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To not want to alternate Christmas with EX-P?

(117 Posts)
crumblybiscuits Tue 24-Nov-15 15:49:06

DD is 2. Ex left when I was pregnant, moved about three hours away and ignored me until I gave birth. Since then has had her EOW for one night, although he did recently step up to Friday to Sunday. He picks her up from nursery twice a week (only has her in his company for about 10 minutes). He also just spent a month abroad where he obviously did not see DD for the entire time.
Last Christmas I offered for him to pick her up in the afternoon on Christmas Day. He refused this and wanted to have all day and alternate yearly instead. I said no as I didn't feel this was fair as I do 90% of child raising while he gets to be fun dad one weekend a fortnight. Again this year he has asked to go alternating and again I am going to offer Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day as "their time".
I am against alternating for a couple of reasons - giving DD a good routine and not having her back and forth every year, I am pregnant with DD2 and DD1 will want to spend Christmas morning with her baby sister and it firmly cements Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day morning as her time with ex-p.
Fine to be told IABU as I have been so far by everyone but DF but they all seem to idolise him and doing anything but what he demands causes arguments and accusations of me being "the unreasonable ex."

Arfarfanarf Tue 24-Nov-15 15:54:05

Your daughter is young but as she grows, what do you think she will want? I think, hard as it is, it is best to do what is in the best interests of the child and I think having good memories of special days with both parents is important.

This obviously relies on both parents being reasonable people who can cooperate fairly and with the best long term interests of the child at the heart of their choices. do you think he is able to do that?

coffeeisnectar Tue 24-Nov-15 15:56:20

Yabu. You must know you are. Being in a routine? That's really not a great excuse.

I've spent several Christmases completely alone as my ex had the dc. He no longer sees them so will be with me but my dp hasn't had his dd at Xmas since his split from her mum 5 years ago. We used to be allowed to have her for two hours in the afternoon but his ex makes so many plans that we only get her o/n at New year (so she can go to a party). Now they've moved, he doesn't get her at Xmas at all. It's like we just spend all this money on presents and don't even get to see her open them, don't get a phone call or a thank you.

I think you aren't being very fair. You do the majority of child stuff but that doesn't mean you get to cherry pick the best days either.

BitchPeas Tue 24-Nov-15 15:58:42

Yanbu. You- Xmas Eve and Xmas morning, Him- Xmas afternoon and and Boxing Day is completely fair. Don't budge.

What I find works with XH is, don't ask him, tell him that's how it's going to be.

TheWitTank Tue 24-Nov-15 16:03:13

I completely understand your point of view, but I do think yab a bit u. Alternate years seems the fair and sensible approach. I can see he has been a twat to you during your pregnancy so your frustration is expected, but can you try and put that aside and help your dd have a good relationship with her dad? Is he a good dad? Does he help out, pay maintenance etc?

mamas12 Tue 24-Nov-15 16:03:54

I understand what you mean
I didn't want to alternate either when we divorced as he didn't 'do' Christmas and I was worried for the dcs emotional wellbeing and sticking to their comforting Xmas traditions etc.
So for that reason I always had ex over for Xmas lunch !
Your suggestions sounds good to me and more importantly good for you dd you seem to have taken everyone into consideration there and he can't see that at the moment though

mamas12 Tue 24-Nov-15 16:05:17

I agree with you your idea sounds as if you've considered everyone in this and that's good for your dd

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 24-Nov-15 16:05:41

As much as I don't like to say it, yabu. Sucks though and I completely understand your point of view.

Hatethis22 Tue 24-Nov-15 16:06:27

I tend to think that, if children had a choice, they would choose to see both parents on Christmas Day. Children don't see practicalities though. Does he still live 3 hours away? Are you asking him to spend 6 hours driving on Christmas Day?

Cleansheetsandbedding Tue 24-Nov-15 16:07:06

Yanbu.

My ex pushed and pushed for this once and dd1 missed us and wanted to come home.

Don't budge

Gottagetmoving Tue 24-Nov-15 16:08:23

YANBU
Your DD is very young. Perhaps when she is older, then your ex can alternate Christmas with you if that is what she wants.
I think it is important she shares her Christmas morning with her new sibling so she does not feel she has been sent away?!
The afternoon and boxing day seems perfectly fair.

