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To tell dh that if he wants to buy baby stuff he will have to go without me?

(45 Posts)
Givinguph0pe Tue 24-Nov-15 18:50:44

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and so far have nothing. I will be delivered at 37-38 weeks as I'm a high risk pregnancy, probably 38 weeks.
Dh wants to go and get all the baby stuff in a couple of weeks as he has a day off. Some stuff we can get online but some things he wants to look at in the shops - car seats and prams mainly I think.

I still don't feel ready to buy any baby things. I don't want to have to look at it all when we come home from the hospital if the baby has died. I don't want to talk about the baby or think about the baby and I definitely don't want to look at baby things.

Wibu to tell him to go with mil - who is very excited - and then leave anything they get at hers so I don't have to see it? I cannot face going into shops and shop assistants asking when I'm due and having to pretend to be excited etc.

are there any complications that make you concerned that something may happen?

Enjolrass Tue 24-Nov-15 18:57:03

Yanbu. But you may regret it.

Have you spoken to your mw about how feel?

Or go or even DH?

I understand you are scared and it's understandable but it's not healthy.

I can't say anything about the baby as I don't know what the issue is?

Is there a chance you will lose the baby? Or is that based on your fear?

I had a high risk pregnancy, but it was me that was mainly in danger not particularly dd.

rageagainsttheBIL Tue 24-Nov-15 18:58:04

When do you think you will feel ready?

I understand what it's like to feel anxious during pregnancy but also think if your baby died the situation and grief you'd feel probably couldn't be made much worse by having bought baby stuff.

Is there a way you can try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy?

donajimena Tue 24-Nov-15 19:01:10

I had a high risk pregnancy so I do understand. I was equally reticent however as it was known to be high risk I was somewhat reassured by all the extra care.
I bought the bare minimum and didn't get it out of the packaging
Can you compromise by perhaps doing this?

Damselindestress Tue 24-Nov-15 19:02:34

I can understand him wanting to be prepared. Maybe being practical is his way of dealing with things. Are your concerns because the pregnancy is high risk? Have you discussed them with your consultant? You are focused on what if things go wrong but what if things go right and there is nothing ready for the baby? Maybe shopping online could be a compromise to avoid awkward conversations with sales assistants? Could you store stuff with a family member until it is needed so you won't have to look at it?

ArmsofBathurst Tue 24-Nov-15 19:02:25

That's really sad sad This is a time for enjoyment and excitement! I suffered from antenatal depression all through my second pregnancy and I really wish I'd had it dealt with at the time because it affected my bonding with DD when she was born. Do you think you should talk through your fears with your GP or midwife?

Givinguph0pe Tue 24-Nov-15 19:04:20

I know I am very anxious, I'm a type 1 diabetic. I never thought we'd be able to have another baby (have ds aged 6) and gut instinct just makes me think something will go wrong.
I've asked and asked for help but one gp told me it was normal and better not to bond with the baby as 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth. The other gp referred me for councelling but they bounced me back as they said the waiting list was so long that I'd have had the baby by the time they saw me.
The midwife said she'd refer me but that was four months ago and I've heard nothing. So I've sort of given up.

I had three rounds of fertility treatment which failed and then got pregnant naturally. It just seems so unlikely that I'm going to have a baby. I wait every day for something to go wrong. I have bought one outfit for her as I thought she'd need something to be buried in.

Orange1969 Tue 24-Nov-15 19:04:08

I feel for you. After four miscarriages, I didn't want to buy anything for my baby until the last minute.

I asked people to respect my wishes. My mother did buy stuff for the baby, despite my request because she wanted to placate my sister who had disabilities and mood swings. This upset me a lot lots of wishes re sister who has since died, v sadly

A nosey neighbour was v intrusive when I was pregnant and, despite me asking her not too, used to try and sell me baby related items stained clothes and general crap from the rather smelly second hand shop she volunteered in.

I really see where you are coming from and really hope you and your baby are ok.

Loiterer Tue 24-Nov-15 19:11:56

Sorry to hear you are so anxious. I was too but forced myself to act as if I wasn't. I remember at a midwife appt about 28 weeks asking her what the chances of miscarriage now we're, she looked at me as if I was mad. I think anxiety in pregnancy is not well supported.

No extra pressure, but have you thought that if the baby were to die, the presence or lack thereof of a car seat etc would not change things. I hope that doesn't sound flippant.

Also, I'm sure that thinking about my baby helped me to build an awareness of what is normal in my own pregnancy. I say that sitting feeding my 5 month old DS.

