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AIBU to be annoyed but say nothing? (Xmas stuff)

(33 Posts)
Seeyounearertime Mon 23-Nov-15 23:29:36

For the last few years me and my brother have split having my Mum and Step Dad. I'd imagine it's a normal type thing. One year they come to us for dinner, next year they go to my brother and his OH. It worked well because my GF has 2 DC from a previous and on the years we don't have my Mum we have gfs Dc for dinner, on years we have my mu the DC go to their dads.

Now this year we're due to have the DC and my Mum goes to DB.
But this year DBs OH has decided they're going to her daughters again instead and my Mum and step dad arent invited. This leaves my Mum and Step Dad sitting at home on Xmas day for dinner unless we invite them. (Which I inevitably will)

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed, but I don't think I should say anything.

DamnBamboo Mon 23-Nov-15 23:36:05

Is there any reason you can't have them all?
What are you annoyed about exactly?

wowfudge Mon 23-Nov-15 23:36:36

Can you not have both the dcs and their step grandparents for a change?

Mehitabel6 Mon 23-Nov-15 23:39:43

I can't see the problem. Have them all.

Seeyounearertime Mon 23-Nov-15 23:44:44

We can have them, we have a table for 4 and there will be 3 kids, Mum and step dad, GF and II, so a squeeze but doable.

I don't know why I'm annoyed tbh, its like they've just changed the agreement because my brother actually couldnt give a toss about his mum on Xmas. It's the same on her bday and everyday TBF, if she didn't travel to see him he'd not see her etc, doesn't seem fair. Iyswim.

I don't know

OurBlanche Mon 23-Nov-15 23:44:55

Talk to your DB. Let him know that yes, this has obviously caused a bit of a panic your end, what with rooming, chairs etc. Ask him if he could please not make any last minute changes next year... laugh it off.

Then ask him if everything is alright their end. It isn't impossible that something has happened to cause this, you just may not have been told. He may need some support!

Seeyounearertime Mon 23-Nov-15 23:49:30

It was my Mum that told me tbh. Apparently SIL said, and I quote,
"We can't have you this year because we can't be arsed to cook and are going to [Daughters name] instead"
But that's what my Mum says she said, so whether she did it, I don't know. We never speak, they never visit us and moan that we won't take DD to theirs even though we don't drive and they live 20 miles away. confused

Epilepsyhelp Mon 23-Nov-15 23:50:37

Sounds like you're more annoyed about him being inconsiderate to your mum than about them coming to you. Some people just care more than others, you can't make him be nicer you can only do what you're doing and make up for his uselessness. Not fair on you but at least your mum has you to look out for her.

Seeyounearertime Mon 23-Nov-15 23:52:11

Thanks epilepsy, I think that is exactly it.
Just typing crap out helps to organise thoughts, maybe in should just type it out and not press post? grin

OurBlanche Mon 23-Nov-15 23:56:57

Oh! So no hope that your DB will step up and act reasonably then? sad

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 00:02:21

Nope, my DB is both selfish and ruled by his OH.
This arrangement has been so for at least 10 years, has weathered 2 of my relationships, a divorce and 5 house moves. This year they can't be arsed for whatever reason.

ReginaBlitz Tue 24-Nov-15 00:05:45

This is really a non issue.

OurBlanche Tue 24-Nov-15 00:06:22

Then read him the Lazy Bastard Riot Act and then organise a lovely, if a tad squashed, Bigger Christmas smile

Also, run it by your GFs DC, would they want a year to themselves? Or are they littley'uns and doing alternate years by standing arrangement?

OurBlanche Tue 24-Nov-15 00:07:49

Obviously not, Regina, As OP said, typing it here is helping her work it through. Why be so sour when you could be a) silent or b) helpful?

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 00:18:35

Gfs DC are boys 13 and 10 right now.
We get grunts from 13 yo and "not bothered" from 10yo.

They actually live with their dad so they be coming here xmas eve and going again Xmas afternoon.

OurBlanche Tue 24-Nov-15 00:26:41

Well, they'll just have to snuggle up with the rest of you for a few hours then smile

And that gives you a year to sort out next year's debacle.

Enjolrass Tue 24-Nov-15 06:57:21

My dbro and sil are exactly the same.

Pick mum and dad up as when it suits them. Then drop them.

Mum and dad come to us alternative Christmases. In the year I don't have mum and dad we have pils and dbro goes to pils.

Last year dbro was meant to be going to mums. Him and sil tried every excuse to get out of it by pretending they were doing mum a favour. Mum was gutted. I spoke to my pil and dh and we decided if they did actually ditch them last minute (as we all expected) we would all have dinner at my mums (only her house is big enough to have all of us).

