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Sick of MIL

(100 Posts)
fizzingmum Wed 25-Nov-15 10:28:50

MY DP is close with his Mum and she helps him out with his DS, picking up from school etc. However she is constantly causing trouble between us, in the most innocent of ways and it is really pissing me off. I try to tell him but he just gets defensive. As an example at the weekend on Sunday we were all going out for dinner with his family and sister etc. His Ex called to say that DS had forgotten his coat and he would have to leave the meal and drive to the next town to drop it off. I objected as it would take over 2 hours and we had plans. I said surely she has another coat she can manage with until the Monday (when he was back with us). I thought Ex was just being awkward. Anyway MIL pipes up and says she will take the coat back as she wanted to see him anyway. All is fine. DS gets his coat and we don't have to spend 2 hours driving there and back. Cut to the Monday evening when MIL is dropping DS off after school. He comes in wearing a bright purple coat I haven't seen before. I ask MIL where it has come from and she says "I don't know, she sent him to school in it this morning". Im then fuming with his EX as it was clear she did have another coat, just wanted to be awkward. I tell DP this and he says, no you have it wrong. The purple coat is the spare coat that my Mum keeps at her house!! So why did MIL say it was from Ex's house? She knew I was mad about having to go over to the next town, and I think she did this on purpose so I thought ex was being awkward. Its an innocent enough lie in itself (although hard to justify and explain). But this is just one example of little lies she tells, quite deliberately to cause trouble. I find her to be really overbearing and interferes in the household parenting etc. I have told my DP he needs to address this but he is sticking his head in the sand, and he ends up saying I am in the wrong for slagging his Mum off. He really cant see how her twisted lies cause trouble. AIBU to think he needs to address this and pull her on each little lie? AIBU to just be sick and tired of her games? Are other MILs like this or have I just been really unlucky?!

Wineandrosesagain Wed 25-Nov-15 10:36:41

She sounds very odd, though the example you give makes me think she was trying to smooth the waters rather than deliberately cause trouble. I think you should try to reduce your involvement with MIL and unless her lies directly affect you, simply roll your eyes and ignore.

SiegeofEnnis Wed 25-Nov-15 10:38:58

I think you're reading the coat incident in the worst possible light, tbh, presumably because you (perhaps with good reason) dislike her. In what way was her (admittedly slightly odd) lie designed to 'cause trouble'? Wasn't she in fact being generous in offering to go and deliver the coat and save you the drive?

So, did your MIL actually drive two hours or not to get the coat back? Maybe the spare purple coat was also at the ex's house? I'm struggling to see why a lie would have caused trouble between you and your DH, but you do all sound crazily over-involved in one anther's lives. Can you pull up the drawbridge a bit?

BollocksToThat1 Wed 25-Nov-15 10:39:35

Honestly from your post I can't see the problem.

Mil sorted the coat issue and saved you a long drive.

She helps your family unit out by doing the school run. How lucky are you there?

Do you have children together op?

Seriously your mil, well technically she isn't if you arnt married, sounds fine.

Have you left other things out of your post? Might need more specifics.

lunar1 Wed 25-Nov-15 10:41:40

It sounds like she was trying to help with the coat incident.

BollocksToThat1 Wed 25-Nov-15 10:42:46

Reading your post again it seems to me mil was trying to smooth the waters over the coat although she didn't need to and take care here op. Sounds like she helps out a lot with ds. If you piss her off whose going up do the school run?

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 25-Nov-15 10:48:43

I too think she did a lovely think which benefitted everyone, and if anyone was put out it was her.

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 25-Nov-15 10:48:26


BarbarianMum Wed 25-Nov-15 10:51:46

Based on the example you give YABU - you hould be thanking your MiL not criticising her , she's not responsible for what your dp's ex does or says. You sound like hard work, are you?

Birdsgottafly Wed 25-Nov-15 10:51:30

It sounds to me that she wasn't getting involved in your reaction to the coat issue.

It might of been inconvenient to drop the cost off, but it was your DHs descion to make, so that his Son wears his school coat to school.

Your MIL did you a favour.

I think that you were in the wrong.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Nov-15 10:51:47

Perhaps the purple coat she normally keeps at her house, wound up at the ex's house so she wasn't lying at all?

