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To say this friend can't come round for Christmas

(122 Posts)
lastqueenofscotland Wed 25-Nov-15 21:13:15

Basically my ddad died 10 years ago. Since then Xmas day has ALWAYS been just my siblings and I and mum even now we are all "grown up" it's my favourite day of the year, pretty much the only time we get "just us" as a family. It can be a slightly hard time especially for mum, as they adored each other. As such we don't really rock the boat on the day.

A good friend of mine from school (so known her for around 15 years) mum moved abroad this year and she can't afford to go, her dad lives nearby but she doesn't want to go cause she doesn't want to spend Xmas with her step mum who "nags" because she is messy (she is)
She's asked if she can come to ours for the day (would be my mums house), Aibu just say no?

I'm worried it's mean but it's another person to cater for and tidy up after, and it messes with tradition we've all enjoyed for a decade.

OhBigHairyBollocks Wed 25-Nov-15 21:17:57

Say no. Think she is a bit rude asking really!

Waltermittythesequel Wed 25-Nov-15 21:19:14

Does she know about the tradition?

If so, I think she's being unfair to even ask.

It's not like she has nowhere to go.

Just say you're sorry but given that it's a particularly special FAMILY tradition, you won't be able to have her.

If she's a good friend she'll understand.

Clare1971 Wed 25-Nov-15 21:20:42

The trouble with traditions is they can end up being a straight jacket. It probably will have to change one day. Do you or your siblings have partners? Children? Surely things will change eventually anyway? So the real question is, do you want your friend there, or more importantly does your mum want her there since it's her house?

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 25-Nov-15 21:21:55

I had a friend as a teenager who had a horrible home life. She came to ours for Christmas, through to extended family with us on Boxing Day etc. We had traditions but we included and welcomed her. It felt better than any 'tradition' ever would. That was us though. My experience. Your situation is your own.

balletgirlmum Wed 25-Nov-15 21:23:47

I'd tell her that's it's not your place to say she can or can't come, it's your mums house.

MrsBalustradeLanyard Wed 25-Nov-15 21:23:34

Might it not be a breath of fresh air to have someone new join the celebrations? 10 years is quite a long time and I don't see quite what harm she would do. Would you really rather see her alone on Christmas Day?

Also agree with PP; what happens when you have partners and children?

BoboChic Wed 25-Nov-15 21:24:02

Just say no.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Wed 25-Nov-15 21:24:20

Can't she just be tidy for one day and then go to her dad's?

Why should your mum clear up her mess?

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Wed 25-Nov-15 21:39:20

Do none of you have partners? How do you envisage things working if you acquire a DH? Perhaps having your friend round this year would relax the tradition a little, before it becomes a straightjacket.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Wed 25-Nov-15 21:39:42

Sorry, xpost.

CloakAndJagger Wed 25-Nov-15 21:39:50

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want, but it's meant to be the season of goodwill and I've taken in waifs and strays over Xmas many times.

When my friends parents emigrated, we had her over for Xmas. When my friend got divorced, we had her over. More the merrier.

HeteronormativeHaybales Wed 25-Nov-15 21:40:32

Can see both sides of this <gets comfy on fence>.

You don't have to have anyone you don't really want there, and it was a bit inappropriate of her to ask, I think. But PP are right in that things will have to change eventually, and it would be very much in the Christmas spirit to have her (but I agree that your mum should get the final word).

I do feel sorry for her. Unless she is particularly close to your family, she must be quite unhappy and desperate to ask to spend Christmas with a 'strange' family, so whatever you do, do it with compassion.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 25-Nov-15 21:44:30

Oh I feel sorry for her. To have to ask someone to be invited for christmas. That makes her sound really quite lonely. Is she?

GruntledOne Wed 25-Nov-15 21:56:32

I strongly agree that you shouldn't assume that tradition is the be-all and end-all. We've traditionally had just a family Christmas for years, but a couple of years ago for instance DS asked if a friend of his could come as otherwise he was going to be completely on his own. We knew him well and really couldn't bear to think of him having such a miserable Christmas so invited him to come and stay for a few days, and it worked brilliantly; far from spoiling our family tradition, it enhanced it.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 25-Nov-15 22:00:42

That's all well and good but it's OP's mum's tradition, not hers.

I don't think it's for anyone else to decide it's unimportant or unnecessary to still have it ten years on. It's just horses for courses, isn't it?

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Wed 25-Nov-15 22:02:01

I agree with PP about traditions like this being too restrictive (although respect every family is different and tbh it's up to your Mum). We've previously welcomed at least 3 people living far from home, a lady with no family nearby and a whole family (nine people) who had recently suffered a bereavement and thought Christmas at home would be too hard that year. And it's been lovely. I think Christmas is all about being kind to other people, messy or not.

BarbarianMum Wed 25-Nov-15 22:04:24

Invite her or not, it's up to you. I disagree that it was unreasonable of her to even ask though.

unicorn501 Wed 25-Nov-15 22:04:28

I always just think the more the merrier... I'd hate to be alone at Christmas. Can't you ask your mum? You say it's a good friend, I would do that for a good friend. Perhaps just invite her for the evening so you still get some family time?

Spellcaster Wed 25-Nov-15 22:06:22

Defo ask everyone else especially mum, its their Xmas too. Agree regarding waifs and strays - that's how I met dh wink

MaudGonneMad Wed 25-Nov-15 22:07:58

Before your dad died, used you have other people there for Christmas?

I agree with other posters, it seems like a restrictive tradition that will undoubtedly change some day; why not now?

lastqueenofscotland Wed 25-Nov-15 22:09:33

Hmm thanks for the feedback. I think my biggest fear is asking mum - dsis lives in a lovely house quite far away (3 hours drive totally different part of the world) we suggested going there instead for the day and a few days either side. Which was met with the least negotiable no.

Re children my and my sis have partners who spend Xmas day with their families, maybe if there were kids it would change.

As others have said it's my mums "day" as it were. I will contemplate asking my mother.

whois Wed 25-Nov-15 22:10:34

If she's a good friend and your family would get on well why not be 'the more the merrier'?

To be honest if any of the people I consider to be close friends wouldn't have me happily for Christmas is be questioning how close we really were!

MaudGonneMad Wed 25-Nov-15 22:11:44

I think viewing Christmas as your 'mum's day' might lead to difficulties in future.

3luckystars Wed 25-Nov-15 22:12:28

Just say you have a chanty mass service or some weird religious praying thing all day and you like to re enact the crib scene before dinner and you all have parts assigned so she can't come.

Or else just say its a day when you all remember your dad and would prefer if it was just you and your family for dinner but she is welcome over that evening for a few board games and a snowball. (Which I think would be nice for everyone)

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