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to be upset my DP hasn't got my DD anything for her birthday?

(101 Posts)
Sheusedtobesomeonelse Thu 26-Nov-15 09:21:56

Never braved AIBU before.. but am quite het up about this so i’d appreciate an outsiders view.

I have been with my DP for a little over a year, he knows my 2 DDs quite well and also knows that birthdays in my house are a big deal, as is Christmas and easter.
DD1 is always on about her birthday as she always thinks she’s hard done by having to wait all year (we all have summer birthdays, apart from her)and then it being close to Christmas! I can understand her reasoning, even though I don’t agree with her being hard done by!

On Monday she will be 9 – when my DDs are with their dad for occasions like this (50/50 parenting) we celebrate the Thursday before. So today was the day that she was having her birthday with me.

My DP has no money left – he had an unexpected tax bill in October which left him short – and so hasn’t got anything DD1 for her birthday (his credit card didn’t go through on Sunday trying to put petrol in his car). He is not generally tight with money but not overly generous as he can’t really afford to be.

I am actually very upset for her and know that when she has her tea party tonight with my mum she will be “expecting” a little something from him (he got DD2 rollerblades when it was her bday in July), she might ask me but probably will not say anything directly to him, which will save him the discomfort of having to reply. She is quite shy and hates confrontation and has been brought up with manners (I hope!) so she knows asking for presents is a no-no. But i know she will be thinging about it. This morning he said he felt bad and would get her something “later”. AIBU thinking when your 9, 3 weeks later isn’t quite the same. (double standards I know as she has 2 birthdays as it is). In the coming weeks she is away on a trip and then with her father, which means it wont be possible to re-do a bithday bash before then.

I start getting birthday/Christmas things in the summer and do it all through the year to avoid having to pay for it all in one go as I can’t afford much anyway (even though this year she is being spoilt enough by me as she got a kindle, a lego set and some CDs). He has no children so I can understand that forward planning regarding birthdays and things is a little abstract to him. But still. I’m so upset for her. I'm thinking what message does it send out to my DDs, caring for them etc. AIBU? A nice card would be something as DD keeps them all and often brings them out and looks at them in the year (.. helps with the waiting!!).

For the record, he earns a little more than I do and we don’t live together so still have separate mortgages and stuff.

I left my exH for many reasons. His lack of implication in the family/planning/issues with money were amongst them.

OurBlanche Thu 26-Nov-15 09:27:14

Woah! Take a deep breath. That sounds like you are having a bit of an overthink!

You make a big deal of special days, you start buying early, you have had issues with a previous relationship... you

He has no kids and is new to all of this and has had a bit a money mare!

Buy a little thing for him, he can pay you back when he next gets paid. This will be her first birthday with him in her/your life, he isn't in your birthday groove yet. Don't tar him with the same brush as your ex, not just yet anyway smile

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 26-Nov-15 09:27:52

I think you're being a bit unfair as it was an unexpected bill. Presumably he would have got something if that hadn't cropped up.

He's set the bar though by buying your other daughter roller blades (which tbh after six months he was not only invited to attend her birthday but also bought a present!) and should promise something for the future.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 26-Nov-15 09:28:29

Oh yeah that's a good idea - you cover the cost for now.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Thu 26-Nov-15 09:29:23

Why don't you lend him some money?

mommy2ash Thu 26-Nov-15 09:31:51

You are really over thinking this

dementedpixie Thu 26-Nov-15 09:36:04

FGS either get a gift on his behalf and he will pay you back or lend him the money to buy something and again he will pay you back. Stop making it into a bigger deal than it is

FellOffMyUnicorn Thu 26-Nov-15 09:35:55

"My DP has no money left – he had an unexpected tax bill in October which left him short – and so hasn’t got anything DD1 for her birthday (his credit card didn’t go through on Sunday trying to put petrol in his car). He is not generally tight with money but not overly generous as he can’t really afford to be."

Right - so he doesnt have any money for fuel but you want him to buy a present for your DD? I think YABU

If you want him to give her a gift then i think you need to either buy it for him (and going against the grain here, i dont think you should loan him the money either) or explain to your DD why he cant, because while 9yr old can be young, they should be old enough to understand if someone doesnt have the money then they cant spend it (if explained carefully)

Sheusedtobesomeonelse Thu 26-Nov-15 09:37:43

I knooow i'm overthinking this.
I know the problem is coming from me. I havent got enough money to lend him otherwise i def. would have. I only have 60 euros left in bank account and need to put petrol in the car. That is also upsetting me!

(the unexpected bill is unexpected as in its always sent out in October.. he thought last year he 'd got it put on a monthly direct debit, but hadnt.).

I prob do need more perspective (but i'm still upset!).

SaucyJack Thu 26-Nov-15 09:37:54

Why don't you just put from you and boyfriend on the label of the presents you've bought?

Blu Thu 26-Nov-15 09:38:07

Wow!
What do you expect him to do if his credit card is getting declined? And why would he need to plan in advance if the bill was unexpected!

