Aibu? Dm and ddad questioning my parenting long(118 Posts)
I have written a fair few threads about things that are going on at home. I have had a few days to think and I need some support, advice and anything you lovely mnetters can offer.
This post is outing but I'm past caring and I don't want to name change.
My dd is 3 yrs old 4 in March, she was born with the 7th cranial nerve missing (resulting in a paralysed face on the right side) now she's older other medical needs etc have become apparent.
Hyperacusis - we always knew she was sensitive to sounds but now she is able to vocalise what hurts, is uncomfortable etc. We have been referred to ENT to have tests and possible have a hearing aid that emits a low frequency so sounds are not painful.
Long sighted - her right eye has a larger perscription ion than her left but she needs glasses and the optician thinks she will always need glasses. No other eye problems apart from needing eye drops because she cannot close her right eye.
Recurrent infections - Utis mostly, she has had scans on her kidneys which appear normal but has microscopic blood in her urine constantly and has been hospitalised twice for iv antibiotics for uti alone. She is now under a renal specialist.
Sleep apnea - she would stop for up to 20 seconds, due to her paralysis but she had enlarged tonsils and adenoids, she had her tonsils and adenoids removed on Friday just gone (and the reason everything has blown up), she was hospital until yesterday because she suffered a bleed from the throat and had a post op infection which she was admitted for.
Behaviour issues - this is the link to my thread
Blood disorder - she has a condition where her blood clots too much so is monitored after operations and treatments but so far hasn't had to have blood thinners.
Hypermobility - again she has been referred to a specialist.
So in all dd has had problems since birth but I think we have all coped very well, dd was going to preschool but has not been in 2 weeks due to sickness (uti) and medical appointments plus an operation.
She has been referred to an education psychologist who will assess dd before she starts school in September to see if she needs additional help etc.
So dd had her adenoid/ tonsillectomy on Friday, she was released Friday night, Saturday morning she had quite a big bleed and was admitted again (apparently this can be common) she then started having rigors and fevers in the 40s so she was treated with antibiotics and released yesterday afternoon.
So Monday I came home from the hospital and dh stayed with dd for a few hours, I got my ds from school, tidied up a bit, got some more things for hospital and just had a break because I was exhausted.
My ddad had a day off work and didn't even ask about dd but proceeded to lay into me with the following points.
- dd shouldn't of had her tonsils out because she never had tonsillitis (obviously but it was for sleep apnea which my parents think doesn't exist and I'm just being over protective).
- the reason she got an infection after the operation is because I gave her a bottle of milk, plus she didn't need the operation anyway.
- I'm forever getting her tested and in his words "she's been stuck (I guess her means blood tests) cut (I guess again he means operations) and tested and she isn't having a childhood.
I'm taking away her childhood because she's always in hospital or being tested for something.
She's had two general anaesthetic Mris because they didn't know what was causing the palsy.
In ddad and dm words "there are children with spina bifida and worse conditions that dd and because she doesn't have anything life threatening" I should stop all treatments and let her be a kid. When she is older and has the ability to make decisions then she can be tested "poked and prodded".
I tried to explain to them that I know they are worried as am I but I cannot stop her having her glasses, hearing tests etc because she needs these things.
My ddad then said I was making everything seem bigger than it was (I faked her opticians exam and apparently just requested her tonsils removed and the Drs agreed) and so they will support me but they won't give me any sympathy.
My ddad said he was going to report me to social services for child abuse because "I won't leave her alone".
I did ask why they chose to do this when dd was in hospital and I've got enough guilt about dds medical conditions and apparently I was making it about me again.
I was so tired and tbh the thought of not getting my dd medical treatments she needs because my parents (who have given me enough problems, I've been through hell with them tbh) think I should let her be a kid is ridiculous.
Ddad said I didn't even let her play with dolls? I don't know what that was about but I think he was clutching at straws.
I went back to the hospital in tears (I didn't get a word in edge ways to try and make them see reason) dh is furious.
My dsis lives next door to me and our parents are round everyday, I'm not an argumentative person so I just stayed quiet, this morning they came through my back garden to access my sisters house.
I went round to say dd had been released and to say hi. Ddad walked off and didn't say a word, dm just said she knew she was released, then looked in my back door saw dd had just pants on then lectured me on why she wasn't dressed. The reason is because she is very itchy, hot and still having fevers. The house is warm and I'm not going to make her uncomfortable.
Dh wants to move, I want to scream. We're so stressed out and now I'm worrying about social services knocking on our door because of my parents.
I spoke to my health visitor and she said nothing would come of ss because I'm doing everything a responsible parent would.
I've made an appointment with our gp to discuss my parents concerns and she is going to kindly write a letter to ease their concerns, I don't know what else I can do. I just need to concentrate on dd getting better but now I hate myself for everything she is going through.
I have depression from when I was a teenager and suffered panic attacks etc and after my parents rant at me I had a panic attack which I haven't had in years. It was horrible.
What do I do? Aibu? I need someone to talk to.
You have to step away from them. They are clearly concerned but making ridiculous comments such as contacting social services is not on. Whether they believe conditions exist or treatments are needed or not is nothing to do with them. The role of any grandparent in these difficult circumstances is to support and offer help. They are doing neither. Step away for the sake of your child's health and your own.