Twistedheartache Tue 24-Nov-15 16:08:43

I'm on the fence with this one coz this will be me this time next year.
If distance no issue then Xmas eve Xmas morning vs Xmas pm & boxing day makes sense but I would alternate
Where distance is an issue (for me coz he moved away) I wouldn't want dd's memory of childhood Xmas to be driving so am going to have to share I suppose.
I get the argument about cherry picking the best days but if you do 95% of the childcare and all the daily "hard" bits why should you only get 50% of the fun times/special days? Especially if it was his choice to go off with OW.

Ultimately as long as the children have amazing Christmasses it doesn't matter but I understand where you're coming from op and not sure if yabu.

Ouriana Tue 24-Nov-15 16:09:17

I totally understand why you feel you shoukdnt have to do all the hard bits while he gets the best bits, but I thinkYABabitU.
Could you stick to your suggestion but alternate that? So this year you have xmas eve and morning then he takes DC for xmas dinner and boxing day then next year he has xmas eve and morning and you have boxing day?

crumblybiscuits Tue 24-Nov-15 16:10:14

I think what grinds me more is I would rather share Christmas day between the two of us rather than one of us just not get to see her at all but he wants all or nothing.

coffeeisnectar Ex-DP does get to cherry pick the best days though as he only has her when it is convenient for him. Out of curiosity what did you do re Santa's presents?

Arfarfanarf
I would ask her opinion when slightly older and obviously she would go where she pleased for as long as you want. I bend over backwards for ex to have a good relationship with her as if he doesn't get his way he'll simply refuse to have her. For example last year when I offered half of Xmas day and he chose to have none at all because he didn't get it all.

TheWitTank
He has me over a barrel re child maintenance as if we went through csa I would get nothing but if I let him do what he wants I get private payments. He does make it very clear that he will not hesitate to remove payments and he pays a bill instead of direct payments for her. When that bill ends (next year) so will child support.

CheerfulYank Tue 24-Nov-15 16:10:58

I don't think you are BU actually. Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day is fine in my opinion.

I would have hated alternating as a child. I liked the tradition of waking up and going downstairs to the tree and seeing if Santa had been.

CheerfulYank Tue 24-Nov-15 16:11:39

Why would you get nothing for CSA?

crumblybiscuits Tue 24-Nov-15 16:12:30

Hatethis22
No he just moved back and DP drives so we would drop her off also.

Ouriana
He refuses that. Wants all or nothing.

crumblybiscuits Tue 24-Nov-15 16:13:02

CheerfulYank
He recently quit work and lives off a different source of income (all legal) csa doesn't take into account. Can't say much more as would out me sorry.

SummerHouse Tue 24-Nov-15 16:13:15

Totally understand where you are coming from. But at 2 Christmas day is the day you say it is. I would just do a Christmas day for yourselves whenever you want it. Hard though. Tough decision. But the best solution is where you can all be happy (including ex) so perhaps that's the compromise. Hope you work it out
santa

HermioneWeasley Tue 24-Nov-15 16:13:30

I am seething on your behalf, especially now you've said about maintenance.

Do you think your DD benefits from having him in her life?

crumblybiscuits Tue 24-Nov-15 16:14:54

HermioneWeasley
Absolutely, unfortunately. Hence why I have done everything under the sun to facilitate contact.

ImperialBlether Tue 24-Nov-15 16:17:22

No. No fucking way would I let him do that. As soon as you said he ignored you all through the pregnancy, I thought he has no right whatsoever to make these decisions.

You're being fair, offering Christmas afternoon. That's more than I would offer. He's being utterly selfish. You are doing virtually all the childcare; he can't waltz in and have her on the loveliest day of the year.

And as for the money he's giving you, that's completely out of order, too.

Let him take you to court. Keep a record of everything. Don't let him bully you.

ImperialBlether Tue 24-Nov-15 16:18:29

When he was abroad for the month, did he contact you at all to see how she was?

Djelibeyb Tue 24-Nov-15 16:18:35

Tbh I think one parent having Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning then the other having Christmas Day afternoon/Boxing Day is a great idea as each parent gets half of that 3 day festive period but is only practical if you live close together (I'm assuming you currently do though as he picks up your DD 2 days a week)

The fairest thing technically would be to alternate each year so you have the same pattern but both parents get a "turn" to be the one seeing them open things in the morning etc. However in practicality I saw my dad boxing day every year (Just boxing day, not any part of Christmas day. I would go over in the morning then come home late/the next day) and I loved that. To me I had two Christmases, one on the day with my mum and family that side then a second the day after with my dad and family that side.

Cleansheetsandbedding Tue 24-Nov-15 16:21:53

I'd tell him to go swivel. He is holding you to ransom over a few quid that is going to run out soon. I wouldn't let him have that power over you. angry

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