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To wonder if it's 'wrong' for children to have different fathers (sperm donor)

(38 Posts)
Journeyintothecentreoftheearth Tue 24-Nov-15 16:37:54

I suppose I am wondering as I plan to have a child from donor sperm and would ideally like a brother or sister for him/her in the future (though this is not a given!) and I wondered if it is 'worth' spending hundreds on reserving sperm!

So, since I'm not sure of my own feelings - over to you; what would you do?

TeenAndTween Tue 24-Nov-15 16:41:04

Not knowing much at all about this subject, I think using the same donor would be advantageous.

Shared genetics.
More similar looks likely.
More similar intelligence likely.

Arfarfanarf Tue 24-Nov-15 16:41:20

wrong how?

I don't think it's wrong, no. People have a child, have a failed relationship, meet someone, have a child. It happens.

What is making you worry that it's wrong?

I don't know anything about how children of sperm donors feel about their roots, family connections, etc to be qualified to comment on whether or not there's an issue there, is there an organisation that helps with this that could give you guidance?

Journeyintothecentreoftheearth Tue 24-Nov-15 16:44:01

Oh, I'm perfectly happy with the sperm donor issue as it is.

What I'm not sure about is whether I want to reserve sperm (at a cost!) to ensure any future siblings have the same biological father. It's got advantages but I'm not sure there will be a second child and how important it is, so I wondered what others thought.

kaymondo Tue 24-Nov-15 16:47:07

I think I would prefer it just so that, if the children ever decided they wanted to track down their biological father, there was consistency as to the reaction they got. I could imagine it would be difficult if one was greeted with open arms whilst one was turned away by a different donor.

Arfarfanarf Tue 24-Nov-15 16:47:42

oh, sorry, I thought you were wondering about it from the child's pov growing up re siblings, ties, etc. sorry. I got the wrong end of the stick. blush
How much are we talking? That would be a big factor for me. A hundred quid or so, then yes, if we were talking thousands then probably not.

Sighing Tue 24-Nov-15 16:57:43

I don't think so. There are plenty of people with half siblings. What they have in common would be the family you make.

Cornettoninja Tue 24-Nov-15 17:26:27

I'm really not sure <helpful>.

Conceiving kids the traditional way and I wouldn't bat an eyelid at different fathers, it's so common these days it's not a big issue I don't think. I would wonder whether or not children conceived from a less traditional route might find some comfort or a sense of identity from it though... It's such a modern dilemma it's hard to say really.

I would let practicalities decide I think, so would base my decision on cost and quality (I'm presuming sperm deteriorates).

Cleansheetsandbedding Tue 24-Nov-15 17:32:02

Both my kids have different fathers. It really is a none issue. I wouldn't waste money on 'reserving' sperm.

Cleansheetsandbedding Tue 24-Nov-15 17:33:27

Plus I really don't like the label 'half sibling'. My two girls are sisters that's it. The don't them selves as half anything

loveulotslikejellytots Tue 24-Nov-15 17:36:19

There's nothing wrong with them having different fathers. Plenty of people and their siblings do. DH has 'half' siblings, though he never describes them as half siblings.

For some reason though, I'd say if I was in your position and had a choice, I probably would have them as full siblings. But I can't really articulate why. DH is a lot closer to his half siblings than a lot of people are to their 'whole' siblings. Whether they have the same biological father won't really guarantee that they'll like each other or get on in later life.

AnotherEffingOrangeRevel Tue 24-Nov-15 17:39:13

I can't see anything "right" or "wrong" about either decision in any way.

The only thing I can think of: I suppose if one of them needs an organ/tissue transplant or something, they'd have a better chance of matching if they have two rather than one shared parent...

Good luck with it all!

fortifiedwithtea Tue 24-Nov-15 17:42:31

I don't think its that important. Being biologically related is no guarantee of closeness or intelligence.

FrancesOldhamKelsey Tue 24-Nov-15 17:45:30

A lot of people spend a lot of time and effort tracking down missing biological relatives they've never met. It clearly matters a lot to them. I think the clincher is the argument above over what would happen if one father was really pleased to see his 18 year old child and the other didn't want to know. If you spend a couple of hundred on reserving sibling sperm and then decide you don't want another child you'll still be tens of thousands of pounds better off, so the money's a non-issue, it's a drop in the ocean in the costs of a child.