He bought into your 'big deal' over birthdays and was VERY generous in getting your other Dd a big present.

It is a difficult situation now: he isn't their Dad, his situation is not a reflection on his feelings for you, your dd, it is a practical problem with money.

I would talk to him about the envy between your dds over birthdays, admit that this is partly your doing by making things so high profile in your house, and ask if he would like you to get something on his behalf. I.e support your partner in this moment of financial difficulty instead of blaming him for not being able to do it all your way.

marmaladegranny Thu 26-Nov-15 09:39:49

At 9 your DD should understand that sometimes people have no money and cannot do presents - it is not fair but is life. I vividly remember when I was that age my DF being ill and not at work one Christmas. He and my DM sat me down and explained they would do their best but there would be no presents or treats that year. The 'Christmas tree' was laurel branches from the garden with decorations - and I still remember it!
Explain to your DD!

Sheusedtobesomeonelse Thu 26-Nov-15 09:40:13

Yes, my DD knows that nowadays we have to be more careful with money than before, she understands that. Probably the first lesson our divorce taught her.

dementedpixie Thu 26-Nov-15 09:40:48

If neither of you have any money then stick his name on the presents you have bought. He can always make up the lack of present when he has money again

Lozza1990 Thu 26-Nov-15 09:41:25

I wouldn't be upset if it's a one off, I still leave present buying till last minute, it's just a personality thing. We are just not as organised as you!

goggleboxismygod Thu 26-Nov-15 09:42:25

I find this a bit selfish really - you are upset because your DP, who doesn't have children of his own, didn't buy your child a present despite the fact that you admit he hasn't really got much money.

You don't even know if your DD is upset - you just think she is because you think she is too shy to tell you. Don't put words into her mouth or she will come to expect things.

If it bothers you so much, just buy her something small and let him pay you back later.

Fizrim Thu 26-Nov-15 09:45:20

If he gives her a present in a few weeks, you don't have to re-do the birthday bash for that - she gets two birthdays as it is.

So you knew from October that he had no money? And you have no money either? But you don't want to add his name to the presents (or even one of them) that you have bought? Yes it's nice to get presents on (or before, in this case) your birthday but I think at 9 she could wait a few weeks, especially as they sound busy ones.

Sheusedtobesomeonelse Thu 26-Nov-15 09:45:25

Yes, i would love to be able to support him financially. But i'm not in a position to.

You're all right, i know.

MrsJayy Thu 26-Nov-15 09:45:43

Give him 1 of your presents to give her not everybody is so forward planning as you im not meaning this badly but she is not his dd so he probably didnt think in october ooo its her birthday soon must organise a present,

thats ok though a lot of people dont plan like you do give the guy a break its not his fault you make a huge deal of birthdays he had a bill to pay and he is skint

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Nov-15 09:46:50

Op calm down, your partner is skint! Why don't you get her something on behalf of him then!

Sheusedtobesomeonelse Thu 26-Nov-15 09:47:01

Yes, i totally admit that this is upsetting me more than her. She might be unfaxed by it - I hope so!

Branleuse Thu 26-Nov-15 09:47:51

I think it would be fine for your dd to be told that he will get her something when he gets paid.

I think it sounds like shes done pretty well for her bday already, and if you make a big deal out of birthdays xmas and even easter, then thats your choice, but you cant expect everyone to drop everything and get into debt for your dd. He couldnt even fill his car up

Ememem84 Thu 26-Nov-15 09:47:40

yep. overthinking. if it's that important to you can't you get something for him to give her?

EssentialHummus Thu 26-Nov-15 09:49:28

Given that he bought your other DD a gift, I think this DD will be rightly upset/bewildered that he hasn't done the same for her. I agree with PP - have him write a birthday card, and either make one of your presents from you both or (if finances allow) buy her something for him to pay you back when he can.

He may not (as you said) be in tune with planning for stuff like this, and obviously the tax bill was unexpected, but I think you need to emphasise to him that this matters - not the size of the gift, just thinking of your DD enough to get something - and that both DDs need to be treated fairly.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 26-Nov-15 09:49:11

As usual because nothing in life is ever black and white. I'm torn. Now looking at it through the eyes of a 9 year old child. It is black and white. And it is very unfair. Yes i know he had an unexpected tax bill and tgst had to be paid but a 9 year old wont reason with that and would you expect her to. All she'll see is the fact that he got her Dsis roller blades for her birthday but she gets nothing. And she'll be dead right It isnt fair. And I guarantee not to add to your troubles it will breed resentment. It's bound to and she will see it as Favouritism. What 9 year old wouldn't, so I certainly don't blame you for being upset. Every parent wants their children treated equally.
But looking from his side. He must feel pretty shitty himself. But if the money isnt there. It isn't there so I certainly won't make out he's the devil.
I do think though That is a great idea about you lending him the money to buy your DDS birthday present.

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