Basically sils and her mum felt that the second child they had should have its first Christmas at sils mums. Like their first child did.

In our case though dbro and sil never came out and said it. They wanted mum to tell them not to come, when she didn't rise to it. They did come in the end.

They didn't turn up to a meal for mum or dad significant birthdays either. On two different days months apart. Sil was ill and so dh wasn't allowed to come on his own with the kids. On both.

When someone treats you parents like shit, small things that are easily solvable are frustrating.

FeelingSmurfy Tue 24-Nov-15 15:44:00

Will this mean that they expect things back to normal next year though, meaning its now always going to be

Kids and parents
Kids and parents

How would you feel if it was?

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 15:54:47

That interesting Smurfy and hadn't crossed my mind.
It might end up with us having my Mum and Step Dad every year, which isn't necessarily a bad thing I guess.

sadwidow28 Tue 24-Nov-15 16:34:49

How sad that your DB's OH has just cancelled your DM and step-dad. Of course you can be angry for your Mum at being cancelled so unceremoniously - and you can even be a bit miffed at having to re-arrange your own Christmas plans.

But you are right not to say anything anything to your DB. "Least said, soonest mended" is my motto. Your GF's children are clearly not making a big deal of it - well done to them - and will just expect you to 'sort it' with minimal fuss now.

On the practicalities of seating 7 people round a 4-seater dining table:

- can you bring in a garden table/chairs for the the over-spill?
- or use a wallpaper pasting table (covered in a single flat sheet) and find bedroom stools, office chairs to make up the seating?

You may be able to shuffle everyone onto your main dining table if you use another table area for the turines and condiments for 'help-yourself' dining. But don't be afraid the plate up for everyone from the kitchen if that makes it easier and more manageable.

You will be able to make it fun on the day I am sure, because you want your Mum and step-Dad to have a great Christmas meal experience with you. So, just before setting up the extra table/chairs, tell them it is now time to play 'musical chairs' and get them to help or ignore you whilst you get on with it.

I once ended up with 3 DSCs for Christmas (we never got Christmas Day ever but the Mum broke her leg and was hospitalised over Christmas in a levitated cast). I already had DM, DF, DFIL, youngest DB and DSIL coming. I set the garden furniture up in the conservatory and called it Table No 7 to accommodate my 3 extras and I would have put DH on that table. But DB and DSIL (slightly older than eldest SDC) opted to squash on 'Table No 7' and leave the 'oldies' to the main dining table. I have never heard so much frivolity from 'Table No 7' in my life! A challenge turned out to be one of the best Christmases in my memory.

I do hope that this Christmas 2015 will be one of your better Christmas memories OP because you and your GF deserve it for stepping up to the plate.

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 16:46:27

We've had to re look at the dinner and won't be doing a typical "Christmas Dinner"
Simply put, we can't afford it.
I'll be getting some frozen turkey and chopping it up and making a stew type deal. Then we'll serve with mash, cranberry sauce flavoured stuffing balls and a yorkie pud. I'll ask my Mum and SD to bring a pud I think.
We usually have a bottle of baileysnas our treat for after dinner but that might have to be rethought. 4 adults 1 teen, 1 boy and a toddler.... Yikes.
(I don't think I've ever cooked for that many people grin)

potoftea Tue 24-Nov-15 16:50:01

I find it interesting that no one pointed out that they wouldn't be alone if they stay at home uninvited elsewhere..they'd have each other.
I've no idea what you should do as I don't know your family dynamics or mothers health, but my DC are all in their 20s now and I feel that its only a matter of time until dh and I have some Christmases alone again, just like we did when we first married. And I don't mind really, as long as I see my DC over the Christmas season, I would be happy that they are free to spend the day itself how they want. To me any couple aren't alone, they are together.

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 16:55:01

That's a good point pot
But I don't like the idea of them sat alone, which I guess is mymissue.

Somewhere in my head i feel that we, as in Bro and I, owe it to my Mum somehow. She made lots of effort for us when we were kids to give us happy Xmas days with big dinners etc, now we're grown up its like it should be our turn sort of thing.

sadwidow28 Tue 24-Nov-15 17:32:41

You CAN do a traditional Christmas Dinner cheaply.

If you want help about how to shop and do that, there are many of us on here who have done Christmas on a budget. If it is an oven problem - or the stress of cooking turkey and veggies at the same time, some of us can help with your time planning.

If you have decided on a stew type meal then I respect that.

Do you have a Lidl or Aldi near to you?

Do you have space in your freezer for preparation?

Spilose Tue 24-Nov-15 17:41:19

How often do your parents offer to cook for you all?

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