Tapirs Tue 24-Nov-15 19:14:16

Getting the baby stuff is neither here nor there. DH had to buy a car seat and a pack of babygrows/vests on the way to the hospital on going home day and we stopped in a massive Mothercare and got the rest of what was immediately necessary on the way home from the hospital. It was fine.

I'm much more concerned about your state of mind and the way you've been completely failed by the staff/system.

No one can tell you your baby will be ok but you're not being given any useful help around lowering your stress/anxiety levels. You have to just get through this a day at a time. It might be worth trying to banish that 1 in 200 thought by repeating 199 chances it'll be fine like a mantra to calm your spiraling thoughts.

All the things I can think of would involve other pregnant mums except:

de-stress massages (booked via email so you can clearly explain that you're pregnant but don't want it discussed at the appointment)

swimming (or just gently being in water to 'switch off' at times when it's not mother and baby)

I'll try to think of other things.

Mumberjack Tue 24-Nov-15 19:16:52

Try to go to independent shops for pram or pushchair etc - they usually allow delivery/pick up when baby gets here safely (even helping dad to install car seat properly en route to hospital for going home). They will often have more personal dealings with parents to be so in the rare event that things go wrong, they'll be compassionate. But more likely, they'll be nicer and give you a better personal service with perhaps time to listen to your worries. They'll have been there before with parents.

My first baby died (stillbirth), and my subsequent pregnancy was horrible and anxious. I really had to force myself to buy things and even then I didn't believe they'd be used. I had a room full of things that had been intended for my first baby, but I'm glad we bought them when we did - they all formed part of the lovely (but far too few) memories we have of my first baby.

Finally your gp was awful. Go to someone else who may have a heart rather than a swinging brick.

Rinceoir Tue 24-Nov-15 19:17:49

I had a difficult pregnancy due to an anomaly detected on antenatal scanning, and was aware that we wouldn't know about severity until the baby was born. (She was fine thankfully). I completely understand the reticence to buy things and to get excited. However getting past it and buying the basics helps. Maybe MIL could keep them at her house? You are aware that the stats around stillbirth in diabetes include all patients, those with awful control and those who have minimal medical care, those who have anomalies like anencephaly etc. In reality the risk to a closely monitored, well controlled type 1 is lower and closer to the population average. Have you access to a specialist diabetes midwife? They may be able to help you with your anxiety if no counselling is available.

HippyChickMama Tue 24-Nov-15 19:18:14

op I kind of know how you feel, I had a traumatic experience during early pregnancy with dc2 and from that moment on I was convinced dd would be stillborn. I spent the later part of my labour screaming at the midwife to 'just f'ing get her out!' blush She's 2 now and a very lively toddler. I think the only thing that is going to get you over this is a safe delivery. Yes type 1 diabetes makes you higher risk but as long as your blood sugar is well controlled there's no reason why anything should go wrong. Could you go with dh but ask for things to be kept at mil's until you need them? Best of luck for a smooth delivery flowers

rageagainsttheBIL Tue 24-Nov-15 19:19:06

I can't believe your GP said that, how insensitive. I can only assume they had had an awful experience. Of course it is better to have a positive and happy pregnancy if possible. Would never feeling positive, hopeful or excited make the grief any more or less in the very unlikely circumstance something did go wrong? No.

It is no wonder you feel anxious. You went through tough rounds of treatment and a lot of disappointment before a seeming miracle. It probably seems too good to be true and that you don't "deserve" to be pregnant.

Could you afford private counselling, or maybe do a birth preparation class or hypnobirthing which might help you feel connected? Maybe you feel there's no point, but it might help you relax if nothing else.

Practically, all you need really is a car seat to get back from hospital, a pack of nappies and a few clothes. You can buy everything else once baby is here.

Littlegreyauditor Tue 24-Nov-15 19:25:55

OP I was like you, so DH had an Amazon wish list ready to go for certain things, to be delivered once he got the go ahead. He also had paid for big items to be stored at the shop and delivered/ collected once all was ok.

The one thing we couldn't do this with was the pram, for some reason, so it was stored in my parents attic.

