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To consider divorce

(28 Posts)
GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 00:35:03

I posted in relationships, but thought it might get a few more views here and I am desperate....

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for 8 years total.

He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, but no real damage.

We have 2 children (3 and 2) with another on the way, due in 2 months.

Most of the time I can get along with my husband, but recently he has been screaming at me for the smallest things, making me cry daily infront of my boys and not lifting a finger to help with anything around the house, even though Im 7 months pregnant.

I get about 3 hours sleep most night because our 2 year old is autistic and has really bad separation anxiety from me so I need to be in and out of his room all night (most nights I end up sleeping in there) but then my husband demands I get him up for work, make his breakfast, get his work clothes out, make his lunch and drive him to the station (which is only a 10 minute walk from our house). Plus do all the housework, everything for the boys and everything for him. He literally does nothing, just gets home and sits on his laptop.

Every morning I am in tears from exhaustion and him bossing me around and blaming me for everything that he should be responsible for (forgetting his bank card, forgetting his train ticket - why didn't I put them in his bag?!).

I haven't worked since I had out first boy, have an autistic 2 year old and a newborn baby on the way so i don't know how I will cope financially if I was to leave.

I just want to do what is best for my boys. He earns a huge salary and I know he would keep every cent he could if we divorced. He said he would even quit work so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

I am in tears every day and don't know what I should do.

Please help.

ColdTeaAgain Thu 26-Nov-15 00:41:32

You poor thing, this sounds just awful.

You need to leave him and I think you already know that really. I would bet my mortgage that he wouldn't actually quit his job, he is just threatening and trying to scare you.

What is best for your boys is to not grow up in an environment where they think it's normal for a husband to make their wife cry daily.

You need to leave and it will be ok flowers

reni2 Thu 26-Nov-15 00:44:14

flowers I don't say this often, but LTB, this is a dangerous man. See a solicitor and gather your paperwork. Whatever will be, it will be better than this. You will get some assets, but right now your safety and that of your DC is more important.

Booyaka Thu 26-Nov-15 00:47:56

Fucking hell. I never say LTB either, but that is awful. Please leave him.

Ohfourfoxache Thu 26-Nov-15 00:53:26

Ho. Ly. Fuck.

No, don't consider divorce. Just do it. It really, really doesn't need any consideration thanks

Seeyounearertime Thu 26-Nov-15 00:58:01

Find someone tonspek to in real life and try to be of this situation ASAP.
I would also suggest stop doing so much for the manchild, he may get angry though, if he does, call then police and report any threat, any violence etc.

dontcallmecis Thu 26-Nov-15 00:59:56

You're pregnant? Are you in the UK?

Your midwife should be asking you questions that should allow you to be opening up and telling her what is going on. Please say something. When is your next appointment?

You know this isn't normal. But you don't know exactly how bad this is. I can tell because you say things like:

"He has always had anger problems and in the past he has hit me, but nothing physical in the last 6 months. The last thing he did was throw a toddler bike at my leg which caused a massive bruise, *but no real damage.*"

You're minimising what he's done. He has done you real damage. My partner hasn't hit me in the entire 15 years we've been together. That should be the minimum standard. Love, 6 months without being hit is not a win.

Where is your family? Let me guess, he's isolated you from them? Or you don't have a good relationship with them? You don't have friends you can turn to?

howtorebuild Thu 26-Nov-15 01:01:14

Yanbu. flowers

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Thu 26-Nov-15 01:03:43

This is why the benefit system is for.

You will get income support as a lone parent is £73.10
Child benefit will be the same as you are getting now
Then child tax credits.
Then you will probably get help with rent and council tax.

Do you get DLA for your son if not apply for it. If awarded you will get extra CTC.

Women aid will be able to assist you in getting out safely, but you could do it when he is in work. Just make sure you take all documents and birth certificates with you.

Ouriana Thu 26-Nov-15 01:08:56

Please leave this man.

At seven months pregnant I would usually say stay, at least for the help and support and sharing night feeds this bastard is not helping, worse he's acting like another child you need to look after.
Your dc are already witnessing the damage he does and as others have said leaving you bruised is damage.

In your situation Id be tempted to stop doing anything for him, when hegets mad call the police and get him out the house. As your married he will have to continue paying the bills at least in the short term and I live on tax credits, it honestly is not that bad.

Please please make an appointment with a health visitor and be honest about the situation, they really have seen it before and will be in a position to help you flowers

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 01:45:27

Thank you so much for your advice.

Writing it all down actually made me realise how bad it really is.

I am in Australia, but was in London for 8 years prior to moving back so have lost contact with most of my friends (they all hate him). He won't let me see my mum when he is around because he doesn't like her and she works full-time so I basically never see her. I don't have any other family. I feel totally alone.

I am not getting monitored by a midwife, I am having doctor lead support because I am high risk (I have had preeclampsia with both my other pregnancies) but I did get a questionnaire when I went to the hospital for my ob appointment and basically lied on every question they asked about abusive relationships.

He will not lift a finger to help once we have had the new baby so I don't need to worry about that. He will just make it harder for me because he is like looking after another kid sad

I am going to call some family lawyers and find out what my options are.

groovergirl Thu 26-Nov-15 02:16:28

You are right, GMV -- this is really, really bad.

However, now that you are no longer denying the reality of it, your mother and friends might be sympathetic and give you a hand. As a start, I suggest you see both a lawyer and your GP, or whoever is giving you primary medical care in your pregnancy.

I am in Australia too, and am in the process of divorcing an utterly ghastly man who also tried to alienate me from my family, screamed at me over minor matters such as a plastic cup falling off the table, and basically expected me to support the household while he shovelled money into his first wife's pocket. Oh, and now he "forgets" to pay even the pitifully meagre amount of child support I ask of him.