Wow. You're going through so much trying to support your daughter yet your Dad is blaming you? He sounds pretty toxic and really unhelpful. I'm guessing NC is impractical while you live next-door to your sister but can you minimise contact? Take a step back.
Have you had counselling? I'm thinking both as support for parenting your DD with additional needs and also for your relationship with your parents.
Fwiw I think you sound like a fab Mum who is doing everything you can to give your daughter a positive life
Wow OP I've just read your thread about the baby you had adopted. With that in mind I think your Dad is a fucker to bring up social services when it's obviously a big fear of yours. He sounds abusive tbh.
So, you need to learn to hold boundaries with your parents. "Dh and I have discussed dd's medical situation with expert medics and have made appropriate decisions." Every. Single. Time he comments. If you can afford it I'd look into getting some sort of counselling to help you disentangle yourself from him emotionally. It is hard when you've had a lifetime of being trained to react
Op I think this might be better in relationships. Do you want me to suggest it to MNHQ?
You do know your parents are ridiculous and horrible don't you?
Your dad's comment about referring you to Social Services would be laughable if it wasn't so cruel - Social Services would be delighted to see someone who cared as much for their disabled child as you and made so much effort to listen to medical professionals. They would think you are amazing.
If your DH wants to move then do it. Seeing less of them would do wonders for your mental health.
Your parents are on another planet if they think that doctors will operate on children just on the parents say so.
They are horrible. Please go with what your DH wants in this situation and move house.
Your parents sound incredibly unhelpful! You, however sound like you are doing everything you should be, and coping really well in difficult circumstances. You do not need to worry about SS, they would only need to read the various medical reports to know your parents are being bonkers. It might be worth trying to distance yourself from your parents, especially if they start spouting this rubbish when your DC can hear, as it is going to confuse and upset them. I hope DD is over her fevers and feeling better soon.
From skimming your other threads, your dad seems to have a ridiculous obsession with your DD. I would get this logged in as many places as you can, then detach yourself as much as possible.
I agree with your dh - get the hell away from these toxic nasty arses!
I would seriously consider going nc. And I have never ever said that before.
Get out of this situation now. Move. Go. Flee. Your father is poison for saying such things to you. I hope your DD feels better today.
YANBU but your blood parents are!
Op if you didn't take your daughter to her appointments and didn't access the care she needs then SS would get involved and you could end up in serious trouble,you can tell your parents that from me someone that did work with SS and the safeguarding of children.I also have 2 DC that are disabled and our youngest child DD8 has alot wrong with her sadly like your DD does.
Honestly I agree with your DH moving away so they're not ontop of you all may be the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your own family.
You are a fabulous parent, it must be worrying and exhausting with a child who needs so much medical intervention, your parents on the other hand are awful parents to you and I agree with your husband, you should get away from them and start living your family life without them being a big black cloud shadowing you.
I agree with your DH - move.
Not only would it mean that they don't have such easy access to you when stressed it also means you would be able to control information they have access to much more. The less they know they less things they have to beat you with.
In mean time try broken record - DH and I are doing what the medical professionals who have trained for years and have years of experience have decided is best for our child. Just keep saying that - don't debate, argue or justify.
We are following the medical advice given to us by the experts - you can believe what you want but we are following the medical advice from the experts
Move. Get away from them. I know you think you love them but it sounds very unhealthy to an outsider, for you and your children.
I've just read the other threads - so do your family and your sister's family and your mum and dad eat together every single night of the week? What on earth does your husband think of that?
The fact that they are accusing you of more and more ridiculous stuff (fabricating hearing problems, not letting her play) tells me that they are getting something out of painting you as a bad mum, and I think that whatever efforts you make to calm their "fears" is not going to work because they are getting something out of this situation, psychologically. You've nothing to fear from Social Services and if they did call them (which I doubt they would have the guts for), all that would happen is the SW would confirm you're caring well for your DD and then your parents will write off the social worker as overstretched/taken in by you/one of these modern types who doesn't know how to look after kids etc etc.
I think your DH is on the right track with moving house but in any case I would minimise contact with them and try to care less about what they say. They're bats! They're wrong, you're a good mother. You won't be able to persuade them that they're wrong.
Your Dad is an almighty arse and your mum no better.
Step away and move house - best option. Do they seriously think the hospital would be doing all this work on your DD on a fucking whim? When the NHS is stretched to the limit, they're not going to expend huge amounts of time and resources unnecessarily!
As for his threat to report you to SS - well I'm not entirely sure what happens when people make malicious reports, but I'd like to hope that they get some sort of police visit for wasting SS time (very unlikely though). Back in the day, they would possibly have been prosecutable for bringing your name into disrepute, but that doesn't exactly work in the same way any more, sadly for you.
Listen, you're doing the absolute best you can for your DD, getting her the treatment and help she needs - your parents can't even accept her conditions, or support you in any way, so who wins on the parenting front? That's right - YOU!
Tell them in however polite a fashion you feel necessary to fuck off if they can't be supportive.
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