Jw35 Tue 24-Nov-15 17:46:21

I'm pregnant for the second time by the same donor. I also have an older child who is their half sibling.

Life isn't perfect. 2 different donors is ok but if possible and affordable I would want the same one

Journeyintothecentreoftheearth Tue 24-Nov-15 17:50:35

Politely, it's not his child - he is enabling us to become parents, not being a parent himself.

Thanks for your thoughts smile

Cornettoninja Tue 24-Nov-15 17:50:26

That's a good point Frances and expands on what I was wondering about how any resulting children would feel about their identities and backgrounds.

Cornettoninja Tue 24-Nov-15 17:52:56

But children have the right to trace their sperm donor don't they? Whose ever donated will have been aware of this so it might be something that crops up in the future.

FrancesOldhamKelsey Tue 24-Nov-15 18:55:33

It's his biological child. Whether or not he counts as a "parent" or "dad", when an the eighteen year old with his genes turns up at his door, that's his child.

LauraMipsum Tue 24-Nov-15 20:41:06

I had the same dilemma Journey but ultimately the decision was made by my bank balance. There is a possibility that if we want a sibling for our DD in the future, the same donor will still be available, but equally he might not. As PPs have said, nobody would bat an eyelid if it were a family with two different biological fathers. Ultimately even if we were to conceive again with a different donor, our children would still have the same parents - me and my DP, who are the parents on the birth cert.

I'm going to donate eggs in the new year too. I will not be the "parent" or "mother" of any resulting children. When the eighteen year old with my genes turns up at the door that will be interesting and we will be genetically linked (and it goes without saying that I will be kind and welcoming and interested to meet them and open to whatever relationship they wish to have) but they will not be my child. Their parents will be the people who raised them.

OP if you want to talk more about donor conception then feel free to message me as I'm sure this thread will attract the people who don't understand the difference between donation and parenting. The Conception Network ink{http://www.dcnetwork.org\www.dcnetwork.or]]g} are also a valuable organisation.

LauraMipsum Tue 24-Nov-15 20:41:36

Got the bloody link wrong. Here it is without the fancy brackets. www.dcnetwork.org

VestalVirgin Tue 24-Nov-15 20:48:55

From a financial point of view: Different fathers is cheaper
From a biological point of view: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Genetic variety is great!
From a social point of view: Many siblings have different fathers. It happens.

In theory, there'd be the risk that your DC look nothing alike, but that can also happen with siblings that share the same father, and if you are able to select donors you could make sure that hair color, etc, match.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Tue 24-Nov-15 20:49:58

Politely, it's not his child - he is enabling us to become parents, not being a parent himself.

True. But assuming you are in the UK they have the right to track him down in the future.

I suppose, if I could choose to, what I would want for my kids is the ability to track down their biological roots together, and share the same reaction (as another poster said, how awful if one man wants a relationship and the other cuts them off).

That isn't quite the same consideration in a non-donor family with more than one father (though, as an aside, a school mum I know finds it very hard on her kids that one ex is super involved and fab and the other is a little shit who wouldn't recognise his kid in the street - she just didn't get to make the call on that one).

I wouldn't let it stop me going ahead if I couldn't afford to reserve, but it would be a factor if I did.

ChristmasPartyDress Tue 24-Nov-15 20:52:39

I agree that genetic variety is better. Eggs in one basket etc..

Just back from a visit to a friend with three dc with two dads. It's not at all obvious. If that's a concern? I suppose maybe don't have one really blonde father and one really dark one.

Haffdonga Tue 24-Nov-15 21:03:10

A lot of people who don't know their genetic origins (e.g. adopted people) say that meeting a 'blood' relative is extremely important to them, even if just to see someone who looks like them and find out where they get their looks/ talents or dodgy taste in music (and a lot of others aren't interested at all). Although your potential children will be biologically related to you and each other, it could be of incredible value to them to have a sibling who is the only other person they know who shares their paternal genes too.

If you have the option I'd definitely choose to use the same sperm.

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