Under Australian law, a child is entitled to be supported by both parents. If hubby quits his job to spite you, it will have unpleasant consequences for him in court. I think he's trying to wind you up, and this is another aspect of his abuse of you. As you will have three children to rear on your own, you have a strong case for retaining the family home -- if you want to stay there.

As for that questionnaire that you say you lied on, please do come clean and answer those questions honestly.

Chin up, possum. It sucks, and you have a tough time ahead, but it will be better.

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 02:50:38

How can I stay in the family home without working though? We have a massive mortgage and I know he will refuse to pay it if he isn't living here. Can a court order him to pay it? My autistic son would definitely benefit from staying here and it is one of the reasons I am so unsure about leaving. I can't even take my son to the shops without him having an anxiety attack.

Tootoofunny Thu 26-Nov-15 03:13:59

So here' a website with national and state helplines.

The folks on relationships are super supportive and can help you with how you may need to prepare

Also take a look at the abc iview 'hitting home' from Tuesday night.

You are not alone.

Please give me a PM if you're in Sydney

Sorry I'm not very conversational

Tootoofunny Thu 26-Nov-15 03:15:12

m.whiteribbon.org.au/finding-help

CheerfulYank Thu 26-Nov-15 03:29:42

Oh honey.

Leave his sorry ass. You can do this.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 03:30:21

Also on the Relationships board: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2516476-I-dont-know-what-to-do

One step at a time, OP. Open up to your health professionals. Use the police to remove him from your home if necessary, and instruct a shit hot lawyer to sort the finances.

As I understand it, some Aus states provide generous (compared yo the UK) benefits and easily obtained affordable social housing (again, compared to the UK) to single parents, plus you may also be entitled to claim additional benefits for your ASD ds.

Should it eventually prove to be the case that you cannot stay in the marital home for financial or other reasons I have no doubt that, after a few months' respite from the stress and tension which is all he's experienced in his home environment since birth, your ASD ds will rapidly settle in a new home and you will be surprised at the extent to which both of your dc will thrive once the toxic twunt is no longer a constant presence in their young lives.

No matter how enamoured you may be of your current home, FGS don't sacrifice your happiness and that of your dc on the altar of bricks and mortar as they may grow to emulate your h and come to treat you with as much contempt as he does if you continue to stay with him.

groovergirl Thu 26-Nov-15 03:34:23

He may be ordered to continue paying the mortgage without living there if your home is judged to be the best place for your children to stay. As I'm not a lawyer, I won't presume to advise you on this. But there have been many divorces among my friends; I've seen the outcomes so I do know that the court will likely put your children's well being first. The fact that you have three small kids and one is autistic and suffers anxiety attacks away from home is a big thing in your favour. But do ask a lawyer about it.

Good website link from Tootoofunny. Have a look, then (ahem) remove it from your browsing history lest hubby be checking.

The ABC report this week gave a fair insight into how abuse situations develop in families. I recognised it; you might, too. The second part is on next Tuesday.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley Thu 26-Nov-15 03:52:38

He won't quit work. No way. if he's on a really good salary there's no way he's giving that up just to spite you. The men who do this tend to be men who earn very little anyway.

Starwar Thu 26-Nov-15 04:02:41

This sounds awful. Has he ever been violent with the children OP? flowers

AGapInTheMarket Thu 26-Nov-15 04:03:03

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope you find the strength to leave soon. You will have a much better life without him. I'm in Australia too and I really recommend getting the health care system involved. The hardest part is the start, once you've opened up you WILL be taken care of. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this is normal. You have the power to break the cycle of abuse here, so they don't grow up to abuse their future partners.
Lots of love and luck xx

GiveMeVegemite Thu 26-Nov-15 04:05:12

Thanks for the link to the website. I am also going to watch the ABC show when my little one has a nap.

I am going to get all my affairs in order and see a family lawyer next week. See what I am entitled to and what I can do for my boys. He has always said that he wants 50/50 custody but he has never even changed a nappy or done a night feed or wiped a bum so really don't think he could cope and would be really worried that he would get angry and take it out on them. My youngest, who is autistic won't even make eye contact with him....

Argh. Thanks for the support.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 04:31:42

Aw jeez. Can't any of these twunts come up with something more original than 'I'll demand 50/50 custody'? As if. He not only couldn't cope, he's far too lazy to want to be bothered with the demands of caring for young dc and if you plaster a delighted smile on your face and start pushing the '50/50? Great - I'll be able to get out and about socialising and staying overnight with friends' line, I suspect he'll drop that particular hackneyed ploy which is, yet again, intended to keep you in line.

Please dismiss any fears that he'll take his anger with you out on your dc as that's another bar in the door of the prison cell he's determined to keep you in, and there are ways in which the dc can be safeguarded as their needs will be regarded as paramount by the courts.

If he should make any threat against the dc don't hesitate to report it to the police immediately.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 04:52:29

I am going to get all my affairs in order and see a family lawyer next week

This isn't a simple matter of divorce/separation. You need a lawyer who has specific expertise in dv and are best advised to get recommendations from one or more of the organisations that specialise in dv and are shown on the various links that have been posted on your two ongoing threads here and on the Relationships board.

Ledkr Thu 26-Nov-15 04:55:13

Just wanted to add that I left an abusive relationship many years ago with one two yr old and was pregnant.
The relief at my new peaceful happy life far outweighed any concern about anything else.
It was fantastic!
Yiur life will be so much easier and happier away from this utter dickhead.
Well done for making the best decusion ever.

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