I was an only child, my mum had several late miscarriages after me, so I have always been very aware that not every pregnancy results in a positive outcome. I could not imagine anything more avoidably painful than an unhappy ending and having to come home to a house full of baby stuff and a nursery. It made sense to me to add a layer of insulation between me and that possibility.

flowers

Fugghetaboutit Tue 24-Nov-15 19:28:25

A GP actually said 'better not bond with the baby as 1 in 200 end in still birth'? Really?! I would complain to the GMC

Jw35 Tue 24-Nov-15 19:31:10

Think about it this way. You have already bonded with your baby, you've been pregnant for 30 weeks now and your baby is alive and well.
Try to think positively and enjoy your pregnancy. The baby is likely to live or they wouldn't be waiting until 38 weeks! One day when you're holding your healthy baby you might look back and wish you had enjoyed it all more. If the worst thing happens (could happen to anyone, high risk or not) buying the baby's things won't change the grief you will feel or make anything worse, if anything it might be comforting to feel that your baby was alive and had their own things.
I think you need more support at this time, it's crap they can't get you in for counselling!
I think you will be holding your alive healthy baby soon thanks

Givinguph0pe Tue 24-Nov-15 19:32:16

Sorry to hear of others sad stories sad

It's the going and looking I can't stand. It feels like a big pretence. Dh wants to look at the car seat to make sure it fits our cars and also to look at the pram to see how heavy / light it is. Most other stuff we can get online so not so bad. I also haven't got any maternity stuff and I'm starting to struggle a bit tbh.

The gp said it was good to protect yourself as things can go wrong and that the still birth rate was around 1 in 200. She said it was better not to get too attached. It didn't really help to be honest!

Supermanspants Tue 24-Nov-15 19:34:26

YANBU
I was the same. I tried to buy some nappy cream from Boots when I was 34 weeks and ended up standing there crying like a pathetic idiot because I couldn't even do that. In the end my mum bought the main bits and kept them at her house but didn't tell me she had.

flowers for you

Givinguph0pe Tue 24-Nov-15 19:35:12

The other GP I saw when I tried a second time was much better. She actually rang me to apologise when they bounced me back and said she did not agree with the decision and had risen it with the partners at the surgery but I haven't heard anything since.

The specialist midwife said she would refer me as did the consultant but as I said I've heard nothing. That said, the hospital I was supposed to deliver at is closing its maternity unit so all services are being disbanded. I will have to deliver somewhere I'm unfamiliar with.

MurlockedInTheCellarHelpUs Tue 24-Nov-15 19:41:03

Your GP is a knob. Seconding all the kind words and good advice above - do you think you could contact the MW again for a bit of counselling? Worth a try to get on the list just in case a spot opens up.

I also think it's totally OK for you not to shop if it's going to cause you anxiety. It's just stuff - while a lot of people enjoy it, it's not an integral part of becoming a parent. I honestly didn't care a jot about what car seat or pram we had until DD was about 6 months old when I went out and bought one that didn't give me a hernia when I put it in the car boot.

If MIL is happy to accompany your DH, then let her - she'll enjoy it, and if everything is left in the packaging with receipts attached, you can swap anything you wouldn't personally have chosen once baby is safely here. You don't even need to look at it all until then.

flowers and good luck to you - I've got everything crossed that it all goes smoothly for you.

OldGreyCat Tue 24-Nov-15 19:41:13

Good luck with complaining to the GMC - there is a VERY high bar for their considering a GP to have behaved poorly.

OP, I felt the same. I did get some things in in the end but not much. I had a number of friends who went through IVF / misc / stillbirth and bought nothing before the birth. Couldn't even pack a labour bag.
If it makes you feel less anxious, buy the stuff after the birth / store it out of sight

There are 199 chances that it will 'be ok' and only 1 that it wont.

If you are already 30 weeks you have passed lots of milestones already.

I wish you all the best for a safe and happy delivery.

Greengardenpixie Tue 24-Nov-15 19:56:20

The gp said it was good to protect yourself as things can go wrong and that the still birth rate was around 1 in 200. She said it was better not to get too attached.
shock

That was really helpful wasn't it?
Glad i don't have your GP.
The odds are stacked in your favour.
All the same, if you feel uneasy about buying then don't.

LardLizard Tue 24-Nov-15 20:02:16

My ds1 died shortly after he was born, and coming home to our house with the nursing chair in the living room and his cot in his bedroom didn't make me more sad
As it was impossible to feel sadder than I already felt

Guess what I'm trying to say is when something goes wrong you really don't care about all that stuff
It's just important

I've had a subsequent pregnancy and another ds since
And many friends I've met in rl via sands etc
Have all had issues in subsequent pregnancies and bonding can be an issue

In fact it could be worth calling somewhere like sands as they are well torso he'd in helping people that are anxious in subsequent pregnancy plus they know all the facts and stats about still birth

Good luck op
Your nearly there now

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