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To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

(303 Posts)
SlinkyB Thu 26-Nov-15 08:24:07

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema hmm Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella angry

MytwinisMilaKunis Thu 26-Nov-15 08:27:13


You are not his servant. He should absolutely contribute to the upkeep of the house.

snickers251 Thu 26-Nov-15 08:29:39

I've had the same row with dh many times except he doesn't think it comes hand in hand with sahm and apologises for being useless each time it comes up, promises to help more blah blah

I'm ill right now and this morning I walked down the the sink overflowing and pack lunches to pack. You'd think he could take ten minutes of his time to help out but no angry

SlinkyB Thu 26-Nov-15 08:30:35

That's what I said - it's his bloody house, he contributes the the dirt! He's home at 5.30pm every night (4.30pm) but he said "I'm hardly ever here". Whatever!

LetGoOrBeDragged Thu 26-Nov-15 08:32:51

Yanbu. You are a stay at home mum. The clue is in the name!

As a rule, I believe that you should do whatever needs doing while hebis physically at work and when he is at home, he should share 50/50 whatever jobs are left that need doing ie putting kids to bed or washing up after dinner etc.

At weekends, of course he should share the big jobs. This comes down to him thinking that earning money makes him more important than you. It is a fundamental lack of respect for you. He needs reminding that you being at home is saving a lot of money on childcare costs and makes his life a lot easier. He never has to take time off to cover sickness or school holidays.

Tbh, if he doesn't respect you, then you are purting yourself in a vulnerable position by sah. You might he better off returning to work.

IcecreamBus Thu 26-Nov-15 08:34:19

He's being an arse. It's hard enough to get the every day jobs done as a SAHM without factoring in big things. DH does his fair share. We've had periods where I've been in hospital for surgery, so he has a full understanding of what it's like. I don't think some partners understand that kids can be every bit as exhausting (if not more so) than working.

Wineandrosesagain Thu 26-Nov-15 08:38:51

So what does he expect you to do with his DC when you are doing all this cleaning? Stick them in a cupboard under the stairs so that you can clean up? He needs to spend some time in your shoes. Does he ever look after DC on his own and if so, does he do the cleaning too? He should clean at the weekend and let you go to the cinema! And getting home at 5.30 every day - blimey that's hours and hours of time for him to contribute!

Do you have any plans to return to work yet? Whilst he is currently reaping the benefits of you being at home and doing the bulk of everything there, he obviously doesn't realise that your work allows him to do his.

catfordbetty Thu 26-Nov-15 08:45:03

The total labour in your household is already divided in his favour. Of course he should take on some of these cleaning jobs.

Crazybaglady Thu 26-Nov-15 08:47:22

Constantly arguing with my partner about this.

But no YANBU

bloodyteenagers Thu 26-Nov-15 08:52:18

tell him straight. It's 50/50. You are not the maid. If he is too lazy to do his share then he can hire a cleaner.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Thu 26-Nov-15 08:54:36

As a SAHM I seem to have accepted all cleaning, gardening and DIY duties. It's fucking irritating but for the moment I'm sucking it up.

liquidrevolution Thu 26-Nov-15 08:55:50

Flip me. You do more now than I ever did on mat leave. Tell him to do one.

Your job during working hours during the week is caring for your children. It would cost more to put them in childcare so you could go back to work (unless you earnt mega bucks before children).

arethereanyleftatall Thu 26-Nov-15 08:58:39

When I was a sahm I always felt like I should be 'working' in some capacity when dh was at work, so between 9-5.
When my two were the same age as yours I would get two hours after lunch when little one was asleep (I don't know if you do). So, I would do a big job then.
Not saying you can of course as every situation is different.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Thu 26-Nov-15 08:59:44

So he thinks you can flash the bleach around a bathroom with a 22 mo underfoot while he watches a dino film?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

There are lots of answers to this problem including giving him a Christmas present in the form of a voucher for an outsourced oven cleaning company, but I am sorry that you are married to an unappreciative wanker.

cheapskatemum Thu 26-Nov-15 09:00:16

To avoid this argument (and it's one we've had often over the years) we have a cleaner. If you can find a good one, it's money well spent imo, but I know that in some areas they're like hens' teeth.