Either way, I agree with PPs that she did a very nice thing.

gamerchick Wed 25-Nov-15 10:53:39

Well it might have been a spare one at the mils but had been used for its purpose and ended up back at the exs.

fizzingmum Wed 25-Nov-15 10:54:24

It's the latest in a long line of lies tbh. If she was trying to smooth things over why not tell the truth and say oh it's a spare coat from my house? Why change his coat in the first place? It caused trouble as I was blasting his ex for being awkward over the coat. By her lying she made out that he did have another coat at his mums, therefore ex was just being painful. I have 2 dd's and we don't have kids together yet. That may or may not happen. Other lies she tells are that she has been looking after his ex's other 2 children in the school holidays. She makes a point of telling me where they have been and what they have all done together (never has anything to do with my two). I'm not bothered but when I mentioned it to DP, he was adamant she hasn't seen her other children in years and certainly not taken them to the park/circus/Warwick castle or any of the other, very specific places she takes pleasure in telling me about. So what is her motive for blatant lies like this? What does she expect to achieve? I'm trying to find a rational explanation but struggling to. She also spends a lot of time telling me things about his ex that I really don't need to know and she shouldn't tell me (personal stuff that I'm sure his ex would not expect her to gossip about). Is she trying to emphasise the fantastic relationship they had? If so why does she say it so negatively? Is she using it to try and bond with me (a bit strange but could be?). I want to have a good relationship with her, but struggle to get past petty and pointless lies. Not least because I can't get a handle on why she would tell them. If I knew where she was coming from it would be easier to deal with.

Birdsgottafly Wed 25-Nov-15 10:54:55

""You sound like hard work""

That's what I was trying to say. Why the hell was you still going on about it a day later, when you were in no way inconvenienced?

I'd say that you were the one causing issues and everyone else is just trying to get on with things.

Birdsgottafly Wed 25-Nov-15 10:56:52

You were "Blasting his ex"? Not your business to do so.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Nov-15 11:02:35

You don't know she lied about the coat.

Why didn't you ask her about the days out, and say "Oh, I thought you hadn't seen your other children in years"?

Something is amiss here. I think you need to communicate more to be honest.

LucilleBluth Wed 25-Nov-15 11:02:56

You sound like a total pain in the arse. The MIL is probably scared to death of you.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Nov-15 11:03:42

And if you want a good relationship with her, then stop blasting her ex daughter in law - ie the mother of her grand child.

fizzingmum Wed 25-Nov-15 11:07:32

Why is it not my place to blast the ex to my other half? She takes the piss in lots of ways and is constantly being awkward about pick up/drop off etc. Demanding changes and threatening to stop access etc. It interferes with our lives daily depending on her mood, wether she got laid, how her day is going etc. I'm quite within my rights to be pissed at her ways and the effect on our family life and to voice that to my DP. The issue is with MIL telling pointless lies that I am just meant to ignore. I just can't work her out. Maybe she has always told lies and exaggerated and nobody mentions it? Or maybe there is something more behind why she does it? She knew that by telling me the coat was from his Ex's that I would think ex had been being awkward again. BTW she took the coat back because her daughter was home for 24 hours (she lives abroad) and they decided that after the meal they would go and see her nephew, so the act was not completely altruistic, although yes I agree it was good for us all and solved a problem. Again the issue is why lie? DP has confirmed the coat was at MIL's house, not at ex's.

reni2 Wed 25-Nov-15 11:09:47

She was lovely and helpful. You did not have to drive.

You belittle her (she "pipes up"). You "blast his Ex". Sick and tired of HER games?

You say you'd like a good relationship with her, it sounds easily achievable from what you say if you try and treat her as well as she appears to treat you. Are other MILs like this or have I just been really unlucky?! Some other MILs are not like that, you have been lucky. YABU

Secondtimeround75 Wed 25-Nov-15 11:09:58

Back away from his family if it causes you stress.
You are out of line to interfere in what goes on between him ,his mother ,his kids ,his ex.
You add no value to what must be a tough juggling act.

bluebolt Wed 25-Nov-15 11:10:21

It sounds like the lies are to stop upsetting you, it may even be your DP is doing the lying and mil is trying to second guess. Would you want her to take your DCs out?

fizzingmum Wed 25-Nov-15 11:11:18

And in terms of blasting the mother of her grandchild, firstly I have never said anything to MIL about her and secondly MIL has not got a nice word to say about her and slags her off constantly. Another reason why it doesn't make sense to me to say the things she does. I'm not painful, she currently has no idea how I feel. If you asked her in sure she would think we have a good relationship, albeit I try to not get too involved. I try very hard and bite my lip when she is lying as I don't want to embarrass her. If I knew what her motivation was I could deal easier.

TheWordOfBagheera Wed 25-Nov-15 11:11:44

Yes lots of people are like this, but it's nothing to do with being a MIL - she's just a person who tells lies who happens to be your MIL.

In this situation I would let it wash over you. It's a coat, it doesn't matter, and you didn't even have to make the journey.

She may be trying to come between you and DH but it only works if one of you lets it; hence any difficulties actually come from your relationship not your MIL. You ask does he need to address it with her? Depends on the lies and how they affect your family. Your communication and being on the same page is all that really matters - so a joint decision to just ignore any made-up guff from her would be fine if you both agreed.

ShanghaiDiva Wed 25-Nov-15 11:13:51

Mil did you a favour by sorting out the coat issue and saving you/your partner a 2 hour round trip. Whose coat is was, where it was is irrelevant - the child had a coat for school -that's the most important thing.
I think you are looking for issues where there are none. If she says she spent time with children in the holidays and she didn't who cares? Why are you even asking your partner about it? It has nothing to do with you.

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