Elderly parent dilemma posting here for traffic(10 Posts)
NC for this one.
Father is 92, has Parkinsons and lives in sheltered flat about 2.5 hours away from where I live.
He has been married twice. I am his second daughter born when he was 49. My half sister (and two now grown grandchildren) has been NC with him for about 20 years. He is divorced from my mother. He was emotionally and financially abusive to my mother and my sister said he'd mellowed so he was probably much worse to her and her mother. I have not gone NC but see him no more than 3 times a year.
Until this year my aunt lived in the same complex as him but now lives in a care home. So yesterday evening he had a fall, the second one in about 2 months. He told me on Friday that the home where my aunt is has a space. He said he didn't want to go there and hinted very strongly he wanted to be nearer to me. My cousin has already done the hard work of finding this home and my father can definitely afford it. And my aunt and him can keep an eye on each other. And I don't want him to be nearer to me as he would then expect me to see him more often.
BUT how the heck do I sort him out when my son is in secondary school and I have nobody who can look after him while my husband and I go off for 2-3 days to move him from flat to home? Other relatives all have very good reasons why they could not help out to look after my son eg elderly, health problems, live too far away, work.
This is such a rubbish time of year as well with short days and commitments every weekend. But given the two falls, he probably needs to be in the home sooner rather than later, so I can't eg wait until the Xmas holidays or February half term and I don't want the room to be taken by somebody else.
One possibility is to take my son out of school on Friday, go to my mum's leave him with her (she could look after him at her place but isn't fit enough to drive to ours (3 hours drive) at the moment) and then go and sort my dad out over this weekend. But I'm not terribly happy about him missing a day of school and no doubt the school would refuse to authorise it. And that also means my husband and I both getting leave at short notice.
AIBU to ask what on earth people do?
Would your cousin help with some of the practicalities? Does your son have a close friend he could stay with while you are away? How old is he?
If we had to go and sort out my mum (plane journey away), I'd rely on being able to send the kids to stay with friends - we do fortunately have a family friend nearby who would take my son for a weekend, and my 14 year old could stay with her own friends or home alone if necessary (she can't go to the family friend's place because they have a farm and she is allergic to animals).
Do you both need to go , can dh not look after your Ds until the weekend then they join you. To move into a home he only needs stuff as if he is going on holiday initially . Use this as respite care and then you can discuss further when he recovers. He might want to stay or you can look around closer to you.
I would contact the Red Cross and ask if any of their volunteers might help. If you have to get rid of fcurniture they might take that too.
You only have to move him and his personal items at first, if my experience is anything to go by. My friends mum moved into a home a few months ago and they have not been able to clear out the sheltered accommodation just yet. I would explain to the LA and they may be able to allow extra time.
How much stuff does he have, a cars worth or more a vans worth, could you go on your own and get a removal company to move him or do you have a friend who could help you. Would it be possible for you mother to stay at yours for a few days.
Unfortunately I had to sort my mum out on my own.
I'd go on my own, pack a couple of suitcases, and stick everything else into a self storage locker/ have it boxed and moved to you by a removal company so you can sort it later.
Depends on how much stuff there is - if the furniture is all junk, then you could just hire a 'man and van' to take it to the tip, then just take the boxes.
Has he actually agreed to go to the home?
If you need to clear the flat quickly you could pack up his personal effects to take to the care home (which you could do over a Saturday/Sunday), then get a removals company to pack up everything else and put it into storage for a month or two until you can go back and sort it out.
you are right to move him somewhere that can give him more dedicated care. he is an old man who has had falls and this is only going to go one way so well done to you for spotting this quickly and even with your difficult relationship with him still having the compassion to want to sort him out and make him comfortable.
the important thing is to get him into the new home. you can do this with a car and just move him and any important bits like bed linen, clock a few nick nacks. you are not going to be able to take all his possessions from a sheltered flat to a room anyway. there is no need to involve your partner or son (unless you feel you need the moral support). get him moved in asap with the essentials and then work with him to see how much space he has in the new room and what you can bring from the sheltered flat. once you have moved everything he needs and can fit into the room then you need to sort through his other possessions and get the rest house cleared.
it is really traumatic for older people to move into a room in a nursing home. they all know its gods waiting room and it is usually pretty upsetting to leave some of their possessions that they cant fit in behind.
for this reason I would say move him and the essentials then take as much time as you are able/the flat owners allow to sort through everything else.
good luck OP. you are doing the right thing by your dad and he is lucky to have you to do this for him.
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