MumCodes Thu 26-Nov-15 09:02:58

I can see both sides. I'm currently a SAHM because I'm on mat leave, and to be honest I don't mind doing a few hours cleaning at the weekend to get a break from the kids. DH works fairly long hours, but does the school run so I don't have that to manage. He misses the kids and wants to spend as much time as possible with the three of them at the weekend.

Though our place is a lot smaller so doesn't take as much cleaning. We don't iron, DH does the bins, food shopping is all online so I do that while I'm feeding the baby, and I haven't cleaned the oven since DC2 was born.

Mintyy Thu 26-Nov-15 09:03:02

Yanbu at all. Childcare and cleaning are two different jobs - try asking a childminder or nursery staff if they'd like to come and deep clean your conservatrory!

If your dh lived on his own he would have to feed himself and wash his clothes and clean his batchelor flat. As it is he is already incredibly lucky to have someone willing to do his shopping, cooking and laundry for him. He is taking the absolute Michael if he thinks that means you should clean up after him too.

needastrongone Thu 26-Nov-15 09:03:25

Slinky Why the hell are you accepting this type of comment? I would have bloody lamped DH one if he had come out with such ridiculous twaddle. What did you say back?

This weekend, go out for the day. Stay out all day. Come back, ask him why he hasn't cleaned the fucking oven, given he was 'at home with the kids' all day.

It will only get worse if you don't fight back!!

AnnaMarlowe Thu 26-Nov-15 09:04:30

If you went back to work the two of you would need to replace you as SAHM with two people:

Childcare eg nanny, childminder, nursery


Even then there's still be shopping/cooking/banking/paperwork to be done.

Everythinggettingbigger Thu 26-Nov-15 09:10:00

Im not a SAHM I have a 4yo and I'm 4 months pg, I work 40 hours a week (he does 35) yet I still do 80-90% of the household chores, including the shopping etc too, bed time with my DS take on average of about an hour of fighting with him until he finally gives up, and he still doesn't sleep like a walking zombie most of the time......he thinks because he does more than what my friends partners do that makes him it doesn't......hes still lazy

you DH sounds like a complete ass......YANBU

BeeePeee Thu 26-Nov-15 09:14:05

Yanbu. He's being an idiot. But maybe he doesn't understand how hard it is look after a toddler and clean? Maybe you should go out all day leave him to do those big cleaning jobs whilst looking after a toddler and see how he manages.

Anotherusername1 Thu 26-Nov-15 09:13:56

Of course it should be shared equally.

But what is "deep cleaning" bedrooms? Or bathrooms for that matter? Every so often I put some bleach down the loo and clean the basin. From time to time I do a full clean including the surfaces and the shower.

Bedrooms get hoovered from time to time.

I get someone in to do the oven professionally.

Surely life is too short to do anything more than that? Maybe I need a cleaner. Maybe my house is a complete tip. But actually it isn't.

clam Thu 26-Nov-15 09:14:40

If you employed a nanny, they would "only" look after the children and do light household chores directly related to the childcare, i.e. preparing and clearing away the child's lunch, or tidying away their toys.

Technically, the same should therefore apply to you in your SAHM role, although of course it's not quite the same.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 26-Nov-15 09:16:34

I'm afraid your marriage is in trouble. Your H thinks you are his inferior, and that mindset poisons relationships. It becomes progressively harder to feel any affection, respect or desire for someone who regards himself as your boss/owner and sex soon becomes another chore you are expected to perform for his benefit.
It's not unreasonable for the SAHP to deal with bits and pieces of domestic work during the day, but the way to ensure the division is fair is to work out how much leisure time each partner gets. It should be the same for both of you eg one evening a week for a hobby or one afternoon off each at the weekend. If you are in a situation where he comes home from work and puts his feet up while you are still dealing with kids and housework until you collapse into bed, then this is not fair.

TBH if he won't listen when you talk to him about it my advice would be to start making plans to get rid of him now because he won't improve.

RoboticSealpup Thu 26-Nov-15 09:19:53

So you both work full-time - he out of the house and you at home, and then he thinks that in addition to working full time at home, you should also do all of the cleaning? How does he justify this stance? What arguments has he put forward? Because "cleaning goes hand in hand with SAH" is just his opinion, which you don't agree with.

It sounds like he doesn't think your work is as important or as valuable as his. So you have to make up for that by doing all the housework as well. Nice. hmm

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