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to not invite one of DS 'friends' to his party

(33 Posts)
Bing0wings Wed 25-Nov-15 13:07:24

DS was gutted to find out that he had not been invited to party of a 'friend' at school. Two days before party a few other kids were talking about it at school and getting excited (selection of boys and girls). Friend lied to DS and said he hadn't sorted his invite out yet (but truth is that there was no invite forthcoming). DS was getting really excited about this party. I then had to tell DS he hadn't been invited cos he kept asking me over the birthday w/e why he wasn't going.
DS was gutted but put a brave face on it and asked me if I could buy a present for 'friend'. I said 'no' but if DS wanted to do a bday card he could. After the party date had come and gone, DS asked friend why he was not invited (against my advice) and friend said cos they didn't have enough spaces.
My view is that they can invite who they want. It's their party. I'm not saying they should have invited my DS at all.
However, DS birthday is coming up in Feb. He wants to invite this 'friend'. We are really, really short on cash at the moment and I don't want to pay for a child to attend who is not really friends with DS.
AIBU to not invite this 'friend' despite DS wanting to invite him?

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 25-Nov-15 13:10:00

Yabu. And petty.

biscuitkumquat Wed 25-Nov-15 13:10:10

Same thing happened with my DS quite recently.

I told DS the total number of children he could invite, and left it up to him to decide who he would invite.

How old is your DS?

It is so hurtful when your children aren't included, but it is a part of life, and these are lessons that they have to learn.

I would leave it up to your DS who he invites.

BabyGanoush Wed 25-Nov-15 13:12:27

Yes, yabu and petty

Don't teach your child to hold grudges

Let him invite the kids he likes

My DC don't get invited by everyone they invite, they know that is life and shrug it off

How okd is your DS?

Crunchycookie Wed 25-Nov-15 13:12:24

Petty as it is I would not invite this 'friend' either.

Bing0wings Wed 25-Nov-15 13:12:26

DS is going to be 7. Thank you biscuit. That's a good idea.

BarbarianMum Wed 25-Nov-15 13:13:16

Yes, you are. Very normal for small children to 'create' invitations (and sometimes whole parties) without checking with their parents. The child obviously wanted to invite your ds but party had limited numbers.

I always tell my children not to count on invitations til we've had one from the mum/dad. A hard lesson to learn but it saves heartbreak in the end.

knittedsoxer Wed 25-Nov-15 13:15:12

how old are children?

some may find it petty but i understand feeling protective of bruised feelings.

i think you should let ds choose who comes to his party, he will learn who his friends are as he grows up, but its a bit unfair to try and control who comes because of your own feelings

my ds was the only boy not invited to a party and he was hurt, but if ds insisted that this child came to his party i wouldnt try to change his mind

children dont get a lot of choice when young and its nice for them to have their views respected too

HaydeeofMonteCristo Wed 25-Nov-15 13:20:49

I agree with biscuit, let DS invite him if he wants. Leave it up to him, having given him a set number.

Yes it might rankle with you having to do this after DS was upset, but he should make his own choice, especially at 7.

I have had this with DD a bit, although not to the extent of friends talking about the party, making him think he is invited etc. Just knowing that some kids she want invite haven't invited her. I did end up asking her about one or two kids, do you actually play with X? To which she replied no, I just thought they ought to be invited. After which she changed her mind and didn't invite them.

Just limit the numbers to what you can manage and say, you decide who you would like there.

yankeecandle4 Wed 25-Nov-15 13:20:50

I can see your point. If financial constraints mean a smaller party then I wouldn't want to pay for someone that didn't consider my child a good friend over another child who did. If money was not an issue then I would invite him no problem.

I tell my children to remember their true friends and give them priority over people who may seem nice but aren't available for them.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 25-Nov-15 13:24:58

You know you're going to have to let your DS choose whether to invite the friend or not. But I don't blame you for not wanting him to be invited.

Bing0wings Wed 25-Nov-15 13:25:37

Thanks all. Good advice. I think that's what i need to do. Set a number limit. That way it's in his hands (as in who is invited) without me having to fret about cost.

TheoriginalLEM Wed 25-Nov-15 13:25:28

If it is genuine lack of space then fine, but don't be drawn into pettiness. If your DS wants to invite him then fine (and maybe his parents will feel guilty and bu an extra nice present).

TheNumberfaker Wed 25-Nov-15 13:29:43

Ask your son to make a list in order of priority and then invite the top 6/8/10 etc. that you can afford to invite. If this boy is within that number, invite him.
You don't want to teach your son a lesson in how to be petty at the age of 7, do you? That would BU!

TheNumberfaker Wed 25-Nov-15 13:30:43

Cross posts.

