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To not know how to feel and to ask if you can tell me how I should?

(12 Posts)
VulvaVoom Wed 25-Nov-15 11:45:35

This time last week I had just found out I was pregnant with no 2.

At the moment I'm on the sofa in pain after an emergency op on Mon to remove an ectopic pregnancy. My fallopian tube had already ruptured.

I thought, when I went to the EPU, that I was overreacting, turns out my worries were founded.

I don't feel very much and am not keen on talking about it. I'm sad and cried at first but not feeling 'connected' to it if that makes sense?

I worry that this is unhealthy as I have clinical depression and am concerned I'm kind of storing it all up. It was all so matter of fact when I knew I had to have the op, organise childcare etc.

So what can I do? How can I get over it in the best way?

Junosmum Wed 25-Nov-15 11:51:19

You feel how you feel and that is perfectly normal and fine. Your body is healing physically and probably can't deal with the emotional side of things at the moment, it'll take time to process everything.

A very unmumsnetty hug to you.

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up about feeling any way or feeling nothing. It will work it's way in time. It's also perfectly normal to feel down or depressed - if it starts to affect other areas of your life or goes on too long for you to manage then see your GP.

BestZebbie Wed 25-Nov-15 16:45:32

The feeling nothing is sometimes how your mind makes sure you survive a scary event - by not allowing distractions until you are physically through it. Then all the emotions come back (like the beach getting exposed before the tsnami comes back in). You may get a lot of emotions in a few days.

VulvaVoom Wed 25-Nov-15 21:19:23

Thanks Juno and I like the analogy Best. I try to feel sad about the baby but it's like I can't yet. I know it will come and I'm a bit scared. I laughed tonight at something on tv and felt terrible.

hopelesscook1 Wed 25-Nov-15 21:24:27

I had a miscarriage 2.5 weeks ago at 11 weeks. We have two DC. DH and I went out for lunch together twice that week and enjoyed watching films together in the evening. I was devastated but my coping mechanism was to keep going. I found that week easier in some respects than subsequent weeks. The week of the miscarriage I had endless friends contacting me and hospital appointments. Returning to normal life with a sense of emptiness has been hard. I read it could take a long time to get over the loss and that is ok - but it might not hit you for a while and then just now and again.

Hissy Wed 25-Nov-15 21:34:08

My love, huge hugs for you! How terrifying!

This is the reason you don't feel, it was a risk to your life. I felt the same when I had a Mc and haemorrhaged, it was so terrifying I could not think of anything else other than how close is come to losing my life.

I hope you start feeling better soon, be kind to yourself and rest up as much as you can.

Barmaid101 Wed 25-Nov-15 21:55:10

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, I found out when I was pregnant at 4+2 but never get excited, and I never felt pregnant. We had been trying I think it was 6+1 I started bleeding and I wasn't surprised, saw Dr and was told do do repeat tests in a week and then the week after. I have never mourned that pregnancy, and I didn't feel anything for it. I think my body knew it wasn't going to be successful so stopped me from getting excited. Not long after that got another bfp and tested early, felt pregnant and got excited.

I hope you feel better soon, just remember there is no right and no wrong feelings.

VulvaVoom Thu 26-Nov-15 16:56:40

Thanks for your kind and helpful comments.

I keep feeling flashes of anger and bitterness today. I can barely walk but tried a stroll round the shops, it was shit.

DH is doing everything and is tired, poor bloke.

I saw a woman with a small baby today and she was rolling up a fag. I wanted to shout at her. I also feel irrationally annoyed that other people had their 2nd easily.

I'm feeling like I can't go through this again, making DD an only child when she doesn't want to be sad

Werksallhourz Thu 26-Nov-15 17:46:41

You are probably in a state of shock. This is normal; it will take time to process what has happened to you.

I have far too much experience of the psychological impact of things like this (two preterm labours, leading to two stillbirths).

My advice would be ...

No alcohol or sodas for the foreseeable future.
Cut down on caffeine, or give it up completely.
Eat shit loads of veg: colours, leaves and cruciferous.
Don't eat processed food: foods with high sugar are a bad idea.
Get enough sleep: between 7 and 9 hours a night. If you feel tired during the day, nap.
Drink two litres of water a day.
Take a weekly epsom salt bath with lit candles.
Take a daily multivitamin.

Take time to relax. I find "mindfulness" meditation invaluable. If this isn't something familiar to you, look for a good accessible book to help you learn the principles.

Get moving. As soon as you are healed, start taking regular exercise. Swimming is good. Even just ten minutes on a stationary bike three times a week is a good thing.

Get into nature. Walk in a park. Get out to see grass and trees, and feel the wind on your face. It is a good idea to make time to be on your own in a nature environment, even if it is raining. This is a way to ground yourself and your body, and help your nervous system to become "unstuck".

Sing. Yes, I know this sounds weird. If a song you like comes on the radio, sing along. If you don't want to do this, you can tonal hum in the shower. For some reason, this works when your head starts to feel pressured and heavy.

Draw. Get a pencil and some paper and just doodle. It will get your head out of your head and into your fingers and eyes, iyswim.

I found I needed time on my own in the house. For some reason, I would get "stuck" if DH was in the house; when he left, somehow I could finally get out of bed and do things.

I also binged-watched boxsets on my phone in the evening with earphones in because it took me out of my head for a while.

Also, connect with new people. Join a club or a class where there are people you don't know and just smile and say hello. You don't need to "make new friends", you just need to connect with a smile.

You also need to do something that gives you a sense of your own ability to affect change. One of the problems with events like these is the sense of existential helplessness you can get, because something traumatic has happened to you that you had no control over. You need to counteract this.

One thing I will say is ... don't make any big decisions for a year. Don't decide to move to Jamaica, cut all your hair off, or change your name to Dave.

Another thing I will say is that I found that changing ritualistic patterns helped me. This is kinda against some advice, but I found it helped to "break the shell" of the shock. I started driving a different way to the supermarket, getting up at a different time, taking a shower at a different time, going to work on a different train, eating in a different place in the house.

I hope some of this helps. You can get through this. It will take time. Some days will be better than others.

Another small thing ... you will realise that you are a different person now. That the loss of your pregnancy in the manner in which it has occurred, involving surgery, has changed you as a person. Don't fight this. See it through the lens of new possibilities.


VestalVirgin Thu 26-Nov-15 18:23:56

I know that feeling. The only time I ever cried at a funeral was when I barely knew the person - the other times, I think I was too much in shock to process the emotions.

It's normal. Don't blame yourself. And do not blame yourself for not wanting to risk another pregnancy. Your daughter is not entitled to a sibling.

Maybe you will feel like you can risk it again a few years from now (from what I know, ectopic pregnancies are rare, it is unlikely to happen again), but if not, that's okay, too!


VulvaVoom Thu 26-Nov-15 18:25:11

Wow, thanks Werk. I will read and digest your post.

I was going to have wine this weekend, I already knew it was a bad idea but your post has reiterated that, thanks.

Bluetrews25 Thu 26-Nov-15 20:34:11

Lovely post, werk

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