accursed music group.

Does it really mean "everything" to you? More than the prospect of a quiet happy Christmas visiting dgc and your daughter, your daughter trusting you to have her back, the prospect of many many future trips to the park, playing bubbles in the garden? Do not overreact about some singing shite when the baby is one year old. It will do none of you any good in the long term.

Whatevva Thu 26-Nov-15 14:30:24

Maybe the other members of the group do not like being watched. It is not a performance.

ricketytickety Thu 26-Nov-15 14:32:36

Baby groups are often as much about mum socialising as it is for the baby - so to her it might be like having her dad round her friend's house or out for the eve with her and friends. I'm not surprised she doesn't want him there. I'm sure she meant no malice and I'm sure he'll get over it.

And the baby might well get travel sick, in which case it's only fair you travel to her.

I don't think what you are saying is her excluding you, it sounds pretty normal to me. You sound like you want to be more involved, but I don't blame her for wanting her own things like baby club.

Hatethis22 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:32:42

This can't be for real. You'd get your ass handed to you (very politely) on Gransnet for this.

LeaLeander Thu 26-Nov-15 14:32:47

Would she be willing to video it on her phone for your DH to see?

NoSmileToday Thu 26-Nov-15 14:37:29

MN is a funny place isn't it. Your DD invited you along and you enjoyed it and thought it would be lovely for grandad to enjoy it too and now you are the controlling ones according to some posters hmm

OP I think your DD is overreacting. You sound like lovely grandparents who want to be part of your DGC childhood. You need to let this go as she won't change her mind. Are there not other groups or activities you could take DGC to?

sparechange Thu 26-Nov-15 14:39:36

Is your DH her father?
Is there any strain in their relationship?

Booyaka Thu 26-Nov-15 14:39:59

Well, I'm with your DD in as far as attending the baby group goes. Going with your Mum as a one off is okay, but turning up en masse with your family effectively being spectators is a bit weird tbh. Also, she will just be finding her feet as a new mother and will be building up new friendships and this is her space and her group, I could understand if she felt you'd cramp her style.

Re babysitting, you might be surprised how much energy it takes! Plus, if her Dad is in his 80s how much time do you spend looking after him?

But she shouldn't have referred to her father as a 'strange old man'. That was horrible and you should pull her up on that.

But really, you're not actually being excluded are you? Your daughter has just put some boundaries in place and is asking you to respect them. With the nicest will in the world, you do seem to have overreacted a little to this. Do you think perhaps now she has her own baby she is feeling the need to assert her independence a little bit?

It does sound like you are seeing quite a bit of your DGD so I wouldn't worry too much about one class. But I fear if you push this you could end up causing problems which may mean your daughter pulls away further.

lostInTheWash Thu 26-Nov-15 14:40:34

Not all groups are welcoming to wider family or more than one or two adults with one child - there can with some be space issues.

It could also be that it's harder for her to interact with other mothers with you and her Dad there. Sometimes your looking to widen your support network with new friends at same stage of their lives - sometime you just want to talk to other parents about issues without input from families.

Babysitting could be for a variety of reasons bf, not wanting to leave baby yet. I didn't leave my DC with GP for a long time because they wouldn't listen - there were safety issues they refused to address and weren't supportive around feeding issues. They had to wait till we could trust them when they stopped dismissing the food allergies- it wasn't their age mid 50s but their attitude. They did in the end get it and then we could trust them.

I did come to resent the pressure up to that point though.

As long as you are still seeing the GC - I don't think you are being excluded as such.

Morro Thu 26-Nov-15 14:41:39

NoSmileToday, it was me who said she sounded controlling. Not for wishing to bring him, but the ridiculous over-reaction to being told it wasn't suitable. She is calling her own daughter unkind and hurtful ffs.

TheVeryThing Thu 26-Nov-15 14:42:52

Missing out on a wonderful part of her childhood? I think this is a huge over-reaction, really.
It is not the norm to have extended family members at baby groups and I don't blame your dd.
After all, it's a class, not a performance!

My parents have very close and loving relationship with both my dcs, having looked after them 1 day per week since they were 6 months old, and I would still find it very odd if my Dad wanted to attend a baby group with me.

You need to get a little perspective here and make sure that you don't end up harming your relationship with your daughter.

Wheretheresawill1 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:44:45

You sound p over involved. Your post is all 'poor me'. Please get some hobbies

Gottagetmoving Thu 26-Nov-15 14:45:12

You need to get over this before you push her away. You both sound controlling tbh

Here we go again,...'controlling'!!
It is not controlling to want to see your Grandchild in a baby class. It is not controlling to want to babysit.
If anyone wants anything, some Mumsnetter will claim it is controlling. FFS!

This is a family. Grandparents love their grandchildren. I would hate to be related to these people who see everything as controlling.

Wheretheresawill1 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:47:49

Ps I can't think of anything worse than having to attend one of these groups- they are hardly the cornerstone of childhood. I can understand a nativity play but not this

Hoppinggreen Thu 26-Nov-15 14:47:28

I have no issue with my mum and stepdad or even the in laws but I would not have wanted them to come to a baby group, it changes the whole dynamic and it was as much about me making friends as my child ( more so if they are very small babies)
Your DD allowed you to go to one, be grateful for that and suggest you all do something else together instead.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 26-Nov-15 14:48:00

In all fairness, some mothers at toddler groups do look askance at men being present - it doesn't make it right, especially as sometimes fathers are the primary carers - but it does happen. And if there are any mothers there who have bad history with men, then it will probably put them off going again if men turn up.
Again, not saying it's right but it does happen.

And I'm sorry, but your needs do not trump the needs of the actual mothers of the toddlers, who need to feel ok to be there.

So you are being somewhat thoughtless and selfish yourself, because you are not thinking of the bigger picture, only of your and your DH's needs.

Do not alienate your DD over something that may not even be in her control. Just arrange to see your DGD elsewhere.

Re. the babysitting thing - well, I guess your DD is concerned that you might leave your DH to look after her DD by himself, and at 80ish, that may well be too much for him. She's got to think of both her DD, and you both, in terms of stress and upset.

So - take a step back and look at this from outside perspectives.

ofallthenerve Thu 26-Nov-15 14:48:59

I was thinking the same as sparechange really as it is a bit odd she was happy to have you but not her Dad... Do they have a good relationship normally?

I had my DMIL (my DM is deceased) at a baby class once and she loved it. I'd have happily brought my Dad too if he ever wanted to go. FIL too I guess but can't imagine him wanting to! I think one "extra" person per class would be my preference though, otherwise I'd just be a bit embarrassed for some reason, like we were on show. Could your DH go alone with DD and DGC?

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