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 25-Nov-15 13:33:51

Yanbu to feel upset about this but your ds doesn't seem too bothered. I agree leave him to decide.

bluebolt Wed 25-Nov-15 13:40:34

I found at this age many parents have a set quota on who needs to be invited before the birthday child even gets a look in, it might have not even been the child's in questions choice.

CFSsucks Wed 25-Nov-15 13:42:55

I completely get how you feel. And am considering a similar dilemma for DCs upcoming birthday.

A boy in his class who he is very on/off friends with had a birthday a while ago. This boy told DS and 2 other boys they were going to be invited to do X and Y with him. It was also mentioned in a "you have to be nice to me or you can't come" way (this boy seems to clash with a lot of children and can be a bit difficult whereas most of them shrug it off and just get on with it). It was mentioned more than once. Birthday comes up, heard nothing from the mum. I assumed he wasn't actually doing anything. On the day we drove past their house (it's on a main road, not actually stalking) and there was a banner up, DS noticed. I just said nothing as I sort of forsaw this coming. It turns out there was a small gathering, not one of the boys were invited that this boy wanted and it was a couple of children that the mum herself is friendly with the family so I think she engineered it completely. I have long had the impression that she doesn't like DS (and I know she doesn't like one of the others and isn't overly keen on the 3rd boy) and this confirmed it for me. To me, hjs mums attitude is rubbkng lff on this boy and i see alot of hjs sneeriness is exactly how she is to others. Now DS did mention briefly about inviting this boy to his birthday but I'm not actually that keen given I know the mum will always engineer it so DS will never be invited to anything (and there have been quite a few social things recently, we are never included) and her DS can be quite mean but she won't have it. I've heard from a few parents about the things he says and ways he upsets the others but she is very quick to want to tell you what your child has been doing whereas we just don't say anything because kids will be kids at the end of the day.

These are a bit older so than yours OP but I'd reiterate what a pp said about considering who was a really good friend to him and making sure they had a space when there are limited numbers.

DS's best friend is quite mean and doesn't have many friends in the class. DS idolises him though so I have to suck it up tbh. It's a pain but I notice as DS gets older, he isn't taking it when his friend is mean to him whereas he used to. Plus this boy has lost friends and hasn't been quite so bad (afaik) so I a, hoping he is getting better.

It is hard when we can see things they can't see but unfortunately they do have to learn for themselves (much easier said than done though). I also don't think you are being petty.

HPsauciness Wed 25-Nov-15 13:43:58

I agree with everyone, set your limit and then see if this boy is included in the list.

My dd certainly did invite two children who didn't invite her to their parties one year, now she gets invited to theirs, even if small, so perhaps her strategy, of being open-for-friendship and not expecting tit for tat invites paid off!

SoWhite Wed 25-Nov-15 13:44:52

To which she replied no, I just thought they ought to be invited. After which she changed her mind and didn't invite them.

This stuck out as as very important to me, and mimics my kids' experiences.

Often kids feel as though they have to invite class personalities, because its expected, rather than the people they would prefer to have around them.

So OP, I'd let him choose - whilst making sure that he definitely is a friend.

Bimblywibbler Wed 25-Nov-15 13:47:01

Friendships are not always equal - there are always ones where one likes the other more than the other way round. DS may get his heart's desire by inviting this child. And the alliances change all the time.

Set DS a number limit but if you can, listen to his reasons for his choices too, and flex if he gives youa good enough reason. I like to check the decisions are kind ones - inviting random cool kids he aspires to play with can be ok, but only if it's not at the expense of excluding the children he plays with day after day.

diddl Wed 25-Nov-15 13:47:31

"My view is that they can invite who they want. It's their party. "

So apply that to your son!

Bing0wings Wed 25-Nov-15 13:54:34

CFSsucks oh dear that sounds awful. I do hope that the relationship with his BF gets better. Thank you for sharing with us.

mouldycheesefan Wed 25-Nov-15 13:57:41

It is not petty to not invite every child in the class to a party. In this case your son was not invited. That does not mean that he should not invite this child if he wants to.
My children have invited children who never even have parties and children who didn't invite them to their party. Similarly they have gone to parties of children they didn't invite to theirs.

You are taking this personally and there is no reason to.

In the issue of the child telling your son he was still sorting the invites, I appreciate this led to an expectation from your son he would be invited, but it is a very difficult social situation for a six year old when someone asks them whether they are invited or why they aren't. Many adults would struggle in that situation.

Don't be mean but if cash is tight just have a birthday tea at home.

Pico2 Wed 25-Nov-15 13:58:59

I'm not sure I'd worry too much about which parties he is invited to as there will also be parties later in the year that he is/isn't invited to. I'd be more bothered about their behaviour towards him and him actually inviting the most popular children as 'the done thing'.

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