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To think the WEP should not be campaigning for men to be allowed to stay overnight on postnatal wards?

(643 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

CallaLilli Tue 24-Nov-15 11:54:33

I was just having a look at some of the objectives for the WEP and noticed they have a Stand Up for Dads campaign. Now whilst I agree with a lot of what they say on that page, one of the things they say is:

“hospitals don’t seem to take dads seriously. Many treat new fathers and new co-parents as visitors who have to stick to visiting hours or at best sleep in a chair. All new mums should be allowed a partner with them 24-7 if they choose.”

Countless women on MN have spoken of their experiences on postnatal wards and the majority of them have said that they would not want men staying on the ward 24/7, at a time when they feel at their most vulnerable. Am I BU to think that a party set up for women should be more considerate of what women want?

CallaLilli Tue 24-Nov-15 11:55:34

(WEP = Women's Equality Party.)

sleepyhead Tue 24-Nov-15 11:58:50

YANBU. I would have liked dh overnight because it was what I wanted, and I didn't think it through because dh is quiet and polite and wouldn't have dreamed of sticking his head outside our designated area on the ward.

However, after reading other women's views it was clear that having men overnight on wards (rather than single rooms) would be completely unworkable and I realised I was being unreasonable.

Surely you canvass the views of the women you seek to represent before making these statements? hmm

dontaskdonttell Tue 24-Nov-15 11:59:16

Personally I wanted my dh with me both times but he wasn't allowed unless we had a private room. Pregnant with dc3 now and we'll be paying for a private room so he can be there to help me and be with the baby.

I don't understand why the fathers aren't allowed to stay, it's not fair. But at the same time I totally understand why some women on wards don't want strange man just a curtain divide away. But hospitals can't provide private rooms for everyone so I don't know what the solution is!!

CFSsucks Tue 24-Nov-15 12:00:21

The only way this should be allowed is if every mother has her own room. Men should absolutely not be allowed to stay on wards. I would have discharged myself if this was allowed.

DawnOfTheDoggers Tue 24-Nov-15 12:00:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DreamingOfThruxtons Tue 24-Nov-15 12:04:21

Perhaps women actually want their partner to be able to stay on the ward with them?

Using our own experience as an example, I felt very alone at what was a difficult time for me. We don't have much of an extended family. I found it upsetting that my partner was limited to visiting at certain hours.

However, I realise that on a shared ward, people are likely to have different wants or needs- one family in particular seemed to have been given an exception to the usual rules and were able to have extended, quite noisy, often late visits which wasn't ideal for the other three who were sharing with her.

Would the answer perhaps lie in providing more of a range of accommodation in maternity wards?

Personally, I will push to get home much sooner this time around, if circumstances allow.

TheTravellingLemon Tue 24-Nov-15 12:05:10

YANBU. Like other posters, I would have loved DH to stay with me, particularly as I had a csection. But I would hate for anybody else's DH to be there overnight grin. That's a workable policy right? wink

Janeymoo50 Tue 24-Nov-15 12:06:22

I agree with the own room scenario (and totally understand the need for husband/partner etc support) but the sad fact (reality) is that it's a hospital not a hotel.

SarahSavesTheDay Tue 24-Nov-15 12:07:43

If the father wants to stay, pay for a private room. Problem solved.

KittyandTeal Tue 24-Nov-15 12:08:42

When I was in hospital on a post natal ward dads (and same sex partners I presume) were allowed to arrive at 8am and had to leave by 9pm. Those were not visiting hours for others. I felt that was fine.

At my other local hospital all the rooms are private so dads can stay over and the beds are all doubles.

ExplodingCarrots Tue 24-Nov-15 12:09:22

DP was allowed to stay with me but I was in my own private room and was very poorly so he had to help with dd. I've commented on previous threads before and my view still stands: private rooms yes, post natal wards no.

I bet a lot of women wouldn't feel comfortable establishing breastfeeding with men on the ward at night.

coffeeisnectar Tue 24-Nov-15 12:15:48

Yanbu. I would have felt vulnerable and uncomfortable having men there all the time. Also after visiting hours was when we all used to sit and chat, all new mums, looking at each other's babies, discussing stitches and blood loss and all those lovely things that our bodies have gone through.

When I had my first I was kept in for six days after a very traumatic c section and post op complications. I was on a ward that had 8 rooms with two women to a ward. It was a high needs ward. It was horrible. They put a 19 year old girl in with me who was in there because of blood clots in her legs but she kept disappearing and leaving her baby in the room screaming. And then at night she started ringing all her mates at 11pm and having loud conversations. I was on the verge of walking out and insisted one of us was moved. Now I can't imagine the level of disruption having an extra 8 adults on a ward would bring and how little sleep anyone would get. It's bad enough getting your own baby settled and drifting off only to be woken by another baby!!

CFSsucks Tue 24-Nov-15 12:16:22

I had a private room twice and there was no option for dad's to stay at all. The visiting hours weren't great either, 10-12am then piss off for 2 hours, then 2-8 like everyone else. My very first night with DC1 I was on the ward and terrified, didn't get up there until gone 7pm then DH had to leave. I desperately wanted him to stay but I would never want to be in a situation where there are 3 strange men all in the same room whilst I'm bleeding/getting boobs out etc. It was bad enough when they got me up to go and shower and I had one of those hospital gowns on that open at the back, that there were workmen wandering the wards at 7am. The MW had to walk with me carrying my wee bag and holding a blanket around me so you couldn't see in my gown with men around. It was awful and that was only seconds.

hiddenhome2 Tue 24-Nov-15 12:16:42

I hated being on the post natal ward post section due to all the visitors, including men. I used to wait until they'd gone before I'd go to shower or visit the toilet.

They'd sit and stare at me, so I'd have to draw all the curtains around which made me feel uncomfortable too as I knew they were still all there probably wondering why I'd hidden myself confused I couldn't learn to breastfeed in front of them either.

It wouldn't happen on a gynae or female surgical ward, so I don't see why it should happen on post natal wards unless it's a single room.

Some mums might like their partner to be there for support, but they shouldn't be favoured over those who would prefer some privacy.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Tue 24-Nov-15 12:18:26

YANBU. Unless it is a private room, father's should not be allowed to stay. Visiting time is bad enough! (I also would have loved DP to stay)

DoJo Tue 24-Nov-15 12:18:56

Could they not have some wards where men are allowed and some where they aren't? I don't see why it necessarily has to be a blanket policy either way, but providing the option should surely not be impossible so long as men-free wards were prioritised in terms of ensuring availability.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Tue 24-Nov-15 12:19:12

But then WEP don't seem to have thought through a lot of their policies very well...

Vanillaradio Tue 24-Nov-15 12:19:51

I get why people wouldn't want other peoples dh/dp on the ward. However I really could have done with dh after the first night. After an emcs I couldn't get out of bed and had to buzz when ds was crying, they took ages to come, acted cross when they did and after the second time just said that if ds was "going to be like that" he would have to stay in bed with me and pretty much dumped him in bed with me and left me for the rest of the night. Perhaps a better solution is more staff on duty so not as much need for partners?

RubbleBubble00 Tue 24-Nov-15 12:20:14

I as in shared room and ended up being moved by mw to another room as the couple next to me talked most of the night, then her partner snored ridiculously loud that it woke my baby several times.

I didn't complain but mw popped her head in door every 20 mins, saw the situation and came and told me she would move me as it was impossible for me to get any rest

Elendon Tue 24-Nov-15 12:21:02

Last time I was in a maternity ward I had a private room, 14 years ago. I was shocked to see that in the bays, some men were there from 7am till 7am. And they brought previous children in too. Then they proceeded to play on their gaming devices. The mum, who had just given birth, was expected to look after the children. One mum had her meals shared out amongst the family - a maternity nurse told me this - this particular woman had had a caesarian.

I'm disgusted that the WEP has done this. There are frankly better things for them to be campaigning about. This policy undermines the mostly female staff on the ward and is universally not liked by patients.

RubbleBubble00 Tue 24-Nov-15 12:22:08

Went to mw led unit with dc3 so I could avoid all ward crap

howabout Tue 24-Nov-15 12:26:01

YANBU. Completely agree with hiddenhome.

Also my DH was not able to be with me when DD3 was born. As a result of sending my Mum home to look after DD1 and DD2 I was completely forgotten about because I did not have a partner there to advocate for me. Hospitals should be dealing with patients, not visitors.

Viviennemary Tue 24-Nov-15 12:27:38

I agree. If people don't want to be separated from their partner for a few nights then give birth at home and give the rest of us a bit of peace and privacy.

BillBrysonsBeard Tue 24-Nov-15 12:28:11

I don't know what I'd have done without DP staying with me overnight after C-section... I would have felt very alone. I didn't care that other men were there. BUT that was my own experience and can appreciate why some women wouldn't like it.

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